Heir or Not?

I know I haven't really blogged in quite a while. I've been busy with work. So i'll try to sum everything up as briefly as possible. 

WORK. 

Well work is the same as usual. Ive been busy more than anything. BIR eFPS thing. And everything in between. I just hope that I will soon get credit to everything i've worked for. 

Its like I know that ive constantly been checking almost everything from sales, expenses, inventories, hr and accounting but I rarely get any credit with all the work Ive done. With my mum, its always not good enough. There's always this something wrong with everything im doing. 

HEALTH. 

I recently got my cd4 test results taken last tuesday. From 361. Im now up by more than half. Im now at 757. It was a very great news. It was indeed overwhelming. 

WHAT ELSE? 

I literally went blank. I feel like i have so many things to share but i just dont know how and where to start. I think after my cd4 tests. I can have all the reason to feel depressed again. I dont know. I feel like im so soked with work without getting any recognition. 

As i scan through the pages of our Articles of Incorporation and By Laws. I just stare at the name of my mum being the president. And all my cousins being the director. 

I almost feel like crying. That until now. Im still not part of the company i work for. The company i started to rebuilt for my mum. At least not part of it by law. 

I gave up my wonderful career in Cebu just to go home and help out when things were not doing good with the business. 

And after all the hard work. Im still the errand boy. Doing and working my ass off to monitor everything. 

I dont know. I dont want to assume that someday ill be the heir to all of this. I guess im just being a realist. I just wanted to be sure ill take that seat of my mum one day. I just wanted to be assured that Im not wasting my time here. 

Growing up. Ive always been compared to all of my "sucessful" cousins. And lately Ive been compared to our "driver" who happens to run the hacienda and ricefields. Like seriously? Dont i deserve a little recognition? 

Now. Im honestly thinking of really moving out of home for good and never really return. 

I am thinking of leaving everything behind. People kept on saying that Im the sole heir of my mum. But i dont feel like it. I feel that one day. When she's gone. I will just be like everyone else. Since all of our properties and most of our business are under some other people's name. 

Its not like im after for my inheritance or something. Its just that. I dont want to stay here and waste my time if im not going to be the heir of it anyway. Where i can be somewhere now working and building my own career. 

-Z

HIV Stigma

As I was doing my everynight routine of watching random youtube documentaries. One of my friend who happens to know my status sent me this link about a topic whom he think i should respond. 

It goes, "I dont want to date an HIV positive guy". You can read the whole article in this link:  http://www.thegailygrind.com/2015/10/14/i-dont-want-to-date-an-hiv-positive-guy-tyler-curry-brilliantly-responds-to-hiv-stigma/

Today, not only was I upset because of some volleyball game my favorite team has not won in the last 3 games yet. But also because of some Presidential Candidates come 2016 here in the Philippines who have become stupid enough to even consider having a position in the government. Its when you think that University elections are more serious than our national election. 

But anyway. Regarding this article. I can't help but nod as i read the response of Tyler Curry. But I soon reached the comments from the readers that made me upset even more. 

People still don't see us beyond our condition. They see as a walking bomb. Or like a threat to society that must be put to death. Which we already are. 

The stigma is REAL. The discrimination is REAL. The judgement of people is REAL. 

But being accepted in the society i live in right now is kind of less of my concern. My family is influencial. I consider myself infulencial. As braggy as it sounds. I dont feel inferior about how I live because I know I am living a good life and im still working my ass off to even become better in terms of financial stability and net worth. 

But at some point. At the back of my mind. What if people knew about my status. Would I still be the same person? Would they still look up to my family's reputation? 

Deep within me. I know I am still who I am. With or without hiv. It does not define me. It even made me a stronger person. 

I have long disregarded the idea of being in a relationship. One big factor is of course my status of having HIV. 

No matter how well I do in some aspects of life. If the person ill be dating with does not want to date someone with hiv. I cannot do anything about it. I cannot change it. 

But the more I feel rejected. The more I become strong and determined to reach all my goals. 

I guess it all boils down to the choices we make. 

I can choose to be depressed all day for the rest of my life knowing I have HIV. Or live my life to the fullest and enjoy everything life has to offer. Including its adversities. 

