I just got back from vacation. It was one hell of a trip. I was with my college friends. 7 day vacation with them was just not enough. Just so many things to catch up with. It was one of the most memorable things that happened to me this year. I needed that break to somehow get out of my depression stage. And i helped a lot. Seeing friends after a few years was all worth it.
My plans of telling them about my status didnt happen though. I dont know. Maybe it was all too fun for something so sad.
No regrets though. Id rather cherish those happy moments with them even just for a while.
Now im back to reality. Back to contemplating about whats next. For the past months. Ive been dreaming about that get together with college friends. But now. I dont know what to look forward to. Its like that scene in Tangled. Where she was so eager to see the lanterns lit up. Yet so anxious whats gonna happen next. I guess i just have to create something to look forward to.
My cd4 test will be a week from now. For some reason. I want to start taking meds already. My immune system is just too fragile without any medications. My allergies are non stop. Its causing me so much insecurities. It lowers down my self worth. My self esteem. Its like everyone else is so good looking. So flawless. So above me. I just cant find the strenght to tell myself that everything will be okay
Im scared that one day. I'll just stop and i wont be able to find a reason to live anymore. For now. Im getting along just fine. I can still manage to tap my back and tell myself that its okay. But until when will i be doing this? I cant stay like this forever.
I just wish that other people know how blessed they are.
I cant undo everything that happened in my life. But i know i can make it right. I know i can still make it worth while. I just dont know how and why. Why? --- why would i still make it worth while? Coz if you remove me in the earth's picture everything would still be the same anyways. Its not like im a big impact to anyone or someone. Its not like if i die. Someones life will be messed up or anything. Well. Maybe for a few days. But not for long.
I am breathing but im not living. Its something very depressing.
-Z
My plans of telling them about my status didnt happen though. I dont know. Maybe it was all too fun for something so sad.
No regrets though. Id rather cherish those happy moments with them even just for a while.
Now im back to reality. Back to contemplating about whats next. For the past months. Ive been dreaming about that get together with college friends. But now. I dont know what to look forward to. Its like that scene in Tangled. Where she was so eager to see the lanterns lit up. Yet so anxious whats gonna happen next. I guess i just have to create something to look forward to.
My cd4 test will be a week from now. For some reason. I want to start taking meds already. My immune system is just too fragile without any medications. My allergies are non stop. Its causing me so much insecurities. It lowers down my self worth. My self esteem. Its like everyone else is so good looking. So flawless. So above me. I just cant find the strenght to tell myself that everything will be okay
Im scared that one day. I'll just stop and i wont be able to find a reason to live anymore. For now. Im getting along just fine. I can still manage to tap my back and tell myself that its okay. But until when will i be doing this? I cant stay like this forever.
I just wish that other people know how blessed they are.
I cant undo everything that happened in my life. But i know i can make it right. I know i can still make it worth while. I just dont know how and why. Why? --- why would i still make it worth while? Coz if you remove me in the earth's picture everything would still be the same anyways. Its not like im a big impact to anyone or someone. Its not like if i die. Someones life will be messed up or anything. Well. Maybe for a few days. But not for long.
I am breathing but im not living. Its something very depressing.
-Z
posted from Bloggeroid
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