Broken

Why do people do things they don't really mean?

He kept on saying that he is just "LIVING BY THE MOMENT" Well, screw that! How can you be so selfish to just live by YOUR moment and not think about the people you might be hurting along the way? I guess it is his (Mr. Quiksilver) way of coping with his status. But does it have to result to this? Hurting people so badly? 

I kept on asking myself, what did I ever do to deserve this? Its been almost 7 years since I last felt that someone made me very special. Admittedly, It was the best feeling yet! I never thought I would ever experience it again. But now? I'm thinking that its better not to experience it at all. 

There is a fine line between making yourself happy at the expense of other people's happiness. 

I'm honestly lost for words on how wicked their mind works. How can people be so selfish? How can people be so "PAASA"? I mean, I know that this time I wasn't assuming about his gestures. It was for real. I felt it was real. 

The time that we were together for 2 weekend getaways now. He never failed to make me feel special at some point. Friends dont hold hands along the beach. Friends don't intimately kiss and cuddle for more than 8 hours. Friends just dont fucking do that. He was the ultimate "pa fall" guy. 

And now as I write this. He is in another weekend getaway again. I don't know who he is with. But just by the looks of his pictures online, since I still kind of sneak in at times although I blocked him already, He is posting pictures obviously like someone is with him taking his all amazing pictures. Trust me. I know. I used to be that photographer. 

I know there is nothing wrong wit just living by the moment. But if you are living your moment and hurting someone. How in the world is that going to be okay? Please someone let me know. Cos until now I still can't figure out that kind of mentality. WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE LIKE THAT? 

I'm no angel. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. But I know as hell I am a good person. I always look at other people's feelings. I feel like I just don't deserve this. Its very unfair when you are trying to live your life at peace and someone comes along to just ruin it and make you look so stupid. I kind of feel sorry myself. For falling inlove again. For spending time with him. For making the effort to be with him. 

HE USED me! He was such a user. He used me to travel. He used me to let people know how well traveled he is jetsetting from one place to the other. He used me to take pictures of what amazing weekend he is having. He used me. He used me!

I guess if all he wanted was a travel buddy. Fine by me. I can work with that since I too, travel alot. But thing is, he was the first one to initiate being intimate with me. I swear as hell I was not the one who made the first move. He never should've kissed me. He never should've held my hand. He never should've hugged me. He never should've said "I'm glad I have you", "Impt thing is I'm with you" the list can go on. I just wish I never should've met him. I wish he never existed. I wish our paths never crossed. I wish I was strong to bar him off when he tried to be intimate with me. I wish I had the courage to move on as easy. I wish I never gave myself a chance to love again. 

I'm in a very shitty place right now. I haven't had any good sleep. It haunts me. Its like I created a monster in me. 

He kept on posting pictures like he's very happy with his travels after I blocked him. I envy him for having no feelings at all. I envy him for NOT FEELING bad or not feeling anything at all. He never reached out. That was just it. It was all over. 

I know it might take a while for me to fully be okay. My birthday is in 2 weeks. I don't know how I can even pull this off. I swear I've never cried this much to a guy before. And I feel very sorry for myself. 

-Z