HIV Testing Centers in the Philippines

I have noticed a lot of pageviews in my blog about "HIV TESTING SITES IN THE PHILIPPINES"

I found this link online and hope it will help others out there who are wanting to be tested.

HIV Testing Centers in the Philippines
(please clink on this link)

If you have any specific questions regarding how to get tested feel free to send me an email at:
iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph or follow my pseudo twitter account @zach_poz

Viral Load Results

I finally got my viral load results last week when I went to see my doctor for my ARV refill. And I got the best news. My viral load went undetectable. It was only less than 34 copies to be exact with. I have not had the chance to have my own copy yet. But I trust my doctor wouldn't give me that information if it wasn't true. So anyway. I am really happy that finally the living virus inside me is supressed. 

So what is a viral load? I got this online. 

While I was at the clinic the day I got my results. I met this guy named JR. 

He somehow noticed my battle scars from my arms. I guess it takes one to know one. 

By the way. Update with how my the scars in my arms look like. This picture i guess was taken about a week ago when i was supposed to blog about health update but had no time coz of work. 

You can still notice some pigmentation (i guess thats how you call them) in some portion of my arms. But my dermatologist said it would soon fade away in time. 

Anyway. This JR guy talked to me while we were waiting for the doctor to arrive at the hospital. He opened a conversation with something like "so how long have you had it?" 

I tried to look confused. As if I dont know what he is talking about. And before i could even answer he showed his "battle scars" too. Saying that he too got it before. 

I never really thought we would have the same condition. Knowing that he weighs heavier than me. About 80kgs. (Sorry. But i heard his weight while it was being checked by the receptionist. So dont judge me. Lol) on the other side. Im already at 71kgs. So yeah. We looked healthly. 

He started sharing his story. He shared that he was in and out of the hospital last year. Accumulating about 9 hospital confinement in a year. 

I was shocked. He shared his frustrations. His pains. His questions. I remained silent. I listened to him very closely. The only thing he kept on saying is "I don't know who gave this to me" 

He also admitted having a promscious lifestyle before.  

I did my share of sharing my story. But it wasn't as detailed as his.

As we carry on our conversation in the clinic while waiting for the doctor nearly 2 hours. I noticed how he smiled everytime he opens up a topic about his condition. And behind that smile. I kind of felt that he was crying inside. 

It was his first time talking to someone who had the same condition as his. 

Unlike me who've met people with hiv in manila and cebu. He only has me to talk with about his condition. A condition we both share. 

I was amazed on how he actually asked me questions. Questions that I think he should probably know about more than anyone else.  Like how hiv is transmitted. Viral load. Arv adherance. Questions usually being asked by those i considered "the lucky ones". 

I answered all of his questions to satisfy his curiousity. And to back him up with some useful details too. 

After about 2 hours of talking. We parted ways and went on with our thing. 

The talk i had with him was unexpected. But i felt blessed to have shared something to him. I felt honored to have heard his story. I hope somehow i was able to enlighten him about our condition.  That amidst everything. Life goes on. 

With or without hiv. Life fucks you up so bad anyway. Its always about how you deal with it. 

Right now im kind of recovering from a flu. It wasn't serious. I guess te weather here is just kind of new to me. I will just enjoy and savor time with travel and everything in between. 

-Z

Celebrating my 25th

I celebrated my 25th birthday a few weeks ago. It was a blast! I woke up to my family and friends calling me on my phone non stop from 12midnight onwards. My social media was flooded by so many birthday greetings. I was really overwhelmed and touched by the birthday greetings of people so close to me

My day started superb! Woke up and had breakfast with family at home. Went to work and was greeted by my employees. Balloons and little cupcakes were all over my office. Little sticky notes with sweet messages started my day. It went on like work as usual the following hours with random texts, calls or visit from my cousins and friends. 

After work, went home and as I open the door. Surprise!!! There I saw most of my college friends, childhood friends, previous officemates, family members all smiling and started singing happy birthday. It was a breathtaking moment. Some were holding balloons, others were holding gifts and cakes, but of course most of them were taking a video of that very moment. I was very speechless. I soon realized tears began to fall, I was very much lost for words. 

Some of them even traveled from other places just to be there and make me feel special that day. I couldn't ask for more. 

Everything was almost perfect. We started taking pictures and talking about old time memories. 

Walking around with my red cup trying to accommodate everyone and saying thank you to all them while all my favorite jam is on the background. It was a perfect night to remember. I feel like I had a whole life ahead of me moving forward the next day. I feel very much renewed, blessed and thankful for the effort and time they gave me on my 25th birthday. 

But I will share to you the most important thing that happened on my birthday. Something I will never forget for the rest of my life. 

I want to be very honest on this. I feel like crying while I actually sum this all up. 

