Uphill Battle

As I walk alone in our lawn this late evening. I tried to ponder on life's imprefection. 

I figured, no matter where I go, no matter what I do. Life as you know it, will always have its own ebb and flows. It will forever change, it will forever be unfair. It will forever be imperfect. 

But one thing I know for sure. We can see life beyond its imperfection by our own perspective. 

Last night, as I was still at rage with a lot of anger with life's imperfection. I thought, starting anew was the answer. I thought going away instead of facing it would solve everything. I was wrong. 

Now im starting to think im crazy. My blog is so full of emotions. Sometimes, im very inspirational. Most of the time,  its just full of anger, grudge, envy. 

I went to my doctor earlier for my ARV refill that would last until August. While waiting for about nearly 2 hours. I decided to watch some youtube documentaries. After that, went home around 3pm and headed straight to work. 

Decided to commute earlier to avoid being asked by my folks about it. 

It was finally an alone time for me. Finally, i was able to just be alone and think about anything. To be in control of everything again, my time, my route, my everything. 

Then i remember the article i read last night from one of my good friend- N. 

Again, it gets me thinking how hard it is to love myself again. 

With just one mistake I made. It all changed just like that.

My plans of proposing to someone, having a family, a wife, a son/daughter of my own. All gone just like that. 

Its hard to love someone I once dreaded. Its hard to love someone, someone like myself now. 

I dont know where to go from here. Im trying to accept myself. Im trying to love myself again. But its like taking one step forward and two steps backward everytime. 

Im thankful for very few friends who are always there. Randomly checking on me everytime. 

This fight is so tough alone. But looking back, I know Ive come a long way. But looking forward. There are still numerous mountains to climb. 

Help me Lord. 

- Z

Living It Large by the Broke Workacholic Man

"I feel like I have a new car but still drives in the same road." I know i heard or read that quote somewhere. I just can't remember where. 

Earlier today was one of those very off days. Went to work but my mind was somewhere. I was really blank the whole time. 

As I sit and ponder upon things. The question of "should I stay or go again" keeps on murmuring in my mind. 

Its just hard to really figure out what you really want to do with your life. Its hard to be inconsistent with almost everything- decisions, thoughts, moods, EVERYTHING! 

Im one of those who doesn't really want to embrace change. 

When it comes to work, i think im doing good. Im doing what im expected to do. Little by little at least. We're getting there. But sometimes, i feel that there's really no recognition from my mom AT ALL. No "good job" or "way to go". 

I remember last time i wanted to use my car for a roadtrip with friends. It was a sunday. So basically, its sort of my day off. She just shut me off by saying that I need to gas it myself. 

My point is, yes, i have savings, i have a little investment, but i work for her too. Yes, i live and eat under her house. But to limit everything that I do is a little too much. 

I dont really have incoming income aside from my savings. And if everytime I go out or want to do something ill spend my own money, i dont think my savings would even last. 

Its basic accounting. No cash inflows. Only cash outflows everytime. 

As a 24 year old guy, i dont expect myself to just stay home and do exactly like what she does. 

I dont know. A little money would not be as bad. Thinking that Im working my butt off for it. Even CEOs have salaries for themselves. I didn't even ask for one thinking that i really dont WANT anything. But at some point sometimes even my NEEDS are being limited already. 

I NEED to go out there and not be dead depressed everytime Im home. 

I dont know. I may sound so off on this one. But i feel that this is somehow too much of really controlling me. 

Recently. I expressed to her how I wanted to enroll myself in the gym since in gaining weight so fast. From 52kgs to 61.8kgs in just a month. 

But as expected, she told me that i should use my own money for it. 

A few days ago, Jpmc (my prev company) informed me that my backpay is ready for pickup. But since im like a flight away. I cant go there without spending money again. It will cost me alot. So I asked my friend M if he could do me a favor and that God he agreed. But problem is sending it over to me. Its a check, so it needs to be endoresed before depositing it. So my mom told me to send our driver over to pick it up. So another expense for me. Had to cancel gym plans just for that again. 

Slowly im thinking that she is making me her little slave as well. Dont get me wrong, i love my mom so much. Thats why i decided to leave my career in Cebu to help her with the family business. 

But sometimes, the greed for money is just too much to handle. 

I dont know. I dont back read most of my blogs. So i dont know if im even making sense. I just feel so lost. I want to run away and never really return for good. 

I never really felt what its like to belong in a family. With a father, and a mother. And im not going to have my own either with this condition. 

-Z

Those Who Stayed

Looking back 20 years from now. Preschool days, elementary days, highschool or even college. 

We've met thousands of people already. Befriended a lot of them. Had close relationships with them at some point. 

But pause right now. And count how many people left close to you now from those times. How many people are left? How many people you've known since preschool, elementary, highschool, or college is with you right now? 

I bet they can all fit in your fingers. Say 10? Or even 20? So out of the thousand or hundred close relationships we've all had years back. We only have these people we are thinking now. 

I tell you. Those people are worth keeping. 

Its not the quantity of friends. Its all about the quality of friendship. 

Some may say, we've all been busy. Went with different careers after school. But why do we still have these people right now? One thing- constant communication. 

In a world where communication was made easy by technology. I dont think we have an excuse after all. 

I myself am guilty of this. But oftentimes. I find myself randomly keeping in touch with some old friends. But when will I stop doing that? When will I be checked by most if not some of them? 

