"I feel like I have a new car but still drives in the same road." I know i heard or read that quote somewhere. I just can't remember where.
Earlier today was one of those very off days. Went to work but my mind was somewhere. I was really blank the whole time.
As I sit and ponder upon things. The question of "should I stay or go again" keeps on murmuring in my mind.
Its just hard to really figure out what you really want to do with your life. Its hard to be inconsistent with almost everything- decisions, thoughts, moods, EVERYTHING!
Im one of those who doesn't really want to embrace change.
When it comes to work, i think im doing good. Im doing what im expected to do. Little by little at least. We're getting there. But sometimes, i feel that there's really no recognition from my mom AT ALL. No "good job" or "way to go".
I remember last time i wanted to use my car for a roadtrip with friends. It was a sunday. So basically, its sort of my day off. She just shut me off by saying that I need to gas it myself.
My point is, yes, i have savings, i have a little investment, but i work for her too. Yes, i live and eat under her house. But to limit everything that I do is a little too much.
I dont really have incoming income aside from my savings. And if everytime I go out or want to do something ill spend my own money, i dont think my savings would even last.
Its basic accounting. No cash inflows. Only cash outflows everytime.
As a 24 year old guy, i dont expect myself to just stay home and do exactly like what she does.
I dont know. A little money would not be as bad. Thinking that Im working my butt off for it. Even CEOs have salaries for themselves. I didn't even ask for one thinking that i really dont WANT anything. But at some point sometimes even my NEEDS are being limited already.
I NEED to go out there and not be dead depressed everytime Im home.
I dont know. I may sound so off on this one. But i feel that this is somehow too much of really controlling me.
Recently. I expressed to her how I wanted to enroll myself in the gym since in gaining weight so fast. From 52kgs to 61.8kgs in just a month.
But as expected, she told me that i should use my own money for it.
A few days ago, Jpmc (my prev company) informed me that my backpay is ready for pickup. But since im like a flight away. I cant go there without spending money again. It will cost me alot. So I asked my friend M if he could do me a favor and that God he agreed. But problem is sending it over to me. Its a check, so it needs to be endoresed before depositing it. So my mom told me to send our driver over to pick it up. So another expense for me. Had to cancel gym plans just for that again.
Slowly im thinking that she is making me her little slave as well. Dont get me wrong, i love my mom so much. Thats why i decided to leave my career in Cebu to help her with the family business.
But sometimes, the greed for money is just too much to handle.
I dont know. I dont back read most of my blogs. So i dont know if im even making sense. I just feel so lost. I want to run away and never really return for good.
I never really felt what its like to belong in a family. With a father, and a mother. And im not going to have my own either with this condition.
-Z
No comments:
Post a Comment