As the week ends. And as the busy work day comes to an end during the week. My mind would normally be clear. I wont be busy. Its very relaxing. But why don't i love it?
Sometimes, I just need to be busy all the time. I need to preoccupy myself with a lot of work. Just to avoid weekend depression. Sadly, it contradicts to the lifestyle that I should be living. I should take as much rest as much as possible. Stress is a big NO. It lowers down my slowly dying immune system.
I woke up today with a simple prayer for the upcoming typhoon that would probably hit later today or early tomorrow. Went to the nearest 7/11 to buy some stuff incase I get stuck with no food in the building. Usual get up - shorts, shirt and jacket. I don't go out without wearing anything that would cover my arms. If you happen to know me well. Im a beach bum. Anything beachy is to die for. Sandos are my ultimate fave even if im not lean at all. Twink as they call it. So thin esp now. But I would still pull it off. But now is different.
As I went down to eat breakfast, elevator would normally have someone from the upper floors going down as well. And i would ALWAYS look down. And feel sorry for myself. I have this guy crush in the 8th floor. Dont get me wrong. I admire him simply because he is very good looking. He dress so good. Dont let yourself be confused with how admiration would really mean.
To my surprise as i went down. He was there. Always looking at his best. And me? Looking like someone who is recovering from chicken pox.
Its sad how it ruins your day just like that. I admire a lot of people. Again. All earthly desires.
You know whats sad about having HIV? Its not really the physical pain. 90% of it is really the emotional baggage you have to live with everyday for the rest of your life. Seeing people around me. Ironically, i would look at their arms. I admire them. Simple things. Im not lossing hope of getting my skin back. Even if its like moving a mountain. But God promised me something better. Its hard to hold on to that. Very hard.
I wonder how it feels like to feel good about yourself again? I wonder how it feels like to be handsome? To be attractive? I could only wonder and sit at the corner of my room and blog about it.
I cry because i feel sorry for myself. What have I done with my life Lord? Why have you forsaken me?
-Z
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