You surely can't please anyone. Everyone now a days will always have something to say about anything. Even if they know nothing about it. Thats the power of social media and how people over use the irony of "freedom of speech". 

As what Charles Swindoll said in one of his books "Life is just 10%. 90% is how you respond to it" 

-Z

HIV Testing Centers in the Philippines

I have noticed a lot of pageviews in my blog about "HIV TESTING SITES IN THE PHILIPPINES"

I found this link online and hope it will help others out there who are wanting to be tested.

HIV Testing Centers in the Philippines
(please clink on this link)

If you have any specific questions regarding how to get tested feel free to send me an email at:
iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph or follow my pseudo twitter account @zach_poz

Viral Load Results

I finally got my viral load results last week when I went to see my doctor for my ARV refill. And I got the best news. My viral load went undetectable. It was only less than 34 copies to be exact with. I have not had the chance to have my own copy yet. But I trust my doctor wouldn't give me that information if it wasn't true. So anyway. I am really happy that finally the living virus inside me is supressed. 

So what is a viral load? I got this online. 

While I was at the clinic the day I got my results. I met this guy named JR. 

He somehow noticed my battle scars from my arms. I guess it takes one to know one. 

By the way. Update with how my the scars in my arms look like. This picture i guess was taken about a week ago when i was supposed to blog about health update but had no time coz of work. 

You can still notice some pigmentation (i guess thats how you call them) in some portion of my arms. But my dermatologist said it would soon fade away in time. 

Anyway. This JR guy talked to me while we were waiting for the doctor to arrive at the hospital. He opened a conversation with something like "so how long have you had it?" 

I tried to look confused. As if I dont know what he is talking about. And before i could even answer he showed his "battle scars" too. Saying that he too got it before. 

I never really thought we would have the same condition. Knowing that he weighs heavier than me. About 80kgs. (Sorry. But i heard his weight while it was being checked by the receptionist. So dont judge me. Lol) on the other side. Im already at 71kgs. So yeah. We looked healthly. 

He started sharing his story. He shared that he was in and out of the hospital last year. Accumulating about 9 hospital confinement in a year. 

I was shocked. He shared his frustrations. His pains. His questions. I remained silent. I listened to him very closely. The only thing he kept on saying is "I don't know who gave this to me" 

He also admitted having a promscious lifestyle before.  

I did my share of sharing my story. But it wasn't as detailed as his.

As we carry on our conversation in the clinic while waiting for the doctor nearly 2 hours. I noticed how he smiled everytime he opens up a topic about his condition. And behind that smile. I kind of felt that he was crying inside. 

It was his first time talking to someone who had the same condition as his. 

Unlike me who've met people with hiv in manila and cebu. He only has me to talk with about his condition. A condition we both share. 

I was amazed on how he actually asked me questions. Questions that I think he should probably know about more than anyone else.  Like how hiv is transmitted. Viral load. Arv adherance. Questions usually being asked by those i considered "the lucky ones". 

I answered all of his questions to satisfy his curiousity. And to back him up with some useful details too. 

After about 2 hours of talking. We parted ways and went on with our thing. 

The talk i had with him was unexpected. But i felt blessed to have shared something to him. I felt honored to have heard his story. I hope somehow i was able to enlighten him about our condition.  That amidst everything. Life goes on. 

With or without hiv. Life fucks you up so bad anyway. Its always about how you deal with it. 

Right now im kind of recovering from a flu. It wasn't serious. I guess te weather here is just kind of new to me. I will just enjoy and savor time with travel and everything in between. 

-Z

Celebrating my 25th

I celebrated my 25th birthday a few weeks ago. It was a blast! I woke up to my family and friends calling me on my phone non stop from 12midnight onwards. My social media was flooded by so many birthday greetings. I was really overwhelmed and touched by the birthday greetings of people so close to me

My day started superb! Woke up and had breakfast with family at home. Went to work and was greeted by my employees. Balloons and little cupcakes were all over my office. Little sticky notes with sweet messages started my day. It went on like work as usual the following hours with random texts, calls or visit from my cousins and friends. 

After work, went home and as I open the door. Surprise!!! There I saw most of my college friends, childhood friends, previous officemates, family members all smiling and started singing happy birthday. It was a breathtaking moment. Some were holding balloons, others were holding gifts and cakes, but of course most of them were taking a video of that very moment. I was very speechless. I soon realized tears began to fall, I was very much lost for words. 

