Uphill Battle

As I walk alone in our lawn this late evening. I tried to ponder on life's imprefection. 

I figured, no matter where I go, no matter what I do. Life as you know it, will always have its own ebb and flows. It will forever change, it will forever be unfair. It will forever be imperfect. 

But one thing I know for sure. We can see life beyond its imperfection by our own perspective. 

Last night, as I was still at rage with a lot of anger with life's imperfection. I thought, starting anew was the answer. I thought going away instead of facing it would solve everything. I was wrong. 

Now im starting to think im crazy. My blog is so full of emotions. Sometimes, im very inspirational. Most of the time,  its just full of anger, grudge, envy. 

I went to my doctor earlier for my ARV refill that would last until August. While waiting for about nearly 2 hours. I decided to watch some youtube documentaries. After that, went home around 3pm and headed straight to work. 

Decided to commute earlier to avoid being asked by my folks about it. 

It was finally an alone time for me. Finally, i was able to just be alone and think about anything. To be in control of everything again, my time, my route, my everything. 

Then i remember the article i read last night from one of my good friend- N. 

Again, it gets me thinking how hard it is to love myself again. 

With just one mistake I made. It all changed just like that.

My plans of proposing to someone, having a family, a wife, a son/daughter of my own. All gone just like that. 

Its hard to love someone I once dreaded. Its hard to love someone, someone like myself now. 

I dont know where to go from here. Im trying to accept myself. Im trying to love myself again. But its like taking one step forward and two steps backward everytime. 

Im thankful for very few friends who are always there. Randomly checking on me everytime. 

This fight is so tough alone. But looking back, I know Ive come a long way. But looking forward. There are still numerous mountains to climb. 

Help me Lord. 

- Z