Hassle

I just lost my phone. Its 3 in the morning. And I'm still up. Traumatized with what happened.

posted from Bloggeroid

Health update Dec 23, 2014

So whats new with my health?

Early sunday morning. I was a little feverish. I had to stay home. Slept for about 13 hours. Woke up around 2am and started to feel hungry and craved for mcdonalds. So off I went to JY square to grab something to eat.

And since that day. Ive been experiencing on and off lower abdominal pain. It bothers me, not to think about the fact that I might need to have myself checked and do some few sets of laboratory test again. But what bothers me most is the fact that we are in the midst of the Holiday season where everybody is just too busy with everything.

Its 3:08am on a wee tuesday morning. And i cant imagine how many times have i gone to the bathroom. Im thinking that it might just be some mild case of constipation. But if you have HIV+ you shouldn't be complacent with just a mild constipation since we- PLHIV dont really have enough too boost our immune system.

Worst things to worst. I don't want to be under medication or to be in the hospital thinking that its the almost Christmas, New Year and Sinulog.

I duno. I havent really had fun in such a long time. And being with friends on an EDM event would just give me a lot of reasons to sime just for a few hours.

As OC as i am. Already made reservations here and there for almost all sinulog events.

Anyway. Going back. This lower abdominal pain has to stop.

Aside from that, I've noticed that my vision is a little bit blurry. I started to notice it last month when we had the Annual Physical exams at work where I was having trouble reading those letters from a reasonable distance with a reasonable font.

Well, this may not be from HIV or anything. Thinking that im almost in front of a computer almost everyday for the last few years coz of work. But this is something ill have to have checked as well.

So there you go. Aside from skin allergies. Please welcome- lower abdominal pain, and blurry vision to the family. And oh dont forget depression.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Random Email. (First help given)

Received an email from someone a few days ago. Never really thought that this blog would go that far. I mean- reaching out to other people. I blog just for the sake of keeping my close friends updated if they want to know whats going on. But to help some stranger out? Well, at first that was the primary reason but i figured i was the one needing help. But if helping people out would be God's ways of letting his people closer to Him? Then why not.

So here goes.....

What sort of problems are you having with your results? Is that the CD4 result or the confirmatory result?

If you already got the confirmatory results and it hows REACTIVE, the next step you should do is to find an ID (infec disease) dr. After that, she will have you scheduled for a CD4 test in Vicente Sotto that usually happens every last friday of the month. The results will be out within a week. If your cd4 count is 350 and below then thats the time where you have to start taking ARV medications. But if its 350+ then your doctor will probably require you to do some lab test to check for possible OI (opportunistic infection) if there are any. But supposedly everything is fine. Then all you have to do is change youe life style and have a healthy living. Taking vitamins and keeping fit would do. And staying away from anything stressful. I've known a lot of people that havent started medications yet for years after diagnosis and they continue to increase their cd4 count.

Regarding your question if the medication helps. Well that depends. HIV is a case to case basis. The meds depend on the virus in you and how your body reponds to the prescribed meds, your doctor will be able to give you meds based on your lab results should your cd4 be lower than 350.

For most people, the ARVs are really a great help. It could take time though. But you should really be very cautious in taking your meds on time in the first 3 months. You should take it exactly on the time prescribed to you by your doctor. Not a second late. Thats the key in increasing your cd4 count. ARVs are only treatments, they dont cure the virus. They only suppress the vius that you have.

Taking ARVs? Its not the easiest thing to do. Aside from multiple alarms everyday. You have to also get used to its side effects.

So i suggest if you are not yet on ARVs, dont plan or even wish to take them. Keep healthy as long as possible.

For me, i used to say that ARVs might make my allergies go away. But as you know it. It didnt work. My first cd4 last dec 2013 was at 602. Then last June 2014 it dropped to 345 thats why i had to take ARVs last July 2014. Supposedly, im about to take my next CD4 count test this month but DOH has no schedule yet. So ill probably take them next month once the schedule is already out.

Side effects of my meds are NOT OKAY. Esp the effavirenz. Its a drug that i resent taking everyday since July. (Im not scaring you, im just being honest). It makes me dizzy for hours. The feeling of being drugged, hang over, and everything spinning around you, the feeling of litteraly hot, and my saliva tastes weird too during the first few months.

But now, im slowly adjusting to it. Getting dizzy is still there. Being dizzy 10x more than the usual. But im coping up with it.

My other 2 arvs dont have any side effects at all.

However, i know a few people having NO side effects with effavirenz. Like NONE at all. So again, the meds varies from one person to another.

ARVs does it help? In my case i dont know yet since from last Jun's cd4 of only 345. I dont know if my cd4 increased after about 6 months of taking arvs. But seeing all my lab results are a little bit pleasing. My WBC are up and everything seems to be going back to normal. Im starting to gain weight too, slowly but surely.

Hope this helps.




-Z



Email me at: iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

posted from Bloggeroid

Pre Sinulog thoughts

Just let me feel good that week. Just let my allergies go away that week. I just want all my worries to go away that week. All I need is just simply that weekend to be the best weekend ever.

I have always been an avid fan of EDM. Its a coachella kind of party that im so hooked with right now.

There are a lot of misconception about EDM. Others say its all about getting wasted. But for me, its the appreciation if genre. Its 2014. And genres don't just stop from classical to pop.

EDM- electronic dance music. Is often referred to as a rave party. Well, It is. But the real thing about EDM is it is really a concert. Just like any other rock concert out there.

More than looking forward to going home for new year and missing work on a critical work day. I think I just don't care anymore. Id rather be home for this season. This might be my last new year. Who knows right? I'm just living the most out of it.

Im just hoping I wont get depressed that Sinulog weekend. Seeing a lot of good looking people here and there.

Last year was a BLAST! I waited for a year for this again. And I can't let anyone ruin it. Though most bacolod and manila friends wont be going here. I honestly don't know who to go out with.

But oh well, let it be, hoping to be really enjoy. I haven't in a very long time.




-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Selfish People around me

"Keep on fighting" "Don't give up"

Those were just some of the words from my friends. But do they really mean it? Do they even realize what I have to suffer everyday just because they want me to STILL FIGHT FOR MY LIFE?

Do they even realize just because im not giving up, doesn't mean im not in pain emotionally and physically.

One word: SELFISHNESS!

I find people telling me not to give up SELFISH.

Its only for their own benefit. Something they can be happy about. I don't want to fight anymore. I want all my suffering to END already. I want the pain to go away. I want the emotional baggage away. They say the answer is simple. That I should just leave it all to God. Yes! Surprisingly. I know. But what if His plans are different? What if His plans are not the usual plans He has for people like me, for a dying person like me.

I know my posts are very much contradicting. Some days, im very much postive about fighting. But there are more days where Giving Up is the only way.

