Feeling NOBODY.

I just got home from work. Went home a little early actually. 

My day started like just an ordinary day. Woke up before 7am in time for my 7am meds and 7am work. Had a good breakfast and started working right after. 

Work was okay. So so. Just the regular busy day at work. 

Went home around 2pm for lunch since my cousin from the US was home with home fot lunch around 12nn. Thought id be home without him to avoid futher conversation. But sadly he was still there. So I had to just pretend im ecstatic to see him and had a so so conversation about anything. 

I dont really have a good relationship with any of my cousins. Its just that ive never really felt i belong since day 1 of my existence. Went back to work around 3pm. 

Other cousins went to the US for a month vacay. In CA and MN. So much for them telling me to live a "simple" life. Anyway. Also learned that my other aunt and other cousins are off to Europe for a 2-weeks vacation this May as well. How wonderful----- NOT! 

And just like that. My day started to go off. I dont know. I just feel so jealous with everything thats going on with them. I envy them a lot. 

I suddenly felt like i was NOBODY. I felt depressed again just like that. Im a kind of person who always wants to see myself above everyone else. I guess i grew up being above everyone else for the longest time. That i dont know how to respond if someone else's life is better than mine. I dont know. I know its wrong to feel that way. But thats what im feeling right now. I feel so useless. I feel that my life will just be like this forever. No progression. 

Latet this afternoon. Some gradeschool classmates came to pick me up for coffee. Went out with them for about an hour. 

I was just there. Smiling with their stories. How they just randomly see each other in Singapore. Or shop in Malaysia or spend some 60k worth of bag. How they spend millions to buy new cars everytime. I just sat there and listened to how their wonderful life went. 

I feel bad. Coz right now i feel so useless. Its like im a nobody.