The last 3-5minutes of your time reading this post never actually happened. Everything I wrote never existed. Everything you've just read were all lies and none of those every happened. 

So what really happened?

Woke up to a greeting of one of my friends in college. Went back to sleep as it was too early to wake up. Went to work. Went home and that was just it. 

Yes, i received a few birthday messages and trust me. I was so tempted to reply but i had to stop myself. 

My 25th birthday was just like any other ordinary day. Sometimes I think it was one of those worst days actually. 

As a mom, of course my ever loving mother prepared some food expecting that I invited some of my friends to come over for a small party. But of course, i never did. I think I kind of did that on purpose. I just feel like there was no reason to celebrate. Nothing to really be thankful for. Coz for me, another year added would just be another year of pain, struggle and a battle to live. 

I am very much known to my friends for always celebrating my birthday. in 24 years. I never missed to throw a birthday party. 

Had to close a portion of a club on my 23rd, and had a week long of celebration and travel during my 24th. I can go back from 1 to 22 but it will just be an unending list of themes and parties I am known for during my birthday. 

But this year was different. I thought to myself that if i don't plan out things for my own birthday, no one will. Its a kind of a slap to my face that all along i thought i was important to some people. But I guess I am not. 

Things change. I don't want to feel anything. Happiness, sadness anything. I just want to feel numb with everything that is going on. I just want to live and wait for the time I will die or something. 

I am tired of making other people or even friends happy. I know its kind of mean to expect something in return but I guess human as we are, we all kind of expect something at least. 

I'm not really looking forward to anything fun now. Everyday is just like any other day. Its an endless routine. 

-Z

That Oligarch in Me

I sometimes would know if I had to blog something if I'll start to talk to myself. That would be the perfect time to let it all out and publish it before it even goes away. 

Being always bored after work and having no social life for quite a while now. My routine would usually be Home-Work-Home. All week long. And on sundays, I would usually either stay home the entire day and complain on how bored I am or go out and drive somewhere unknown. 

What I would usually do after work, I would check my phone. Reply to work emails, check social media, reply to few text messages, back read viber group chats and all that. But what would really take most of my time is watching random youtube videos. I am forever a fan of any documentaries that interest me. Its my way of expanding my knowledge and awareness to what is really happening. And keeping myself updated to almost everything. 

This past few days, remembering the death of Ninoy Aquino I started my own research about it. I know that it was taught in school before but it only has one side to it. I started to dig deep and be curious about what really happened. And I ended up having an opinion of my own after hours and hours of watching documentaries. 

But anyway, I came back to reality after hours of watching and thought to myself that like the most powerful families in the Philippines, I too had an ambition so big that my parents sometimes would not understand. 

Growing up. I've always thought that money can buy everything. I guess because growing up, I had everything I could ever ask for. I never really a fun childhood like most people. My childhood were spent in piano lessons, swimming lessons, summer classes, and mostly be in our family business. 

While some of my friends would look forward to saturdays and sundays. I would usually dread it. Since it means that would be going to be in our shop again to just be there and watch or sometimes help out in any possible way. 

My parents already knew my future before anyone else. I my love for money grew in that sense. 

I've always pictured myself to be a good successor to my parents. I never really wanted to disappoint them in any way. They have very high expectations from me and my every move is being closely monitored. Its like every wrong decision always has to be corrected. In our family, getting recognition is unlikely. But getting criticism is in every single day. 

I have this ability to take good care of money once I have it and make it grow. Its really something that I've mastered since I was a kid. I look everything as an opportunity for profit rather than for leisure. I take things seriously in our business. And a drop in weekly sales would usually end up me thinking of ways and means to get it back up doubled the number the following week. 

Its sad though that the thing I hate most from my parents is the exact same thing that I am becoming. Greedy for money. 

I've always wanted more. I have a mind that of a notorious monopolist. For me, its never enough to just have what we have now. I am hungry for more power. And I will work my ass off for it. 

I never really knew how much money we have until such that I was given the opportunity to manage all the finances. All the while I thought I am growing up like everyone else. That having several house help is normal, or having someone drive you to your school everyday, or simply not doing household chores. Growing up, I thought everyone else had the same things I have, experience the same comfort that I have, own the same things I enjoy. I never knew how lucky I was not having problems with money at all. 

I remember the only complain I have before is that my parents weren't usually there for every school activity because of work. 

Now, everything made sense to me. 

I learned to appreciate everything I enjoyed growing up because I became part of the majority for a few years in my life. In college, and after college. 

I listened to other people's sentiments on how they grew up. On how hard it was for them to survive everyday because life isn't fair to them. 

I never really chose this life. I never chose to grow up having almost everything. 