I want to give up because I am tired. I want to give up because I dont want to feel insecurity everyday. I want to give up because if I fight for it, WHAT WILL I GET? ---- more suffering, EVERYDAY.

There are a lot of stories about people like me. Dying. But are there stories about those who are left behind? Not much eh? I guess because when a person die. Its only a matter of time when those left behind will be able to move on with their lives. Like you just never existed. Its like personally, if i die today. After a month or so, everything will be the same again to those who are left behind.

They say they read this blog. That im not even sure. If they do. They shouldve already known by now how suicidal I am. Yet they DO NOTHING.

What if i do IT? What if i end myself?

I guess theres no one to blame but those people left behind not doing their job to really have me stay but instead just keep on saying " DON'T GIVE UP".

Let me ask you, if i dont give up, whats in it for YOU? BUT for me, if i still keep on fighting -- its an everyday EMOTIONAL PAIN. EVERYDAY.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Those who know as of Dec 16, 2014

I am getting paranoid as WE are growing in numbers.

Im deeply grateful that there are a lot of people praying for me. But at the same time. I am also paranoid that the information about me being HIV+ would soon be out of control. So let me just start from the very first few people to know about my status.

Aside from all my doctors (ID, cardio, pulmo, 2 derma, allergologist, internl med) =7 doctors

Cebu church cell group = 2

My 3 college best buddies and 1 barkada =4

College friends abroad = 2

The giver of HIV and his partner= 2

Home friends = 13

Cousin and cousin in law= 2

My immediate mgr= 1

Other PLHIV ive meet in cebu and support group= 5


I don't know if i miss out a few people. But so far. These are the only people I've given permission to know about my status.

If you are one of those listed above. Please have the respect to let me know if you are planning to let someone know about my status or if you have let someone know about my status. I am not mad since I know that those people you have shared my status with are people i am PLANNING to tell anyway. But just please let me know once they are already aware about me.

For now. Aside from my immediate family. I only have PLANS to tell one ex officemate and the rest of my college barkada. Aside from them i have no plans of disclosing my status. Thank You!



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Are you going to throw that stone at me?

I've been wanting to blog about this post I saw in facebook about a month ago. The screen print has long been saved in my phone that I may constantly be reminded to share my thoughts about it.

It gets me thinking. I could not say anything bad to this pastor. For God said, that we should not go against His people- those who speak His word. Romans 13:2 "Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves".

I have not heard this pastors arguement about those with HIV/Aids. I might break down and might have evil thoughts. So its better if I should not hear them. But just based on this pastors statements. It saddens me. That God's servant is just so cruel in judging US. Yes. People with HIV.

No one should judge people just based on what they believe in. Only God can judge and can see the deeper meaning of whats happening in our lives.

I cant seem to find the words to write right now. Its just really sad to think that there are people out there wanting to kill us just because we have HIV. Just because we are not pure. I remember John 8:7 "When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her".

I have a cousin who is a pastor. We never really talk. We barely even acknowlegde each other. But what if he has the same views as this pastor? I will be broken hearted. The church is supposed to be a house for the sinners. A house for those who are down and weary. Those who needs help. If everyone in the church is righteous, then there is surely something wrong.

Jesus in choosing his disciples did not chose those who are highly recognized in the society. He chose fishermen, normal people, even tax collector, he dined with sinners and prostitute and shared the gospel with them. He did not come to those who praised themselves. He came to those who humbled themselves that they may be praised in the house of God.

I am a sinner. No matter how I avoid them everyday. I still sin. By thoughts, by actions. Thats what separates me from God. But God has given me Jesus. Who died in the cross for my all my sins. By His grace i am saved. And by faith I believe that I am saved by the blood of Christ.

Now tell me? If this pastor is really convicted about killing those gay people living with HIV. Let him be the first one to throw a stone at me if he himself have not sinned.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Reading the Bible

In every suffering, there is only one comfort that I can depend on. And that is the comfort that God brings. Every single day.

I feel ashamed to admit that I grew up in the church. With all the sunday school, church camps, yet I did not grew spiritually. I was a fool to disobey God and his commandments. I knew the basics, but never really pondered on them. I knew the bible verses by mind, but never really sought after them by heart. Its was just until then, that I find comfort in the word of God. It was until I have nothing that I took delight in reading the Bible.

I ask God to sustain the faithfulness that is in me right now. For with my own might, I cannot do this all alone.

Reading the bible again from the book of Gensis makes me realize a lot of things. I have so many questions now. I have so many realizations after reading the story of Adam and Eve. Cain and Abel. Noah. Seth. Abraham. Isaac. Down to Moses. Their struggle against all nations. Their faithfulness and disobedience. Everything in between. As I ponder upon every story. I can't help myself but do side research on every story. I guess it only shows how interested i really am in knowing the word of God.

But the story that shed tears to me was the story of Joseph the dreamer. After his brothers betrayed him. I just cant help but be amazed on how faithful he is to the word of God.

Its ironic that people would see dying people turn to God. I guess its because when your days are numbered. Its only when you realized how blessed you are no matter what. Its only when you realized a lot of things that life itself is all about Jesus. On how He saved us from our sins. How His grace is just overflowing for a sinner like us.

Aside from reading the bible from Gensis. Im also watching the series called The Bible. It helped me imagine things on everything that was written.

I am not without sin. I sin. Everyday. But I have been blessed and I humbled myself before the Lord everyday asking for forgiveness. Truly, I am unworthy of everything but He is still blessing me everyday.

Jesus is real. He is moving within me. And no one could separate me from Him. People may judge my relationship with Him. Even my cousin questions my relationship with God. But that would not stop me from growing spiritually. Only God sees the desires of my heart. Only He knows whats on my mind everyday. Only He knows the relationship I have with Him. No other people can judge me with that.

We have all been called to different purpose. Mine might be fulfilled once I die. I dont know. But I just pray that people reading this blog would soon realize that Jesus is coming. That His words are true. We all have different ways to bless people. I believe God gave me HIV not as a punishment but as a testament of how he uses people that others may believe and follow him.

I will never get tired of learning from the word of God until my last breath. Lord. Help me to be faithful.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

No CD4 schedule

So what im i up to in this lazy monday morning? Lets see.

My mind was half functioning doing some errands after a call I made to have my CD4 count schedule.

It will be my 3rd cd4 cout supposedly this month to monitor if the meds im taking is somehow making my immune system function at par with those normal people.

But to my surprise. The nurse in the hub told me. Dept of Health have not given them any schedule yet for this month.

So its just great. Esp for people like me depending on those treatments. No matter how much money you have. They are all government controlled. From meds to treatments to all other stuff related to HIV. With just the exception of vitamins and all other prescription aside from the anti retroviral theraphy drugs.