Some of them even traveled from other places just to be there and make me feel special that day. I couldn't ask for more. 

Everything was almost perfect. We started taking pictures and talking about old time memories. 

Walking around with my red cup trying to accommodate everyone and saying thank you to all them while all my favorite jam is on the background. It was a perfect night to remember. I feel like I had a whole life ahead of me moving forward the next day. I feel very much renewed, blessed and thankful for the effort and time they gave me on my 25th birthday. 

But I will share to you the most important thing that happened on my birthday. Something I will never forget for the rest of my life. 

I want to be very honest on this. I feel like crying while I actually sum this all up. 

The last 3-5minutes of your time reading this post never actually happened. Everything I wrote never existed. Everything you've just read were all lies and none of those every happened. 

So what really happened?

Woke up to a greeting of one of my friends in college. Went back to sleep as it was too early to wake up. Went to work. Went home and that was just it. 

Yes, i received a few birthday messages and trust me. I was so tempted to reply but i had to stop myself. 

My 25th birthday was just like any other ordinary day. Sometimes I think it was one of those worst days actually. 

As a mom, of course my ever loving mother prepared some food expecting that I invited some of my friends to come over for a small party. But of course, i never did. I think I kind of did that on purpose. I just feel like there was no reason to celebrate. Nothing to really be thankful for. Coz for me, another year added would just be another year of pain, struggle and a battle to live. 

I am very much known to my friends for always celebrating my birthday. in 24 years. I never missed to throw a birthday party. 

Had to close a portion of a club on my 23rd, and had a week long of celebration and travel during my 24th. I can go back from 1 to 22 but it will just be an unending list of themes and parties I am known for during my birthday. 

But this year was different. I thought to myself that if i don't plan out things for my own birthday, no one will. Its a kind of a slap to my face that all along i thought i was important to some people. But I guess I am not. 

Things change. I don't want to feel anything. Happiness, sadness anything. I just want to feel numb with everything that is going on. I just want to live and wait for the time I will die or something. 

I am tired of making other people or even friends happy. I know its kind of mean to expect something in return but I guess human as we are, we all kind of expect something at least. 

I'm not really looking forward to anything fun now. Everyday is just like any other day. Its an endless routine. 

-Z

That Oligarch in Me

I sometimes would know if I had to blog something if I'll start to talk to myself. That would be the perfect time to let it all out and publish it before it even goes away. 

Being always bored after work and having no social life for quite a while now. My routine would usually be Home-Work-Home. All week long. And on sundays, I would usually either stay home the entire day and complain on how bored I am or go out and drive somewhere unknown. 

What I would usually do after work, I would check my phone. Reply to work emails, check social media, reply to few text messages, back read viber group chats and all that. But what would really take most of my time is watching random youtube videos. I am forever a fan of any documentaries that interest me. Its my way of expanding my knowledge and awareness to what is really happening. And keeping myself updated to almost everything. 

This past few days, remembering the death of Ninoy Aquino I started my own research about it. I know that it was taught in school before but it only has one side to it. I started to dig deep and be curious about what really happened. And I ended up having an opinion of my own after hours and hours of watching documentaries. 

But anyway, I came back to reality after hours of watching and thought to myself that like the most powerful families in the Philippines, I too had an ambition so big that my parents sometimes would not understand. 

Growing up. I've always thought that money can buy everything. I guess because growing up, I had everything I could ever ask for. I never really a fun childhood like most people. My childhood were spent in piano lessons, swimming lessons, summer classes, and mostly be in our family business. 

While some of my friends would look forward to saturdays and sundays. I would usually dread it. Since it means that would be going to be in our shop again to just be there and watch or sometimes help out in any possible way. 

My parents already knew my future before anyone else. I my love for money grew in that sense. 

I've always pictured myself to be a good successor to my parents. I never really wanted to disappoint them in any way. They have very high expectations from me and my every move is being closely monitored. Its like every wrong decision always has to be corrected. In our family, getting recognition is unlikely. But getting criticism is in every single day. 

