Broken

Why do people do things they don't really mean?

He kept on saying that he is just "LIVING BY THE MOMENT" Well, screw that! How can you be so selfish to just live by YOUR moment and not think about the people you might be hurting along the way? I guess it is his (Mr. Quiksilver) way of coping with his status. But does it have to result to this? Hurting people so badly? 

I kept on asking myself, what did I ever do to deserve this? Its been almost 7 years since I last felt that someone made me very special. Admittedly, It was the best feeling yet! I never thought I would ever experience it again. But now? I'm thinking that its better not to experience it at all. 

There is a fine line between making yourself happy at the expense of other people's happiness. 

I'm honestly lost for words on how wicked their mind works. How can people be so selfish? How can people be so "PAASA"? I mean, I know that this time I wasn't assuming about his gestures. It was for real. I felt it was real. 

The time that we were together for 2 weekend getaways now. He never failed to make me feel special at some point. Friends dont hold hands along the beach. Friends don't intimately kiss and cuddle for more than 8 hours. Friends just dont fucking do that. He was the ultimate "pa fall" guy. 

And now as I write this. He is in another weekend getaway again. I don't know who he is with. But just by the looks of his pictures online, since I still kind of sneak in at times although I blocked him already, He is posting pictures obviously like someone is with him taking his all amazing pictures. Trust me. I know. I used to be that photographer. 

I know there is nothing wrong wit just living by the moment. But if you are living your moment and hurting someone. How in the world is that going to be okay? Please someone let me know. Cos until now I still can't figure out that kind of mentality. WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE LIKE THAT? 

I'm no angel. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. But I know as hell I am a good person. I always look at other people's feelings. I feel like I just don't deserve this. Its very unfair when you are trying to live your life at peace and someone comes along to just ruin it and make you look so stupid. I kind of feel sorry myself. For falling inlove again. For spending time with him. For making the effort to be with him. 

HE USED me! He was such a user. He used me to travel. He used me to let people know how well traveled he is jetsetting from one place to the other. He used me to take pictures of what amazing weekend he is having. He used me. He used me!

I guess if all he wanted was a travel buddy. Fine by me. I can work with that since I too, travel alot. But thing is, he was the first one to initiate being intimate with me. I swear as hell I was not the one who made the first move. He never should've kissed me. He never should've held my hand. He never should've hugged me. He never should've said "I'm glad I have you", "Impt thing is I'm with you" the list can go on. I just wish I never should've met him. I wish he never existed. I wish our paths never crossed. I wish I was strong to bar him off when he tried to be intimate with me. I wish I had the courage to move on as easy. I wish I never gave myself a chance to love again. 

I'm in a very shitty place right now. I haven't had any good sleep. It haunts me. Its like I created a monster in me. 

He kept on posting pictures like he's very happy with his travels after I blocked him. I envy him for having no feelings at all. I envy him for NOT FEELING bad or not feeling anything at all. He never reached out. That was just it. It was all over. 

I know it might take a while for me to fully be okay. My birthday is in 2 weeks. I don't know how I can even pull this off. I swear I've never cried this much to a guy before. And I feel very sorry for myself. 

-Z

Viral Load Results

I finally got my viral load results last week when I went to see my doctor for my ARV refill. And I got the best news. My viral load went undetectable. It was only less than 34 copies to be exact with. I have not had the chance to have my own copy yet. But I trust my doctor wouldn't give me that information if it wasn't true. So anyway. I am really happy that finally the living virus inside me is supressed. 

So what is a viral load? I got this online. 

While I was at the clinic the day I got my results. I met this guy named JR. 

He somehow noticed my battle scars from my arms. I guess it takes one to know one. 

By the way. Update with how my the scars in my arms look like. This picture i guess was taken about a week ago when i was supposed to blog about health update but had no time coz of work. 

You can still notice some pigmentation (i guess thats how you call them) in some portion of my arms. But my dermatologist said it would soon fade away in time. 

Anyway. This JR guy talked to me while we were waiting for the doctor to arrive at the hospital. He opened a conversation with something like "so how long have you had it?" 

I tried to look confused. As if I dont know what he is talking about. And before i could even answer he showed his "battle scars" too. Saying that he too got it before. 

I never really thought we would have the same condition. Knowing that he weighs heavier than me. About 80kgs. (Sorry. But i heard his weight while it was being checked by the receptionist. So dont judge me. Lol) on the other side. Im already at 71kgs. So yeah. We looked healthly. 

He started sharing his story. He shared that he was in and out of the hospital last year. Accumulating about 9 hospital confinement in a year. 

I was shocked. He shared his frustrations. His pains. His questions. I remained silent. I listened to him very closely. The only thing he kept on saying is "I don't know who gave this to me" 

He also admitted having a promscious lifestyle before.  

I did my share of sharing my story. But it wasn't as detailed as his.

As we carry on our conversation in the clinic while waiting for the doctor nearly 2 hours. I noticed how he smiled everytime he opens up a topic about his condition. And behind that smile. I kind of felt that he was crying inside. 

It was his first time talking to someone who had the same condition as his. 

Unlike me who've met people with hiv in manila and cebu. He only has me to talk with about his condition. A condition we both share. 

I was amazed on how he actually asked me questions. Questions that I think he should probably know about more than anyone else.  Like how hiv is transmitted. Viral load. Arv adherance. Questions usually being asked by those i considered "the lucky ones". 

I answered all of his questions to satisfy his curiousity. And to back him up with some useful details too. 

After about 2 hours of talking. We parted ways and went on with our thing. 

The talk i had with him was unexpected. But i felt blessed to have shared something to him. I felt honored to have heard his story. I hope somehow i was able to enlighten him about our condition.  That amidst everything. Life goes on. 

With or without hiv. Life fucks you up so bad anyway. Its always about how you deal with it. 

Right now im kind of recovering from a flu. It wasn't serious. I guess te weather here is just kind of new to me. I will just enjoy and savor time with travel and everything in between. 

-Z