After hearing the news. Off i went to make some errands. Paying bills. Making deposits. Checking some post business plans and all others. I find myself very stressed out after 2 hours of going here and there.

So here I am now. Taking a break from the life outside HIV. Dont know how will this DOH stupidity contribute to my health. But it is what it is. We- PLHIV just have to deal with how crappy our government is here in the philippines.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Weekend sentiments over love

I'm not usually a fan of OPM. I've never been really nationalistic in a way. I've never listened to Original Pilipino Music for such a long time. But now, im listening to this playlist in spotify. It has evolved into something really great. Though its odd for me to sing in Filipino or even hum about it with the lyrics I know, bottom line, im starting to appreciate it.

At almost 2am on a post sunday typhoon Ruby scene. Im sitting in the fire exit of our building. Over looking IT park, clouds still dark, winds still strong, city lights sparkling intermittently before my eyes, as I contemplate whats on my mind.

So whats really on my mind?

Im actually scared of growing alone. As I think of my situation and the future. Which is still uncertain to date. It kept me thinking who will I be with for the rest of my remaining life should my life be extended after my 50's 60's or who knows until my 80's.

The thought of love or having a partner never really came into my mind until i found myself in youtube tryna find some new songs online.

I guess in my situation where it takes guts to accept and to meet new people. It will be impossible.

Earlier today, mom sent me a message of how excited she is of me going home because of her new business proposals. Im not going to assume that she will finally put the business into my name but even if it doesn't. I would still take the full responsibility of running the family business come early next year. Its a legacy of my mom i dont want to die.

But who will be with me by my side running it? She has tita and me along with her now. But if they're all gone. Its just going to be me and my little sister. Who i cant force to stay if she wishes to persue a different career.

So am i looking for a partner or a business pal? I guess that answer will be a little bit of both.

Should i grow old alone. I dont know. I guess it is what it is.

As I glaze upon the dark blue sky. Lord wherever that person might me. Please lewd that person to me or lead me to that person before the time runs out. In your time. Amen.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Weekend Depression

As the week ends. And as the busy work day comes to an end during the week. My mind would normally be clear. I wont be busy. Its very relaxing. But why don't i love it?

Sometimes, I just need to be busy all the time. I need to preoccupy myself with a lot of work. Just to avoid weekend depression. Sadly, it contradicts to the lifestyle that I should be living. I should take as much rest as much as possible. Stress is a big NO. It lowers down my slowly dying immune system.

I woke up today with a simple prayer for the upcoming typhoon that would probably hit later today or early tomorrow. Went to the nearest 7/11 to buy some stuff incase I get stuck with no food in the building. Usual get up - shorts, shirt and jacket. I don't go out without wearing anything that would cover my arms. If you happen to know me well. Im a beach bum. Anything beachy is to die for. Sandos are my ultimate fave even if im not lean at all. Twink as they call it. So thin esp now. But I would still pull it off. But now is different.

As I went down to eat breakfast, elevator would normally have someone from the upper floors going down as well. And i would ALWAYS look down. And feel sorry for myself. I have this guy crush in the 8th floor. Dont get me wrong. I admire him simply because he is very good looking. He dress so good. Dont let yourself be confused with how admiration would really mean.

To my surprise as i went down. He was there. Always looking at his best. And me? Looking like someone who is recovering from chicken pox.

Its sad how it ruins your day just like that. I admire a lot of people. Again. All earthly desires.

You know whats sad about having HIV? Its not really the physical pain. 90% of it is really the emotional baggage you have to live with everyday for the rest of your life. Seeing people around me. Ironically, i would look at their arms. I admire them. Simple things. Im not lossing hope of getting my skin back. Even if its like moving a mountain. But God promised me something better. Its hard to hold on to that. Very hard.

I wonder how it feels like to feel good about yourself again? I wonder how it feels like to be handsome? To be attractive? I could only wonder and sit at the corner of my room and blog about it.

I cry because i feel sorry for myself. What have I done with my life Lord? Why have you forsaken me?


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Exactly a year after being diagnosed

Tomorrow- Dec 4, 2014. Will be my one year anniversary after being diagnosed with HIV. It seems like yesterday that I had a lot of dreams, a lot of years full of future plans, a lot of unimaginable ambitions, things to do, bucket lists of the millions ill be making when i finally establish myself as a business mogul.

But now, its all about living one day at a time. Living a single day as happy and simple as possible. Not knowing what tomorrow may bring. Not knowing how many years, months, days i have left. Not knowing what dreams to reach, what dreams are still attainable with my condition. A lot has changed since then. I became a humble person before my fellow and most importantly before God.

He took everything from me. And to that i am grateful. Coz if i still have my life before which is close to perfection, I would not have realized how much i needed Him. I would not have realized that apart from him, i am nothing.

Everyday is still a struggle. A struggle of acceptance. Its a battle I have to conquer everyday as I wake up and as i put myself to sleep. Everyday I have to accept that life would never be the same again. But along with the struggle is a great fullfilment and humility that comes along with it. As I struggle. The more I experience that i need God in my life. The more i became closer to Him. I think that is what life is all about.

He took away everything for a reason. For Him to be magnified in my life. That others may see how good of a Father He is. That others too will believe and be saved.



This is how my skin looks like after a year of non stop medication. And non stop allergy. I've spent nearly 60,000 since last year going from one doctor to another. Taking meds and lab test here and there.

It makes me realize how proud of a person I was before. Always on top of everything but God humbled me by giving me a skin like this. That I have to always remember that He is the ultimate God above all other material things on Earth.

Everyday, i tell myself its getting better. Its going away. Its getting clearer. My skin is getting better. Everyday im telling myself that I would soon wear a short sleeve shirt in public. Testify how I have been healed by God. How I have been healed by Him physically and spiritually.

I know everything will be better in His time. And by that time I know im already sitting beside Him in heaven. Amen Lord I say to all of these. Praise be Your name! That through my life, others will believe, will be thankful, will be more faithful to you. That even a sinner like me. A proud person like me. A guy full of allergies like me is still blessed by You. If this is how you use me Lord for others to be saved, let Your will be done. Let this be a testament of how your Grace is more than enough to me My Lord.

Amen.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

24th at Home and the changes after

I have not posted a lot lately. I had to check my last post and since then, a lot already happened.

My 24th was really a blast. First time to travel during my exact birthday. First time to be in two different regions/cities on the last hours of my 23rd and the first few hours of my 24th. My friends from college and back home really made it so special. Surprises here and there. I was really overwhelmed. I am blessed to have them.

It bought me into a reality that no matter how few friends i might have left. Few as they are, they're a gem worth keeping. That week was enough to keep me going for a few more days, weeks and months. I needed that time to realize how I am loved by few treasured people. I couldnt imagine how troubled i will be had i not experienced my 24th at home.