I have this ability to take good care of money once I have it and make it grow. Its really something that I've mastered since I was a kid. I look everything as an opportunity for profit rather than for leisure. I take things seriously in our business. And a drop in weekly sales would usually end up me thinking of ways and means to get it back up doubled the number the following week. 

Its sad though that the thing I hate most from my parents is the exact same thing that I am becoming. Greedy for money. 

I've always wanted more. I have a mind that of a notorious monopolist. For me, its never enough to just have what we have now. I am hungry for more power. And I will work my ass off for it. 

I never really knew how much money we have until such that I was given the opportunity to manage all the finances. All the while I thought I am growing up like everyone else. That having several house help is normal, or having someone drive you to your school everyday, or simply not doing household chores. Growing up, I thought everyone else had the same things I have, experience the same comfort that I have, own the same things I enjoy. I never knew how lucky I was not having problems with money at all. 

I remember the only complain I have before is that my parents weren't usually there for every school activity because of work. 

Now, everything made sense to me. 

I learned to appreciate everything I enjoyed growing up because I became part of the majority for a few years in my life. In college, and after college. 

I listened to other people's sentiments on how they grew up. On how hard it was for them to survive everyday because life isn't fair to them. 

I never really chose this life. I never chose to grow up having almost everything. 

And having said that, I remember the time when I almost killed myself in my room because of depression. I remember the stupid things i said to those people in twitter and email trying to comfort me. I remember how rude i was to all of them. I remember everything. And i regret every single thing of it. 

Now. My will to survive is to honor the responsibilities that my parents are entrusting me now. Everything they did was for my own good. To give me a good life. To give me an almost perfect life with everything that is just within arms reach. Because if I die, everything they've ever worked for in their entire life would be in vain. 

Chief Operations Officer, 

Z

His Post Single Life

I've known this person named Miguel for quite sometime now. We started having a good conversation about 2 fridays ago and from there we started sending pictures of each other. Started video calling. In short we talk more often during after office hours. We took it one day at a time. We started to feel comfortable with each other (I suppose). 

He lives about 1.5 hours away from my place. We have not seen each other yet. We plan to if our time permits but I don't know. 

From my own perspective of him, he is deep, he is very smart, he handles conversation very well. He knows where he would like to go. He have a clear picture of almost everything. 

Our conversation every night would be random. We can talk about anything under the sun, and thats what I like about him. He is planned yet he can be spontaneous. He makes me think. He always has a good point in our conversation. 

Miguel is 27. Like me. He also handles their family business. Hardware and construction. He came from a good family. (all based from his stories) and also came from a 4 year relationship with someone a few months ago. 

Earlier tonight, I tried to talk to him about their break up. He simply said that their relationship was just not working out. He said "he wants to go East, I want to go West". Of course I was pointing out to him that they should've worked it out. But he said "As much as we want to save it, sometimes we just have to let go to make less damage" those were his exact words to me. 

As I think about it just now. I can't help but open my computer and blog about it before my thoughts would all go away like it always does. 

Its my little knowledge about relationship that is always telling me to "save it". 

I've had my last relationship about 5-6 years about back in college. I was very immature back then. But years after years, I guess I learned from people who came along and decided to stay and leave again. 

Its hard for me to just let the relationship go. I guess simply because I've never had one for so many years that having it would be so meaningful to me. When I have friends breaking up, I would always tell them to work and sort things out. Because the happiness of being single would only last for quite some time. 

Isn't ironic that I've been trying so hard to be in a relationship for a while now and yet there are people just giving up on something I can only dream of. I guess for people like me, who have been single for so many years, the saying "it will come when its time" is getting too old. Sometimes I guess, you just dont have to wait. You have to chase it, fight for it, and claim it to be yours. You always have a choice. And if you just chose to wait, then I guess nothing will really happen. 

We create our own fate and destiny, and if we just wait there and feel sorry for ourselves then nothing will really happen. 

Its too soon to tell if the friendship I'm having with Miguel would turn out to be something more. At the back of my mind, there are many ways on how i can deal with it. But for now, I'll just keep a close eye on him. If he feels the same way sooner or later then maybe, just maybe, it could be him that I waited for 6 years. 

-Z

That Night with Bugmates!

Last thursday night was the time I had my social life back. For a few hours at least. 

Spent time with childhood friends in 6100 after work. It has been a while since we last bonded. We weren't complete but it was worth the time off from my boring routine back home. 