How ironic it is that thru time. Technology has made its way in making it simpler or easier for us to communicate. But I guess its what draws us apart now. 

Im getting tired of always reaching out to people. Always be the one to bridge the gap of distance, or of our busy schedule. 

I want to cry. But i cant. I guess depression is slowly turning into anger. 

So which one are you? The one who reaches out always or the one who receives the message? 

Its time that I dont let people take advantage of how fragile I am now. Its time to move on and simply just stick with people who are with me. Thru thick and thin. Its hard to let go of memories. But I guess thats why they are called memories after all. Coz all you can di now is think about it. The past. 

- Z

Blocked. Unfriended. Unfollowed

Its hard to just shut people off. Especially if they are really part of your life. But its been too long. And the reasons are really getting absurd. 

Its better to have few people right next to me than to have so many but mostly are only FOR SHOW. 

So I guess its really Friendship over. You live your life. I live mine. HYPOCRITES! 

#foursomenomore

#angelsnomore

-Z

Eat. Meds. Sleep. Repeat (Health Update)

When Im busy. Im really busy. But after all the work is done. Im back to this reality ive been trying to deal with since 2013. 

I want to just preoccupy myself with so many work. With one hectic schedule to avoid being calm and remembering the condition i will forever carry. 

I have been working my butt off trying to learn everything from scratch. Trying to at least help the family business. They have very high expectations from me. They expect me to do wonders. They expect me to make changes. And often times. I am just so overwhelmed with every responsibility given. 

Its been almost a month. And now im starting to ask myself. Do I really want this kind of lifestyle for the rest of my life? Waking up everyday. Working. Going home and waiting for tomorrow to come. Its a very boring routine. I feel so lonely doing it everyday. I dont feel happy with what im doing. 

I feel like i am missing a lot with my schedule. I am missing a lot of experiences out there. 

I dont get to see friends. I dont get to receive calls or even msgs from them. Most of the time, Im the one always checking on them. It gets very depressing. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another boring routine day. Theres really nothing to look forward to waking up every single day. 

As I always say, midlife crisis at its best. 

So for health updates. Planning to finally enrol myself in the hub here in 6100. Hoping to go there sometime next week. 

After camping 2 weeks ago. Been suffering with a pain in my right shoulder. Something im not very used to. But its been doing good now. 

My allergies are getting okay. Not totally gone but we're getting there. Just some scars left. 

Hoping to visit the dermatologist that was recommended to me by my doctor anytime soon. But i duno. Without any source of income now. Its hard to just spend and spend money. Knowing that im not really getting paid by my parents. 

I feel that somehow i am entitled to spend for myself. After all, its for medical reasons. Not some lavish dinner or vacation or something close. 

My parents expect me to just work. Work. Work. And not really spend anything. Even if its for myself. Thats how greedy they are with money. 

I'll blog about it soon. 

-Z

Feeling NOBODY.

I just got home from work. Went home a little early actually. 

My day started like just an ordinary day. Woke up before 7am in time for my 7am meds and 7am work. Had a good breakfast and started working right after. 

Work was okay. So so. Just the regular busy day at work. 

Went home around 2pm for lunch since my cousin from the US was home with home fot lunch around 12nn. Thought id be home without him to avoid futher conversation. But sadly he was still there. So I had to just pretend im ecstatic to see him and had a so so conversation about anything. 

I dont really have a good relationship with any of my cousins. Its just that ive never really felt i belong since day 1 of my existence. Went back to work around 3pm. 

Other cousins went to the US for a month vacay. In CA and MN. So much for them telling me to live a "simple" life. Anyway. Also learned that my other aunt and other cousins are off to Europe for a 2-weeks vacation this May as well. How wonderful----- NOT! 

And just like that. My day started to go off. I dont know. I just feel so jealous with everything thats going on with them. I envy them a lot. 

I suddenly felt like i was NOBODY. I felt depressed again just like that. Im a kind of person who always wants to see myself above everyone else. I guess i grew up being above everyone else for the longest time. That i dont know how to respond if someone else's life is better than mine. I dont know. I know its wrong to feel that way. But thats what im feeling right now. I feel so useless. I feel that my life will just be like this forever. No progression. 

Latet this afternoon. Some gradeschool classmates came to pick me up for coffee. Went out with them for about an hour. 

I was just there. Smiling with their stories. How they just randomly see each other in Singapore. Or shop in Malaysia or spend some 60k worth of bag. How they spend millions to buy new cars everytime. I just sat there and listened to how their wonderful life went. 

I feel bad. Coz right now i feel so useless. Its like im a nobody. 

Busy Bee

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Just giving updates that im still alive. 

So what really happened after I got home? One word can really sum it all up ---- WORK. 

I've been very busy with handling the family business lately. Its like im starting everything from scratch. Learning everything from dust and cowebbs. 

Most of the time, i am working with inventories and encoding almost everything in my desktop. Something my parents havent had since Day 1 of their existence. Aside from that, im also working with sales, hr and everything in between. In short. Im handling everything. So yeah. One word: STRESS!

But in a good way though. Everyday is different. 

Sometimes i do field work too. Visiting farms and other clients. 

Been seeing some old time friends too. Not that often. But we hang out if time permits. 

Went camping with them just recently and i was very much humbled by the experience. It was fun. 

My life now is all about work. I'll try to give updates from time to time. 

Just thought of posting something here. 

-Z