And having said that, I remember the time when I almost killed myself in my room because of depression. I remember the stupid things i said to those people in twitter and email trying to comfort me. I remember how rude i was to all of them. I remember everything. And i regret every single thing of it. 

Now. My will to survive is to honor the responsibilities that my parents are entrusting me now. Everything they did was for my own good. To give me a good life. To give me an almost perfect life with everything that is just within arms reach. Because if I die, everything they've ever worked for in their entire life would be in vain. 

Chief Operations Officer, 

Z

His Post Single Life

I've known this person named Miguel for quite sometime now. We started having a good conversation about 2 fridays ago and from there we started sending pictures of each other. Started video calling. In short we talk more often during after office hours. We took it one day at a time. We started to feel comfortable with each other (I suppose). 

He lives about 1.5 hours away from my place. We have not seen each other yet. We plan to if our time permits but I don't know. 

From my own perspective of him, he is deep, he is very smart, he handles conversation very well. He knows where he would like to go. He have a clear picture of almost everything. 

Our conversation every night would be random. We can talk about anything under the sun, and thats what I like about him. He is planned yet he can be spontaneous. He makes me think. He always has a good point in our conversation. 

Miguel is 27. Like me. He also handles their family business. Hardware and construction. He came from a good family. (all based from his stories) and also came from a 4 year relationship with someone a few months ago. 

Earlier tonight, I tried to talk to him about their break up. He simply said that their relationship was just not working out. He said "he wants to go East, I want to go West". Of course I was pointing out to him that they should've worked it out. But he said "As much as we want to save it, sometimes we just have to let go to make less damage" those were his exact words to me. 

As I think about it just now. I can't help but open my computer and blog about it before my thoughts would all go away like it always does. 

Its my little knowledge about relationship that is always telling me to "save it". 

I've had my last relationship about 5-6 years about back in college. I was very immature back then. But years after years, I guess I learned from people who came along and decided to stay and leave again. 

Its hard for me to just let the relationship go. I guess simply because I've never had one for so many years that having it would be so meaningful to me. When I have friends breaking up, I would always tell them to work and sort things out. Because the happiness of being single would only last for quite some time. 

Isn't ironic that I've been trying so hard to be in a relationship for a while now and yet there are people just giving up on something I can only dream of. I guess for people like me, who have been single for so many years, the saying "it will come when its time" is getting too old. Sometimes I guess, you just dont have to wait. You have to chase it, fight for it, and claim it to be yours. You always have a choice. And if you just chose to wait, then I guess nothing will really happen. 

We create our own fate and destiny, and if we just wait there and feel sorry for ourselves then nothing will really happen. 

Its too soon to tell if the friendship I'm having with Miguel would turn out to be something more. At the back of my mind, there are many ways on how i can deal with it. But for now, I'll just keep a close eye on him. If he feels the same way sooner or later then maybe, just maybe, it could be him that I waited for 6 years. 

-Z

That Night with Bugmates!

Last thursday night was the time I had my social life back. For a few hours at least. 

Spent time with childhood friends in 6100 after work. It has been a while since we last bonded. We weren't complete but it was worth the time off from my boring routine back home. 

After Singapore. I went back to my old work-house routine and it made me feel bored more than ever. And worst. My depression came back for some reason. 

I had a very meaningful talk with them. Esp with M, P and H. We stayed until around past 5:30am just talking about my issues. At first I felt very uncomfortable since i dont really want to be egocentric. But I don't have a choice. They knew something was going one.

All the while H and S thought it was about my lovelife since my prev blog was about Mr Corp Guy. But i guess it was something more. 

Its the feeling of quarterlife crisis. 

I had to listen to their stories. Had to listen to what they are also going through. They made me realize that Ive accomplished so much at my age already. They made me realize that ending my life is not the solution to everything and that more than that, there is indeed more to life. They shared the same sentiments as mine. But they all handled it very well. Kudos to them! 

Now. Everytime i think about my own situation. I would always go back to that moment when all they did was to tell me things ive never heard before. Things that made me feel worthy of Life itself. That im not a waste. That im somebody great. 

With that little gesture they made out of their way. They made an impact to me that night. I guess all I need was just someone so real to really tell me what im worth. I am forever thankful for them. 

Earlier today I was supposed to go back. But for some reason I feel like just staying home and rest. 

Other than that. Let me share to you that im on this dating site called Grindr. 

Had some very nice convos with some people. But I still dont know. All I know is that this wouldn't last for sure. Will blog about it soon. 

-Z

Empty Pill Box

The day you started to empty your pill box and decide not to take medicines again to just end everything. 

Not every part of me wants to die. But i am dying. Ive been depressed for a very long time and the only way I can think of now is to stop everything and let human nature just make its way for me to already die.