Met with few treasured friends. I had to arrange my schedule so bad. And im still amazed and humbled how they still accepted me despite of the sickness i have. We never really talked about my condition. We just enjoyed each other's company. It was indeed a blast!

Going home made me realized that it is where I have to be in my so called last remaining days.

I have decided to resign this April and be home for good to help with the family business and start up my own little venture as well.

I know my blog is very inconsistent. I guess thats how you describe my life now. Its always a series of ups and downs. Of laugther and depression. Lots of each. No one would ever realize how bad it is in my state. I couldnt even put words to describe it. Calling it depressing or depression is such an understatement.
In some cases. I would close my eyes too long and open them after. Thinking and hoping that when i open my eyes i would soon realize that everything is but a dream. But hey. This is reality. A very sad one that i have to live in. Everyday. Until the end.

My hopes are up at times. I manage to learn how to just cheer myself up everytime i feel insecure by a lot of things. Its a work in progress, a little subtle but we're getting there.

A lot of my very good friends. Including my cousin and cousin in law already knows my situation. No plans of telling my parents as of yet. I guess we'll get there in time. But for now, i depend on those people who knows about it.

My emotions are like of a roller coaster. Full of ups and downs. Twist and turns. I dont have the means to control it.

For now. I just have to pull myself up everyday. Tell myself every morning that everything will be okay. That everything has its reason. That life here on earth will soon pass. That my suffering is just temporary. That God is my ultimate joy and my salvation and strenght. Theres not a person that would do that everyday aside from myself.

So yes! Thats where i am now. Trying to get better.

posted from Bloggeroid

Post Birthday Request

My birthday is sometime next month. I'll be turning 24.

If you happen to know me really well. Birthdays are really a BIG part of me. I love celebrating birthday parties. I love planning them every year.

But this is the first time that I will be planning my birthday knowing my status would never be normal again.

It gets me puzzled how i would handle it actually. Some part of me is telling me that i should really plan out for me. The othet half of me is telling me to just let it go and let it be.

For someone like me. A control freak. I cant just let it go. Im hoping friends would throw a SURPRISE party for me since ill be heading home on my birthday.
As a realist. I dont know how many birthdays i have left. This might be my last. This may not. Its full of uncertainty. Been seeing a lot of passing away lately. And it saddens me.

I want a friend filled party. All my unexpected friends should be there with me. Along with my family. Celebrating life. Spending time.

I just wish that my friends back home would have a program on my birthday. One that would really surprise me. I hope thats not to big to ask from them. My time is almost coming to an end. I can somehow feel it. I want to just have a birthday party. Just as simple as that. I hope thats not too much to ask.

I hope i can be happy. Ive never felt it for a long time. Its all too depressing everyday.

posted from Bloggeroid

A message from home

I cant let the day pass without sharing this text message.

After a series of ups and downs. My friends back home and college friends came to a point of telling one of my family member. I decided to have them share my condition with my cousin in Law. He has been like a father figure to me since i grew up without knowing a biological father. I remember him when i was just a kid. He used to be my clown in every birthday party. He used to be my entertainer. He was the one who brought me to my first movie house experience "babe in the city". I remember him treating me the movie. I was his first son prior to having his own. I was their so called practice child.

I was blessed to have him. Growing up. He became my algebra and geometry tutor. My life mentor as I go on with my life from high school to college. My first person to talk to when i first failed my accounting exam. He influenced me in a lot of ways.

So i decided to allow my home friends to share my condition to him and him alone. Its hard for me to think that in a few weeks time. I will go home and since we live in the same compound. I might jist cry seeing him.

Just received this message from a friend a few minutes ago. Since i told them im not ready to talk to him yet.

I cried. Non stop. I realized how God made me this tough. I didnt know how far ive gone. I didnt realize the things ive accomplised on my own. I did everything on my own. With only God as my refuge and strength.

I cant say im totally okay. Physically. Im getting dizzy everyday. Getting vomit like feelinf hourly. Its the weirest feeling ever. I dont feel confident if im not wearing long sleeves. I feel so ugly and dirty.

I had everything. And if it means lossing everything to know my purpose. Then so be it Lord.




-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 1 with Treatment

So after getting my 2nd cd4 results last week. My ID doctor decided to enroll me in taking arvs. From 602 last december. In just 6 months it went down to 345. I couldnt figure the numbers at first. I was expecting it to be lower than the previous count. But not as low as this. And then it caught me. All those anti histamine. All those depression stage. Those might have been the reason why it dropped drastically. And my numbers are correct. Theoretically. I only have 6 months more or so. Given the same lifestyle same state of mind.

I went on wandering about my condition again. As i always do. I have always been alone in fighting for my condition. My family doesnt know it yet. And i dont know how to tell then given some family business problems we are having as well. I dont want to add anything to that.

I am taking lami/zido and efav. Completed 1 day already. And it feels like hell. This time though Hell in the physical stage. Which i think im taking a little bit okay. Its the efav that is making me really worry. That feeling of getting high. Feeling of everything spinning. Everything in slow motion. Feeling of getting really hot. Those were just some of the unexplainable feeling efav can give you. Not to mention the vivid dreams as well. Thinking that i will be experiencing them again in a few hours makes me want to cry already. But i know i have to be strong.

I think i can handle the physical discomfort of taking treatment. But thinking that i am with this alone is what makes me sad. It what makes me really feel sorry for myself. True. A lot of phone calls from close friends checking on you. But nothing really beats a phonecall from your family. Nothing really beats the physical connection. Its something ive been longing for quite a while now.

Taking arvs require great adherance to the pills. I should take them EXACTLY 9AM - 12NN -9PM. not a minute late or anything.  Its one hell of an adjustment. But im doing just fine on my own. I just dont know until when will i be okay with this.

I will be taking these drugs for the rest of my life until someone already find a cure.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Depression kills

Today. June 21, 2014. Im in the thought of taking my life already.

The only reason why i keep on fighting for my life is because of work. Coz i WAS good at it. I excelled at work. But now its going down. Everything is a blurr. I dont have the reason to live anymore.

Whats the easiest way to die? I want to end my life.

posted from Bloggeroid

That much needed vacation

I just got back from vacation. It was one hell of a trip. I was with my college friends. 7 day vacation with them was just not enough. Just so many things to catch up with. It was one of the most memorable things that happened to me this year. I needed that break to somehow get out of my depression stage. And i helped a lot. Seeing friends after a few years was all worth it.

My plans of telling them about my status didnt happen though. I dont know. Maybe it was all too fun for something so sad.

No regrets though. Id rather cherish those happy moments with them even just for a while.

