Celebrating my 25th

I celebrated my 25th birthday a few weeks ago. It was a blast! I woke up to my family and friends calling me on my phone non stop from 12midnight onwards. My social media was flooded by so many birthday greetings. I was really overwhelmed and touched by the birthday greetings of people so close to me

My day started superb! Woke up and had breakfast with family at home. Went to work and was greeted by my employees. Balloons and little cupcakes were all over my office. Little sticky notes with sweet messages started my day. It went on like work as usual the following hours with random texts, calls or visit from my cousins and friends. 

After work, went home and as I open the door. Surprise!!! There I saw most of my college friends, childhood friends, previous officemates, family members all smiling and started singing happy birthday. It was a breathtaking moment. Some were holding balloons, others were holding gifts and cakes, but of course most of them were taking a video of that very moment. I was very speechless. I soon realized tears began to fall, I was very much lost for words. 

Some of them even traveled from other places just to be there and make me feel special that day. I couldn't ask for more. 

Everything was almost perfect. We started taking pictures and talking about old time memories. 

Walking around with my red cup trying to accommodate everyone and saying thank you to all them while all my favorite jam is on the background. It was a perfect night to remember. I feel like I had a whole life ahead of me moving forward the next day. I feel very much renewed, blessed and thankful for the effort and time they gave me on my 25th birthday. 

But I will share to you the most important thing that happened on my birthday. Something I will never forget for the rest of my life. 

I want to be very honest on this. I feel like crying while I actually sum this all up. 

The last 3-5minutes of your time reading this post never actually happened. Everything I wrote never existed. Everything you've just read were all lies and none of those every happened. 

So what really happened?

Woke up to a greeting of one of my friends in college. Went back to sleep as it was too early to wake up. Went to work. Went home and that was just it. 

Yes, i received a few birthday messages and trust me. I was so tempted to reply but i had to stop myself. 

My 25th birthday was just like any other ordinary day. Sometimes I think it was one of those worst days actually. 

As a mom, of course my ever loving mother prepared some food expecting that I invited some of my friends to come over for a small party. But of course, i never did. I think I kind of did that on purpose. I just feel like there was no reason to celebrate. Nothing to really be thankful for. Coz for me, another year added would just be another year of pain, struggle and a battle to live. 

I am very much known to my friends for always celebrating my birthday. in 24 years. I never missed to throw a birthday party. 

Had to close a portion of a club on my 23rd, and had a week long of celebration and travel during my 24th. I can go back from 1 to 22 but it will just be an unending list of themes and parties I am known for during my birthday. 

But this year was different. I thought to myself that if i don't plan out things for my own birthday, no one will. Its a kind of a slap to my face that all along i thought i was important to some people. But I guess I am not. 

Things change. I don't want to feel anything. Happiness, sadness anything. I just want to feel numb with everything that is going on. I just want to live and wait for the time I will die or something. 

I am tired of making other people or even friends happy. I know its kind of mean to expect something in return but I guess human as we are, we all kind of expect something at least. 

I'm not really looking forward to anything fun now. Everyday is just like any other day. Its an endless routine. 

-Z