After Singapore. I went back to my old work-house routine and it made me feel bored more than ever. And worst. My depression came back for some reason. 

I had a very meaningful talk with them. Esp with M, P and H. We stayed until around past 5:30am just talking about my issues. At first I felt very uncomfortable since i dont really want to be egocentric. But I don't have a choice. They knew something was going one.

All the while H and S thought it was about my lovelife since my prev blog was about Mr Corp Guy. But i guess it was something more. 

Its the feeling of quarterlife crisis. 

I had to listen to their stories. Had to listen to what they are also going through. They made me realize that Ive accomplished so much at my age already. They made me realize that ending my life is not the solution to everything and that more than that, there is indeed more to life. They shared the same sentiments as mine. But they all handled it very well. Kudos to them! 

Now. Everytime i think about my own situation. I would always go back to that moment when all they did was to tell me things ive never heard before. Things that made me feel worthy of Life itself. That im not a waste. That im somebody great. 

With that little gesture they made out of their way. They made an impact to me that night. I guess all I need was just someone so real to really tell me what im worth. I am forever thankful for them. 

Earlier today I was supposed to go back. But for some reason I feel like just staying home and rest. 

Other than that. Let me share to you that im on this dating site called Grindr. 

Had some very nice convos with some people. But I still dont know. All I know is that this wouldn't last for sure. Will blog about it soon. 

-Z

Empty Pill Box

The day you started to empty your pill box and decide not to take medicines again to just end everything. 

Not every part of me wants to die. But i am dying. Ive been depressed for a very long time and the only way I can think of now is to stop everything and let human nature just make its way for me to already die. 

Hopeless Romantic

I never really learn. Its been days that I've been depressed again. I know it coz all I want to do all day is to sleep and not ever wake up again. There was even a time that I woke up crying my heart out from a very bad dream. All the while i thought sleeping would let me escape reality. But even in my sleep Im being haunted by extreme sadness. And when asked whats bothering me? I don't even know. I can't seem to answer straight. I don't know what is it that I want. I'll try my best to explain. 

Last March, I arrived home and decided to stay here for good. I worked so hard to get back in shape. To look good. To feel good. The results were very addicting actually. I've seen a lot of changes, from my scars, from my physique, from my state of mind. I continued doing what i've been doing. Work out 4x a week. Stay away from stress. Travel from time to time. Eat healthy. Meet with friends. Avoid being depressed. 

It worked for a while until I realized that no matter what I do, I wouldn't be as good as everyone else around me. I was already in the point that I'm starting to love what im seeing physically. I told myself that I'm looking good. I told myself that there's no way people would not notice me. But I was wrong. 

There are still others out there way way, and way better than how i look. There are still gorgeous people around me and being with them makes me feel depressed. Thinking of how much effort I've put just to achieve this. And yet, its not even half as good as them. People still dont notice me. I'm still the below average person among all the crowd. 

Yes, I think im an attention seeker. I just grew up with it. I'm so used to having all the attention up until I was diagnosed where I lost all the self esteem in the world. 

I think it all boils down to one thing. I guess? Its being single that is bothering me. I don't know whats wrong with me? Is this because of the meds im taking? Or is there something really wrong with me? I want to get well. I want this feeling to go away. 

Last time I was in Manila. I met one of my good friend Doc Pao. I knew already that he is with someone (partnered) and I was so eager to know and see this guy. And we did. He was decent, good looking. I began to feel bad about myself. And started to ask, Why can't I experience that? Why can't I be noticed by someone? Its so unfair. Those were the things running in my mind. Don't get me wrong. Im happy for the both of them. But at the same time, I felt sorry for myself. 

There was even a time when my friends would talk about certain people they dated, or they've met along the way. And I just sit there listen to their fascinating stories. About their exs, their dates, everything. I dont have anything to share. Its been almost 6 years since my last relationship. And every dates thereafter were all epic fails. 

So if you happen to read my prev blog, Mr Corporate Guy and I met last saturday and we hang out. And yes, it was an epic fail again. He is partnered. So yeah. Twice in a row that I liked someone who is already committed to someone else. I can't help myself but as him, "why did you do what you did while we were inside my car?" his reply? "I was just tempted"

In my mind, im shouting "dont fucking hold my hand, or be intimate with me if you dont even mean it" Like what the hell? Im never seeing a committed guy again. Ever! I mean, if you are a decent person. Why would you even agree to my invite and not even warn me that you are fucking committed already? 

