That Ugly Feeling

After a series of self help from friends, books, music. It all boils down to one thing. Theres no one that could tap my shoulders better than myself. This may sound egoistic/egocentric. But in reality, you are the only person who can make yourself calm. Who can make youself feel good. And i think i am trying to get the hang of it everyday.

Often times, when i feel so low about myself. I try to find things that are still good about me. Little as they are, those things are the ones that is keeping me going.

Well, if you ask me right now? I feel very ugly. I feel that i dont really look good. I dont have any self esteem. I think feeling this way everyday for the rest of my life is just one of the few 'perks' of having HIV. But all i need to do is just to asure myself otherwise. That i look good. I have something to show other people. That i feel good about myself. Its like i have to tell myself a lie everyday. I have to make myself believe of the opposite.

Yes. It works for now. But how long will it work?

I want to just isolate myself from meeting other people. For meeting new friends. Coz i feel so ugly. I envy them so much.

Truth is. I miss how i look before. I miss the feeling of feeling good. The REAL feeling of feeling good. Not just a make believe kind of thing.

I know what I should think. But again and again and again. Its not that easy. Its a mental battle that I have to win everyday for the rest of my life.

I am tired of fighting for it.

UGLY. THIN. REJECTED. NOT NOTICED. DISGUSTED.

I wanna be invinsible for the rest of my life. :(