Now im back to reality. Back to contemplating about whats next. For the past months. Ive been dreaming about that get together with college friends. But now. I dont know what to look forward to. Its like that scene in Tangled. Where she was so eager to see the lanterns lit up. Yet so anxious whats gonna happen next. I guess i just have to create something to look forward to.

My cd4 test will be a week from now. For some reason. I want to start taking meds already. My immune system is just too fragile without any medications. My allergies are non stop. Its causing me so much insecurities. It lowers down my self worth. My self esteem. Its like everyone else is so good looking. So flawless. So above me. I just cant find the strenght to tell myself that everything will be okay

Im scared that one day. I'll just stop and i wont be able to find a reason to live anymore. For now. Im getting along just fine. I can still manage to tap my back and tell myself that its okay. But until when will i be doing this? I cant stay like this forever.

I just wish that other people know how blessed they are.

I cant undo everything that happened in my life. But i know i can make it right. I know i can still make it worth while. I just dont know how and why. Why? --- why would i still make it worth while? Coz if you remove me in the earth's picture everything would still be the same anyways. Its not like im a big impact to anyone or someone. Its not like if i die. Someones life will be messed up or anything. Well. Maybe for a few days. But not for long.

I am breathing but im not living. Its something very depressing.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

I decided to end the 3-month existence of my pseudo twitter account @zach_poz for some reason.

I feel that its for the best. I realized i started being depressed since I started that twitter account. Since i became too involved with my pseudo world. I became too preoccupied with my sick self. And almost forgot the real world even exist.

In that world full of secrets. We post hidden pictures. We post too little of ourselves so as not to reveal our REAL identity. We only show what we want other people to see. And i know that its for the protection of my fellow PLHIV. But i find it odd. Why stick to that world where the REAL world awaits for me to move on. Yes. I might be doing well in that world full of hidden identities but have i moved on with in the real life? Have i moved on outside twitter world?

Having those random people was fun. I was able to find really good friends. But it has to end there. All they know is im Zach. And i want zach not to exist any longer. If i havent met you personally. Then you no longer exist in my world. And i dont have plans of knowing you.

It might sound rude. But im doing this for my own good. Not being selfish. But being true.

Often times. I get pressured and depressed reading twitter timeline. Its like you are in a CLAN. or a little hidden community. There are popular people. Good looking people. Cool people. And i cant find myself in any group within that little community we often call support group. I became too self conscious. I wanted to belong. I wanted them to notice me. I wanted to show off. I wanted to be popular just like them but i cant. There are always be someone more popular than you. More good looking than you. More cooleeeerrr than you.

I know life is not all about that. But in tjat world i lived in for 3 months. It all boils down to that. If you havent met the majority of the group. Then you are just some random pozzie guy around. You have to make yourself stand out always.

I dont know. I guess im not in the right state of mind now. But allow me to make mistakes. That i should learn. Im making this decision with a careful thought. I might be doing the right thing. I might not. But for now. Its time to get back to the real world.

I have to face what it feels like out there. Outside the twitter world ive lived with for 3 months.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

The Bachelor Life

I woke up so early to check my payslip. Trying to budget everything for my Vigan-Ilocos trip 2 weeks from now. Funds transfer here and there to pay for everything ahead of time. Its just me being obsessive compulsive. I cant help it. I overthink everything. I even became overbored and tried to search for restaurant menu. In my mind errr goes a lot of things. Like in my mind i already pre ordered breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know exactly where to eat. What to order. And how much to pay after. I duno. Thats how OC i am. Lol.

As i was doing my research on new restos in the metro. I came upon the facebook profile of my nephew back home. I came to realize how much laid back home is. How simple it was living back then. No fancy food. No extravagant travels. No pressure of #ootds. Yet i was happy. I dont have to live payday after payday. I dont have to stress my butt out to work.

I guess i just miss how it feels like to be home. No pressure on everything.

What i have now is the ultimate dream i had years back. Living the bachelor life. Although my condition is a little bit pain in my finances since i have to sacrifice a lot of pleasurable things to support my medication. Nevertheless, i still manage to surpass it all. Its just a matter of good financial management. Thats where being Oc is helpful.

If i was home. I couldnt care less about vacation. I couldnt care less about where i eat. About what pictures i post in instagram. About fancy places to go. Its because people around me is so simple. And i get to be influenced by them.

It all make sense to me now. The people around me now are so sofisticsated that im also trying to be at par with them. The being competitive in me tells myself that if he has it. I should have it as well.

I always let everything as they seem. But its the choices that make them look everything. A few months from now. I'll be heading home. So until then. I just have to keep up with the people around me.

Im still not over depression. A lot of times I still cry myself to sleep. Its never ending.


-zach

posted from Bloggeroid

That Ugly Feeling

After a series of self help from friends, books, music. It all boils down to one thing. Theres no one that could tap my shoulders better than myself. This may sound egoistic/egocentric. But in reality, you are the only person who can make yourself calm. Who can make youself feel good. And i think i am trying to get the hang of it everyday.

Often times, when i feel so low about myself. I try to find things that are still good about me. Little as they are, those things are the ones that is keeping me going.

Well, if you ask me right now? I feel very ugly. I feel that i dont really look good. I dont have any self esteem. I think feeling this way everyday for the rest of my life is just one of the few 'perks' of having HIV. But all i need to do is just to asure myself otherwise. That i look good. I have something to show other people. That i feel good about myself. Its like i have to tell myself a lie everyday. I have to make myself believe of the opposite.

Yes. It works for now. But how long will it work?

I want to just isolate myself from meeting other people. For meeting new friends. Coz i feel so ugly. I envy them so much.

Truth is. I miss how i look before. I miss the feeling of feeling good. The REAL feeling of feeling good. Not just a make believe kind of thing.

I know what I should think. But again and again and again. Its not that easy. Its a mental battle that I have to win everyday for the rest of my life.

I am tired of fighting for it.

UGLY. THIN. REJECTED. NOT NOTICED. DISGUSTED.

I wanna be invinsible for the rest of my life. :(

What Keeps Me Busy Aside from Work

Its been one hell of a week lately. So much work load added. But thanks to one of my twitter friends who shared some good thoughts that I will about to share in a few.

Been hooked with keeping control of my thouhts and mind lately. I needed a booze of zen. A whole lot of it actually. My mind tends to over analyze because of work. And it affects my everyday thinking as well. Anyhow. Ive been reading "the secret" ive watched it as well. And its helping me control my thoughts.

Ive learned to value the law of attraction. Needless to say. Ive been using and been reaping the prize of it since then little did i know.

Here how it works. Your mind and everything that happening with you is because of the frequency of your thought. Its like whatever youre thinking sends signals to the universe and the universe in return will follow what you are thinking and thus creates your life. Or creates what is happening around you.