Who does all those things? Am I that behind in the relationship scheme these days? Its like everyone else is already in an open relationship. 

So long story short. I thought Mr Corporate Guy and I had a little something2 that would take my depression away. Seems like it got even worst. So yeah. I'm officially a man hater. He actually texted me last night, and he got no response from me. I mean, seriously? What do you expect me to do? What a jerk! 

I guess, I'll just wait to die. Its just sad that my parent's assets would just be put to waste. So congratulations to my sister for being the heir of everything that we have. 

I swear I'll never ever see anyone again. This just made it clear that being in social media again for a while was really a waste of time. 

Z

Can you be fucking honest?

In all honesty, I've been dying to know whats wrong with me?

Can someone be so honest to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?

Or what I should be doing? What I should not be doing?

I don't seem to know whats wrong with me. 

I feel like I'm a good person. I feel that im smart. East to talk to. Caring. Loving. Understanding. But why can't some people see that?

Why can't they see all the good in me and just focus on things that I don't have?

It's fucking getting annoying already. I just need to know what is wrong with me so that I can address it. I can fix it. I can change. I can be better. So that someone will even like or at least notice me. Coz I dont fucking know what is wrong with me. 

So I please beg you, answer me. Tell me in all honestly what is wrong before its too late. Before you can no longer see me change. before you can no longer see me alive. Before everything is just too late. 

I swear. I'm never really meeting anyone again. 

Is He worth my time?

I had to admit, I was not really all faithful to my prev post about being back to basics- no social media. 

Well here is my side of it. July 30th was my sister's birthday. I had to activate and send her an obligatory collage greeting. Like everyone else. I know I would make her happy by doing so. 

Yesterday was her simple Debut Party since she doesn't really want to celebrate it at all. I was just the one who convinced her to have a party. LOL. 

So anyway, I cheated. It wasn't no social media at all. There was facebook actually. And i felt bad for it. So now let me share to you what's stopping me in deactivating it back again. '

The time that I deactivated facebook and started using email and sms was the time that I was at peace. Like no kidding. I felt at ease with everything. I dont need to tweet pic everything that is happening. Or i don't need to upload a snap of whats going on with my day and all that. I appreciate the fact that some people literally emailed me. and sent me a viber msg and sms. I guess there are really people reading this blog after all. 

Back to my dilemma of whether I'll use facebook again or not? So you all know what I already transferred hub from Cebu to 6100. People from the hub here are all so accommodating. They were all so nice to me since the day i officially enrolled. Sending me updates and invites to some small group sessions here and there, and some other informative seminars that I have yet to attend. 

So there was this one guy. Whom I find a little attractive. 

Well I don't really know. Since most of the time my head would be looking down and avoiding eye contact with everyone else. As someone might see or even recognize me. But yes, lets name him - Mr. Corporate Guy. He is one of the officers in charge at the hub. I first noticed him last April when Carlos (the guy who is assisting me) introduced me to almost all his colleagues. Again, my head was still down that time. But I had a glimpse of him. He is tall. He looks decent. He looks very corporate-ish with his attire. Something that I consider my weakness.

I went back and fourth a couple of times and saw him each and everytime i go visit the hub. 

He once texted me, supposedly a group message like they always do and I responded like business as usual. 

The last time I visited was around July before I visited Manila. It was weird since Mr Corporate Guy was all accommodating. Or maybe it was just because I was the only person inside the clinic at that time and that he had no choice. But what caught my attention was. He sent me a message after I visited. I told myself that this is weird. Like why would someone from the hub sent me a message, thanking me from dropping by and telling me to take care of myself. I thought he was just being nice. I responded a little flirty and told him that I'm sorry I had to rush since I'm catching my flight that evening. 

After that, it slipped my mind. Until recently when I was making my obligatory collage greeting in my sister's facebook wall. I decided to search his profile and liked one of his picture. I though maybe he won't mind or that he won't respond. But hey? He did. And the rest is kind of history. 

