Mr. Quiksilver

I honestly don't know how to start (as always) 

I've always been quiet about my relationship with some people. I guess I'm trying this new thing where I try not to talk about the people I like on social media or post pictures of people I am with during travels. 

Okay so lets start. Lets name him Mr. quiksilver. He was introduced to me virtually by one of my good friends. My friend told me that Mr Quiksilver and I have almost the same likes. The obvious, quiksilver brand, food, and travel to name a few. 

So I started to stalk him at first. And i followed his instagram. Liked most of his photos. Its like my way of saying "hey! Notice me!!!!" And to my surprise he kind of did. He added me on facebook and we started talking to each other. 

Long story short. I invited him over to sa travel I made last July in Dauin. We met fpr the very first time and spent 4 days together. It was awkward at first but since we got a lot of things in common. I guess, in my own opinion. We goy along just fine quickly. We became comfortable with eachother. We became a little intimate. Holding hands. Hugging. It was a little fast. But yeah we sort of clicked that way. 

After our Dauin trip. I was confused. As to what it was all about. Why he did made me feel special. Well. In my own perspective at least. I had to know the "WHY". On all the gestures. 

He told me that he was just "living bu the moment" cos he has "cancer". Thats what he told me. 

I did notice during our time together that he was taking meds. On schedule. So i was a little judgemental back there already but it slipped my mind. Until I confessed about my status.

Lo and behold. He is hiv+ too. 

He was diagnosed oct 2015 with an initial cd4 of "4" if im not mistaken.  

From that point. I knew I can't leave him just like that. I felt like he needed me to cope up. I felt the need to help him and be there for him. Since he admittedt that he is still unstable. 

I had to be there for him. As a friend. I had to take everything in. And so it happened. 

Even though I know that there was no special place for me for him. I know I had to stay and be there incase he'll need me. 

A few weeks ago. We travelled to Cebu together again. He was very intimate as ever. We became closer. We were like a cpuple. It was such a good feeling. That time. I was really start to like him eveb more. 

Until. 

After our Cebu trip. I kind of asked him again about his views of relationship. He said that he's fallen out of it already after knowing his status. 

So there I go again. Asking myself "why would he do all those things then? What was it for?" And then i remember "LIVING BY THE MOMENT."

I guess he's just not going to be someone i can be with. In a relationship at least. I guess He never liked me at all. He was just doing it for the sake of doing it. For the sake of travelling. And I dont know who else is he doing that with. 

Last night. I decided to block him. Facebook/instagram/number. 

I decided to delete him completely in my memory. I will move on knowing that he does not exist anymore. The thing im good at.

I've realized that MY HAPPINESS matters too. I cant be with someone who is not on the same page as I am. I can't be with someone who only sees me as a puppet to be used. I can't be with someone who like him. Which I thought i did during the time we were together. But in reality. Everything is just for show. 

His gestures does not mean a thing. I can't be stuck with that kind of set up. I know i deserve to be happy. And i know i deserve someone will make me happy cos he wants to make me happy. I deserve someone who will do things for me cos he means it. 

I cannot be just a prop! I deserve a whole lot more.

I thought I've already found LOVE. Turns out it was just FOR SHOW. It was EMPTY. IT HAS NO MEANING. 

It pains me to think that there are people like him who would HURT people like me.  I mean. What did I ever do to him? I was just being myself. I was not the one who started to be intimate. 

So yeah! Back to square one. 

-Z