Your thoughts are so powerful that you need to be aware of its capabilities. Once you master your thoughts. Everything will follow. You can be what you want. Thats how powerful it is.

How its real? Aright. Imma tell you something that proves its existence.

When i was in highschool. Ive always imagined myself working in the corporate world. Traveling from one place to another. And vividly i would imagine myself sitting in airports. Having plane rides alone. Ive thought of it everyday. Dreamt of it. By doing that. My mind is on auto pilot. Sending that kind of vibe to the world. And in return. The world responds to it find its way on how to make it in reality.

Think of it. And it will come true. Just read the book. Or search it in youtube. Its all in there. It really helped me get through with my depression lately. Its a work in process. Baby steps as they say. But i know we're getting there.

So the other one. Ive been hooked with lookbook.nu. hahaha nothing much about it. Its worth sharing. Im starting to love myself.

I dont want to delete my previous blog. It will just show how HUMAN i am. Having mood swings from now and then.



-zach

I Know What Needs To Be Done.

Its been a while since i last blogged. Nothing really much to share actually. Its been the same old same old me.

Although, i noticed ive been depressed more often than usual. It would normally be during the weekends. When my mind would go blank from work.

Ive been thinking of my 2nd cd4 count this June. Might probably have it in Mnl since ill be going there anyway. I duno what the results will be. But i guess i dont really care after all. My mind is already set for Arvs just incase ill need to take them.

Been hanging around with two of twitter folks lately. And its been hella fun when they are around.

Will be in Bohol with them two weeks from now. Duno what to expect. All im thinking is walking along the beach thinking about everything that is happening around me.

I cant control what to feel. I cant help but feel sorry for myself having HIV. I cant help but see other people's sucess flash before me. And thinking that things would never be the same for me again.

Someone once told me that i just have to love myself and start to accept everything. But i guess I just cant. I cant accept the fact the my life is now ruined. People might say its not. For me it already is.

True. My life is way better than others out there. But to think that i have everything i have before then suddenly lost it all. Is just sooo hard.

Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Screw that shit! Its not that easy. Ive been living a lie everyday smiling to other people. Saying im okay. Making them believe i am getting by. Reality is. Im not. Im stuck. Forever stuck in this pithole.

I cant explain how i feel everyday. Sometimes i even think if this is already hell. Yeah sure. I do something that would take my mind off my condition. But at the end of the day. Its still gonna be the same. I still have HIV.

I cant think of anything worth living. I am a realistic kind of person. I know what needs to be done. I know that i have to be strong. I know i have to trust God. I know i have to accept everything. I know there is a purpose for this. I know God gave me this for a reason. I know i will bless people and praise His name coz of my condition. I know i will be someday a living testament. I know i dont have to overthink.

I know a whole lot more that needs to be done.

But ITS NOT THAT EASY!!! I am in the midst of giving up. Im scared of starting arvs. I might be so depressed, that i might start not taking them that would lead me to my death.

I wish everyone in this world would know how WE- people with HIV have to deal with everyday. On top of lifes normal problems.

Do You Want to get Well?

I havent posted something for quite a while. So let me just sum up random thing that happened

About 2 weeks ago. I had to see a dermatologist recomended by dra Chua (my id doc) if ever my allergies wont go away after treating me with Zykast for 14 days. I noticed it started to show up again the moment i finished taking anti histamine. 

I am now seeing Dra Eve Ramos from cebu doctors. So far my seb derm did went away. But the next story youre about to read will be about faith and trust. 

It was exactly 2 weeks ago when the last series of the service at church was presented. It was all about healing. I was teary eyed the entire service. 2 of my church mentors were all along with me as we listened to the service. The scripture is found in John 5:1-17. 

The service ended with a challenge of faith, trust and prayer. I dont know where i got the courage to go to the front along with other church members asking God to heal me. 

2 of my church mentors prayed for me. As well as one church pastor. It was a very humbling experience. I could not explain how it felt. 

Indeed. Nothing is too small for my God. Nothing is impossible with Him when he said to the man "Get up, take your mat and walk" 

Miracles do happen these days. And im a living proof of it. I could have already died way back 2012 when i was diagnosed with pneumonia. I could have already got a very low cd4 count after a wild lifestyle prior to being diagnosed. But no. God loves me so much that all His plans are perfect. 

I woke up the morning after seeing that my seb derm was gone. Not a trace of it. I could not explain how it happened. It might have been because of the meds. But more than that. Its because i trusted God. I had a faith to believe to stand up and claim healing in Jesus' name. 

How about you? Do you want to get well?

What Should I do?

There are a lot of advocates around. Here and there. Some upfront. Others using pseudonames/identity. 

How about you. Reactive or not. What is your stand to this ongoing Virus that is out there ready to ruin people's lives. What can you do to help? 

I've asked the same question just now. Seen some groups distributing condoms and lubricants to establishments (ie bars, salon, spas). Even saw some free condoms in rest rooms. (http://pozziepinoy.blogspot.com/2014/03/partnering-with-doh.html?spref=tw&m=1)

And it gets me thinking. Are we doing the right advocacy? Forgive me if I may sound offensive. This is my personal perspective of it. Its like we are trying to promote pre-martial sex in a way. Providing free condoms would attract young people in engaging into something they're not yet supposed to do. I know and believe that the intention is clear- that is to have zero cases of HIV. 

But arent we supposed to go back to basics. And start educating young people about the risk of pre-marital sex rather than saying "be safe". I think what we should do is to present all the risk factors as to why they should NOT engage with that activity. 

I know its easier said than done. It takes a lot of effort in doing so. 

As I ponder on this. It gets me thinking. What does the church have to say with everything happening to the PLHIV community? I feel guilty since I feel that Im not doing my part in keeping everyone informed about HIV. But i know ill get there in time. 

I just hope and pray that the fear and stigma with PLHIV will soon pass. I pray that my Church will have its say about this as well. I hope that God will enlighten us with the right way of preventing HIV from spreading. 

We always stand firm on what we believe is the right thing to do. But have we asked ourselves? What would HE do? 

What would Jesus Do? 

Disclaimer: I am not against the project being done by certain individuals about the free condom thing. I support it 100%. I just pray that we should also accompany it with proper learning about pre-marital sex. 

-Zach

Missing Home

Its been about 3 months. The last time i was home. And the time i found out I was positive for HIV. I still cannot believe how things can change so fast. How everything seems to just fade away just like that. How fast i see myself slowly dripping away from my normal physical appearance. Ironic as it may sound. 

I've been thankful that I dont have any serious OIs (opportunistic infections) since in most HIV cases a lot is expected if not properly rested and healthy lifestyle is not observed. I thank God for always sustaining me every single day. 