Prior to that we had some exchanges of sms. Nothing serious just some bunch of topics here and there. I had no social media access back then. Until the 30th of July when i had to search him. 

Last saturday, amidst all the birthday party preparation. We decided to meet up. Drove about 30 mins to his place and had coffee beside a bridge. Walked and talked about everything. Shared each other's life stories. 

I had a great time. For some reason. I felt like disconnecting from social media had its own reward. It is meeting real people and talking with them face to face. 

While we were inside my car. Some spark happened. He held my hand and thanked me for my time. 

I guess I already know better. That all these things might just be temporary.  I am not expecting anything more than just a friendly conversation. After all. I don't know him that well. But lets see where this goes. 

From time to time we would still send sms and talk via facebook messanger. And that's the main reason why Im a little hesitant to deactivate my facebook again. Well, I am hoping that this could be the beginning of something nice for me. But then. No expectations. I've learned alot already. 

So tell me what you think? Should I deactivate and let this go? Or is this something worth my time? 

Confused,

Z

Free from Social Media Prison

About a few days ago. I blogged about how insecure i was. And I guess I still am. Its been 2 days since I have not used any of my social media accounts. And to be honest, im having withdrawals. I have been hooked so long that going on with my life without it seems so hard. 

So whats my reason in deactivating all my social media accounts? Both personal and pseudo worlds. 

I want to live. I want to live outside the shadows of the screens that has kept me a prisoner for a while. And to be honest, its hard. you want to know why? Coz everyone else, or almost all are still prisoners to it. Its like im the only one out here in the free world. Waiting for everyone else to finally realize that what we all need is outside those social media trap we were all blinded to. 

Breaking free from those walls im used to was so hard. But I know what I want. And that is to meet real people. To reconnect with old friends the traditional way. Like what ive said before, technology has made it all easy for us to communicate. But right now, it is whats drawing us apart. 

In those 2 days that I have no access to my prison world. I've waited for some people to SMS, or call. or just hang old like the old times. It might be impossible for now. But Im praying that they too will soon realize that the life they are living now is a waste. Life is meant to be experienced. Not meant to just been seen. It is meant to be felt. 

I am not saying that I will forever not use social media. But I think ill go back to it as soon as I learn how to control it. As soon as I figure out a way on how to deal with whats really out there. 

I will continue to blog and give updates to those people who are reading this during their spare time. But to be honest. I want to communicate with them as well. Via Email. So lets talk, just like the old school times. Email me at iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Waiting,

Z

Back to Basics

I deactivated my poz twitter account, my personal facebook, and logged out of my personal instagram and twitter accounts as well. 

I also have a different globe number. 

Should you wish to contact me for important matters. Please reach me via email- iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Or my personal email. (Mycompletename- @yahoo.com) 

Thank you!

Incomplete Feeling.

Everything is falling into place. Everything is slowly going back to the way it was. 

But deep inside. There is still something missing. Its like im not yet whole. And the hole still wont close. 

I travel most of the time to see whats out there. To experience new things. To make new memories. And yes. To meet new people. Or just meet "the one". 

Its getting aburd everytime i think about it. I feel jealous with a lot of people who seems to be happy and complete. I guess after being diagnosed. Ive lost all the confidence there is to be out there and be that eligble bachelor some folks would even notice. I hardly get noticed. I guess thats why i always create drama everytime? I dont know actually. Its a strange feeling. 

Dont get me wrong. I dont want to sound so desperate. Maybe i kind of am right now at some point. But anyway. Thats whats on my mind now while waiting for boarding. 

Some say to love yourself and this and that. Which i obviously am doing. Slowly. And then everything will just follow. I sometimes want to ask people if there is something wrong with me? Like why the hell no one would like me or even get attracted. (You can stop reading, this might get worst) lol

Yes. I sometimes find it so unfair. Why some people easily meet other people. I mean. So easily. Are there any guidelines for that? Or is it just me and my stupid list of high standards? 

Ive always believed in sparks. That thing that you just instantly know that the person is The One. No matter how the person looks. Regardless of how that person scored in my checklist. If the spark is there. Thats just it. 

But ive meet a few people. And there isnt really any spark. Nothing at all. Or is it because its been so long that the feeling of that spark is redefined already? Am i already unable to feel it? Too numb perhaps? I dont know. 

