Missing Home

Its been about 3 months. The last time i was home. And the time i found out I was positive for HIV. I still cannot believe how things can change so fast. How everything seems to just fade away just like that. How fast i see myself slowly dripping away from my normal physical appearance. Ironic as it may sound. 

I've been thankful that I dont have any serious OIs (opportunistic infections) since in most HIV cases a lot is expected if not properly rested and healthy lifestyle is not observed. I thank God for always sustaining me every single day. 

I cant help but think of whats going to happen the next day. The day after next. Next week. Next month. The years to come. I remeber having this crazy thought before around 5 years ago. That i cannot imagine myself beyond 27 years old. I can only see myself being stable by the time i am 27. But imagining myself beyond that seems to be impossible back then. It gets me thinking. Maybe God has already planned and prepared my mind for this. That i may not be able to have a very long life. Although I would still want to live beyond 80years old. But its all up to HIM. 

Going back. What i have now is: 

• Seborrheic dermatitis is a common inflammatory skin disease characterized by fine scaling and erythema
• The exact etiology is unknown, but the condition is believed to be a result of an interplay between sebum, microbial effects, and other aggravating factors
• The reported incidence of seborrheic dermatitis among patients with human immunodeficiency disease (HIV)/acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) ranges from 34% to 83%

I've been wanting to go home so bad. I miss my mom and everything back home. I want to spend every moment with her. But having the courage to tell my family about my condition still remains as the biggest challenge yet. 

I've caused so much trouble growing up. My teenage years were not easy. Major adjustments were made. A lot of sacrifices were done. I was even seeing a psychiatrist for about a year back then because of some behavioural issues. Which apparently got corrected already. And then. This! Another trouble or burden added to my family. 

I came from a family where people look up to. Modesty aside. My family is influencial. They see my folks as private individuals. People who are neither in the black or white side. People look at our family as an ideal family. Blessed with so many things. (Again, modesty aside) 

Thats the reason why I dont want to come out and tell my parents im hiv positive. Yet. There's this side of me telling that i should. And rather dwell on what peope think. Focus on what i can do with what my family has. 

Influence. I can obviously educate a lot of people. Eliminate stigma by letting them know more about HIV. 

Bless. I can be a living testimony. That amidst my condition. I have a living God. I have a God who still accepts me for who I am. For what I have. For I know He doesnt look at what ive done. Yet looks at the desires of my heart. 

Inspire. In a way. I want to tell people that they do not have to wait for cancer, hiv or anything life threatning to live their lives worthwhile. I want to inspire people by revealing my life story. 

Because of all these. I cannot go home. I am not ready just yet. God revealed to me last sunday that there's a reason why He is giving me all these. He wants to reveal himself to me. He wants to show me that despite of this Big Problem i am facing now. I have a BIGGER God with me. And He is in front of me fighting for HIV. 

His revelation gave me faith to believe. For without revelation. There's no faith. We believe and have faith since we have the reason to have faith. 

I know its still a long journey. I am jusy taking baby steps. Just one step at a time. 

-Zach