I never really learn. Its been days that I've been depressed again. I know it coz all I want to do all day is to sleep and not ever wake up again. There was even a time that I woke up crying my heart out from a very bad dream. All the while i thought sleeping would let me escape reality. But even in my sleep Im being haunted by extreme sadness. And when asked whats bothering me? I don't even know. I can't seem to answer straight. I don't know what is it that I want. I'll try my best to explain.
Last March, I arrived home and decided to stay here for good. I worked so hard to get back in shape. To look good. To feel good. The results were very addicting actually. I've seen a lot of changes, from my scars, from my physique, from my state of mind. I continued doing what i've been doing. Work out 4x a week. Stay away from stress. Travel from time to time. Eat healthy. Meet with friends. Avoid being depressed.
It worked for a while until I realized that no matter what I do, I wouldn't be as good as everyone else around me. I was already in the point that I'm starting to love what im seeing physically. I told myself that I'm looking good. I told myself that there's no way people would not notice me. But I was wrong.
There are still others out there way way, and way better than how i look. There are still gorgeous people around me and being with them makes me feel depressed. Thinking of how much effort I've put just to achieve this. And yet, its not even half as good as them. People still dont notice me. I'm still the below average person among all the crowd.
Yes, I think im an attention seeker. I just grew up with it. I'm so used to having all the attention up until I was diagnosed where I lost all the self esteem in the world.
I think it all boils down to one thing. I guess? Its being single that is bothering me. I don't know whats wrong with me? Is this because of the meds im taking? Or is there something really wrong with me? I want to get well. I want this feeling to go away.
Last time I was in Manila. I met one of my good friend Doc Pao. I knew already that he is with someone (partnered) and I was so eager to know and see this guy. And we did. He was decent, good looking. I began to feel bad about myself. And started to ask, Why can't I experience that? Why can't I be noticed by someone? Its so unfair. Those were the things running in my mind. Don't get me wrong. Im happy for the both of them. But at the same time, I felt sorry for myself.
There was even a time when my friends would talk about certain people they dated, or they've met along the way. And I just sit there listen to their fascinating stories. About their exs, their dates, everything. I dont have anything to share. Its been almost 6 years since my last relationship. And every dates thereafter were all epic fails.
So if you happen to read my prev blog, Mr Corporate Guy and I met last saturday and we hang out. And yes, it was an epic fail again. He is partnered. So yeah. Twice in a row that I liked someone who is already committed to someone else. I can't help myself but as him, "why did you do what you did while we were inside my car?" his reply? "I was just tempted"
In my mind, im shouting "dont fucking hold my hand, or be intimate with me if you dont even mean it" Like what the hell? Im never seeing a committed guy again. Ever! I mean, if you are a decent person. Why would you even agree to my invite and not even warn me that you are fucking committed already?
Who does all those things? Am I that behind in the relationship scheme these days? Its like everyone else is already in an open relationship.
So long story short. I thought Mr Corporate Guy and I had a little something2 that would take my depression away. Seems like it got even worst. So yeah. I'm officially a man hater. He actually texted me last night, and he got no response from me. I mean, seriously? What do you expect me to do? What a jerk!
I guess, I'll just wait to die. Its just sad that my parent's assets would just be put to waste. So congratulations to my sister for being the heir of everything that we have.
I swear I'll never ever see anyone again. This just made it clear that being in social media again for a while was really a waste of time.
Z
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