So eer goes a lot of deep thinking if there is really something wrong with me. So if you manage to be reading up until this point. Well congratulations. You survived the mind of someone maybe too desperate to find someone. 

PS. I just need to know. 

-Z

Viral Load

Had my very first viral load earlier today. Got a message late evening last night about a limited and scheduled viral load test in CLMH. Instantly confirmed and booked it since i havent had any viral test before. 

Went there around 9am. Nurse Emman and SIO Arthur were so nice to accomodate me and even waited for me at the lobby of the hospital. 

Privacy is always an issue for me. Since 6100 is a very small city. Like what ive said before. Everyone knows everyone. My heart was pounding very fast all through out. 

Surprisingly. There were only 2 of us who took the viral load test. I guess only 2 of us became interested in really knowing our status. Or if we already became drug resistant to the meds we are taking. 

It was a long wait. Had to go back around 1:30 since the one doing the blood extraction wouldn't be there until that time. So off i go and tried to kill some time. 

Retail theraphy calmed me down. Bought a few things for my get away with some friends this end of July. 

Hoping for a good result. 

-Z

Growing up Tsinoy

              

                       你好!我很荣幸被菲律宾中国

Growing up. I thought every kid has the same upbringing as me. I thought every kid also has to work every saturday. Or that every kid needs to learn how to play a musical instrument. Do endless summer lessons. Or just be born with criticism to be perfect in every aspect of life. 

But I was wrong. Though Philippines is an asian country. Being raised in a Filipino Chinese environment is more Asian-ish. 

Growing up. I learned to save money. To use it for my own wants. Not to ba lavish on everything even if I know that my folks can buy me whatever I want. I learned to work for what i want. Its a process. A never ending process. 

The wisdom from my mom is amazing. She taught me a lot of things in life. Those things that I never learned in school. Although I always find myself complaining about how she treats me until now. Im sure its for my own good. I know that she knows what she is doing. 

My future is already fixed. No matter how hard i try not to live in it. Its already there. 

I wanted a different route. A different career. A different path. But even before i took that first step when i was a baby. My mom already prepared me for something bigger. And better. 

My friends would not understand me why i always turn their invites down. Why i would not really spend a lot of money going out. Or why I need to prioritize the responsibility that was given to me. Sometimes it doesnt really makes sense to me too. But i know its for something greater. 

Most people would not understand why I dont work in a very good company. Or why i quit my Job in Cebu. Most people would still ask me "so what are you doing now, where are you working" well infact they are asking me in the grounds of the business that I am already running. 

I have a lot of things to learn. Its getting overwhelming everyday. 

Who would've thought that a metrosexual like me would end up in farms, haciendas and all the other stuff i know nothing about? 

Yes. I know business per se. But i dont know anything else aside from managing it. 

To be a good entrepreneur. You have to learn EVERYTHING. And when i say everything. Its really everything. 

From the people you work with. To each and every client. To your products. The process. The hows. And the whys. 

Again. I have a lot to learn. But everyday is a learning experience for me and im forever thankful. 

-Z

A Change of Heart

As I was doing my usual routine earlier before going to bed. I came across this picture in my instagram account. 

Since 1975. Our company would always have this annual Christmas Party. All of our employees, their families and everyone working for us would spend the time to celebrate Christmas and just have fun. 

Last Dec 25,2013 however was different. It was on the same month when I was diagnosed with HIV. It was the same month when I suggested to my mom that we do something different. Something that we haven't done ever. And that is to give back to the community. 

Being diagnosed helped me see the bigger picture of Christmas and how meaningful it is to celebrate with other people. 

Instead of a party to ourselves. We decided to throw a party to some kids in the nearby community. It was very amazing! All of our employees took part on this event. From my sister, even my mom and some of my friends at church. 

Last year though, we weren't able to do this activity again since I was in Cebu working and I had no time to prepare and go home for the holidays. 

But this year, as I recall on that moment we made those kids happy. Made me think of doing it again this Christmas since Im already here for good and full time. 

Having been diagnosed with HIV taught me so much. I became a better person. I'm not saying im totally different now. But I can say that it somehow changed my perspective in life. 

I cant remember If i blogged this one already. But anyway. Let me just share some pictures.