I cant help but think of whats going to happen the next day. The day after next. Next week. Next month. The years to come. I remeber having this crazy thought before around 5 years ago. That i cannot imagine myself beyond 27 years old. I can only see myself being stable by the time i am 27. But imagining myself beyond that seems to be impossible back then. It gets me thinking. Maybe God has already planned and prepared my mind for this. That i may not be able to have a very long life. Although I would still want to live beyond 80years old. But its all up to HIM. 

Going back. What i have now is: 

• Seborrheic dermatitis is a common inflammatory skin disease characterized by fine scaling and erythema
• The exact etiology is unknown, but the condition is believed to be a result of an interplay between sebum, microbial effects, and other aggravating factors
• The reported incidence of seborrheic dermatitis among patients with human immunodeficiency disease (HIV)/acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) ranges from 34% to 83%

I've been wanting to go home so bad. I miss my mom and everything back home. I want to spend every moment with her. But having the courage to tell my family about my condition still remains as the biggest challenge yet. 

I've caused so much trouble growing up. My teenage years were not easy. Major adjustments were made. A lot of sacrifices were done. I was even seeing a psychiatrist for about a year back then because of some behavioural issues. Which apparently got corrected already. And then. This! Another trouble or burden added to my family. 

I came from a family where people look up to. Modesty aside. My family is influencial. They see my folks as private individuals. People who are neither in the black or white side. People look at our family as an ideal family. Blessed with so many things. (Again, modesty aside) 

Thats the reason why I dont want to come out and tell my parents im hiv positive. Yet. There's this side of me telling that i should. And rather dwell on what peope think. Focus on what i can do with what my family has. 

Influence. I can obviously educate a lot of people. Eliminate stigma by letting them know more about HIV. 

Bless. I can be a living testimony. That amidst my condition. I have a living God. I have a God who still accepts me for who I am. For what I have. For I know He doesnt look at what ive done. Yet looks at the desires of my heart. 

Inspire. In a way. I want to tell people that they do not have to wait for cancer, hiv or anything life threatning to live their lives worthwhile. I want to inspire people by revealing my life story. 

Because of all these. I cannot go home. I am not ready just yet. God revealed to me last sunday that there's a reason why He is giving me all these. He wants to reveal himself to me. He wants to show me that despite of this Big Problem i am facing now. I have a BIGGER God with me. And He is in front of me fighting for HIV. 

His revelation gave me faith to believe. For without revelation. There's no faith. We believe and have faith since we have the reason to have faith. 

I know its still a long journey. I am jusy taking baby steps. Just one step at a time. 

-Zach

God's Answer

"Why are You so Afraid? - Joey Bonifacio" http://subspla.sh/1kFwfkf  

You can download the app and listen to the podcast. 

Will post some of my thoughts about this probably by tomorrow since my eyes are currently shutting down. 

Blessed Day everyone! 

A Small Reason to keep on Fighting

After almost 3 months of not seeing my ID doctor. I finally came to visit her again. I went to see her last friday after completing all the additional lab test she asked me to do way back December 2013. 

Thanks to all my twitter friends who encouraged me to keep on fighting and to see my doctor again after my almost-give-up-moments. 

All my lab test (see pictures below this post) seem to be okay. Nothing really serious. Everything are non reactive. Everything is at range and normal. Except for one thing in my CBC which isnt really a threat to my health. 

So anyway. I took the jeepney from the medical lab after getting my results to my ID doc. It gave me a lot of time to think. Which i needed so badly. I thought of all the things i should be doing instead of dwelling to the fact that i could die anytime soon. As I always say "there's more to life". I started to see random people around me. Some healthy, some rich. Others needy. And others are just fine. I've come to realize that if i compare my situation to others out there. Im pretty sure mine isnt the worst. It might be for some. But for sure. There are some cases or some people who would trade their life to have mine. 

I started to count my blessings one by one. Lets start with my basic support - my family. Although they do not know my situation. They are my number one support in everything I do. I am so blessed with my family. And God has given us so much more blessings everyday. Next- my friends. I've lived in different places. So there goes a lot of friends. From real-reel-social media friends. They're just everywhere. And im forever thankful for that. 

If you come to think of it. I may be decreasing my immune system as time goes by. But do i really suffer from life's challenges? Do i really complain everyday? Do i think of how to eat the next day? Do i complain of a hard bed everynight? Do i even have discomforts in my everyday living? Do i have a very lonely social life? Do i live below poverty? NO! I dont. So why would i still complain?

I thank God for making me realize that each second is a blessing. And we should be thankful for it. We are very much undeserving if you've only come to think of it. 

Its all by God's grace that im still enjoying all the perks of life. A sinner like me should not have any second chancess. But God's grace is everywhere. He showed His Grace to me in every little thing i still have. I may not be the healthy person i am before. But I am still me. 

So before you complain. Ask yourself. Have you suffered really enough? Did Jesus complained when He was nailed in that cross to die for our sins? Have you suffered enough? 

Think about it. 

-Zach

The Man Who Infected Me

If you happen to read my previous post. This is sort of a sequel to it. But just to give you a highlight of what happened, I talked to my friend who is currently dating the one i suspect to have given me HIV. I confronted him to have mr chinito get tested. 

And he came out positive. Long story short. Ive already confirmed who gave me HIV. 

I felt so much anger. That kind of anger that would allow you to do horrible things. His face and everything before him flashed before me. 

My plans. My hopes. My future. Flashed before me as well. I never stopped thinking about the possiblities. What if i never did that? What If i dont have HIV now? Where would I be? How would my life be? 

I cannot imagine the range of my anger during the time i found out he was reactive. Its like knowing the person who killed you. I never thought of his situation. All I can think of is mine. I was so self centered that time. All these happened on the saturday. 

I invited mr beach bum (my friend) and mr chinito (the one who infected me) over dinner saturday evening. I inteded to confront him. I intend to make him realize how messed up my life is because of what he did. 

But for some reason. I did not show up. I feel like it wouldnt make sense confronting him. I feel like it wouldnt do me or him any good at all. 

I tried to stay home that night. I cried out to God. Asking him WHY. Over and over again. 

My sunday came in as usual. I savored much needed sleep and rest. And went to church for my Victory Cell Group and attended the service after. 

I was surprised to see Mr beach bum ay church. I invited him last week. And i was happy to see him back after i invited him. I sat right next to him. He then told me that mr chinito is coming over. I couldnt say a word. I felt numb for a moment. I dont know how to react. I felt like crying. 

I stayed calm and composed. After the service. We had dinner. And then the TALK came in. Mr chinito opened up and suggested i should get tested for hiv. Little did he know what I was the mysterious guy whom Mr Beach bum is telling him. 

I told him that I already know everything. I told him that he infected me. He said his apologies. 

And I forgave him. 

God spoke to me that time. He made me realize how important it is to show other people what real humanity is all about. 

I have been forgiven by God. Who am i not to forgive. God first showed me the wicked ways Ive been doing. He gave me a lesson. He gave me a chance to correct the mistakes i did in the past. He accepted me back after i sinned against him a million times. 

I treated mr chinito with compasion. The one he truely deserves. I forgave him not because I have to. I forgave him because its the right thing to do. Its what God wants me to do. 

He may have ruined my life. But it is not a reason for me not to introduce him to God. Rather, its an opportunity for me to show him what kind of God i have. And im sharing that God to him. 

Thats how much God loves us. Yes. You! That no matter how wicked are ways are. No matter how bad we are. No matter how many times do we disappoint him. He is still there. Giving us hope and strength everyday. 

As for now. I will continue to do what He wants me to do. 

I am not 100% okay. But by His Grace. I know i will be. I know We will all be okay. In His time. 

-zach

Does it still count?

Ive been wanting to post this story since last week. But I figured that I should just let it go and see whats gonna happen. 

Since I was diagnosed. I cant help but think and recall who could possibly gave me HIV. And i could only think of one person. Lets try to call him Mr. Chinito. We met sept 2012. He was such a good guy. We dated. But it didn't worked out. And so i went on with my life. 

Fastforward to 2014. I saw my friend's instagram post sometime in January. Lets call him Mr. Beach bum. And i was shocked that he was going out with Mr. Chinito. I never gave a damn. Who am i to be in between them? They already know whats best for them. Long story short. I dont care. 

A few weeks after. I saw mr beach bum's post again. He was hospitalized. It got me worried. Thinking that Mr. Chinito is my primary suspect for giving me hiv. Without any second thoughts. I messaged mr beach bum and told him that i needed to talk to him. 

I had to contemplate if ill share my status or not. Its a risk i had to take. I didnt think of myself. All im thinking is to save someone from what im experiencing now. 

It was 2 weeks ago. I told him my status. He was very thankful since they're planning to do it the day after i told him. So he had to change plans knowing the possibility of what he might have. 

I told him not to disclose anything about me to mr chinito as of yet. I encourged him to have mr chinito tested. And they both did. 

Thank God he's negative. But mr chinito is not. So there. I finally know who technically ruined my life. I was about to meet them both last night. I had to back out and stay home. I cannot meet them while im still angry. I need to be composed and be matured when i face both of them. 

I cannot imagine myself facing mr chinito. Meeting the person who killed me. The person who crushed all my dreams. I could never be the same because of him. I would never be able to have a family because of him. I have to suffer all of this because of him. 

I know part of it is my fault. But i just cant help but think of thousand WHAT IFS. But what can i say. This is my fate already. No turning back. I just have to move on. And try to live normally. 

For now. I plan to talk to him and have him trace all of those whom he had contact with. I dont wany anyone to experience what im going through. Its a bad thing to have. It ruins your life. 

At this point. I cannot be selfish and just think of myself. If i can save a lot of people. I will. Regardless if it means revealing my status to a lot of strangers. I cant bare to let this happen to anyone else. 

Zach

Childhood Friends

Last night. I receive a very meaningful facebook message from one of my dearest friends in Malaysia. 

I have been blessed with friends lately. Ive met a lot of people after being diagnosed with HIV. I have new workmates. They accepted a sick-looking person like me. Even if its really evident on how sick i look like. They have not treated me like someone who is an outcast. 

Those people I've met after being diagnosed are those people i can really treasure the most. They took the time to know whats inside me. And disregarded my physical sick appearance. 

Going back. The message i received last night was an eye opener. I have thought of blaming my friends for just tolerating me of the numerous horrible things ive been doing before. But after thinking of it more deeper. There is really no one to blame, since first --- I have a choice. And i chose to do the one that could harm me. 

At this point. Im not thinking about what i could have done in the past. Since its already here. Ive come to realize that its better to just think about what am i going to do to make my life worth while. 

I thank God for my childhood friends. You know who you are. They stood by me through ALL times. One even said that even if my family would turn me down, her family would be there to support me. I would forever be thankful to all of you. 

My friend told me to change my lifestyle. Its the thing ive been wanting the most. But its really hard for me to let go of the thing ive been doing for so long. I know nothing is impossible. But I trust God that He would change everything in me. He already did. And i know He will still continue to sharpen my rough edges. 

Everyday. Is still a battle for me. A battle of myself trying to keep my body in good shape. And a battle for the virus in me that continues to consume me slowly each day. Its a matter of time. Its a matter of choices everyday. 

I do not know how to express how bad it is to have HIV. Its like you are dying slowly everyday. Its like everything in you is dying while you are still alive. 

I cannot control the virus in me. I cannot stop it. It saddens me to think about it. Its just a horrible thing to have. 

But i say to you. Behold! I have a God that is greater than any other thing there is. I have a God, creator of everything. I have a God, King of all Kings.  I have a God, above all things. I will keep on holding on. I will be a living testimony. 

23 And Looking Forward

I've been recently hooked with Positive my TV5. Its like a teleserye where the main subject is all about having HIV. You can seach it in youtube. Or subscribe to TV5 Positive. 

Im already 23 and based from whats happening around me. People get married. People get engaged. People have babies. It gets me thinking. 

If you happen to read my blog. You would probably know by now that i have this little support group in twitter with PLHIV. I once asked someone from that small community his age. He replied 37. He's been diagnosed quite a while now. I asked him back if he has a family of his own. He told me he lives alone and his parents would normally just drop by from time to time. 

I paused. I imagned myself. What would I be doing 10 years from now? I started to think. And it boils down to one dream of mine. To have a family of my own. 

I may have not told anyone about this. But i dream of having a wife. And 2 kids named Zach Daniel Lim and Nicole Cailah Lim. 

Like any other guy out there. I wish to find Her. In His time. Thinking that im already 23. It saddens me that i may not stay for long. But if God would allow. I wish to find her. Settle down and be the best father ever. 

With that in mind. Comes great dilemma. Who would accept a guy like me? A guy with HIV. It would complicate more. Having a baby and all that. I dont know if its possible nor if anyone have done it. But one thing is for sure. That girl would just be one hell of a badass to accept a guy like me. 

Its very far from reality. But its not bad to have a dream right? 

I may not be sure of a lot of things for now. But one thing i know. I do not want to live all by myself for the rest of my remaining life. 

I recommend you watch the Positive Series of TV5. It moved me. It changed a lot of how i see my life. 

I see life as a one time opportunity. With hiv or none.  We should live every moment of it. Try to look at the clock. No one could make it tick backwards. Lets make the most of what little time we have. With hiv or none. Lets make known to everyone everything we feel for them. Lets make every moment count. Again. With hiv or none. Lets not waste every tick of that clock. 

-zach

Email me at:

iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph