A new chapter in a few hours

In a few hours. I will start another chapter of my life yet. Another fresh new start. A new adventure awaits after few years of being away from home. 

Im now sitting in the stairs of the fire exit of the building I lived for 3 years. 

Its been one hell of a trip. Its been a hell of an adventure. A lot has indeed happened since then. But I know everything will be okay. Like I always say "no way but up". 

I didn't expect to be a little emotional leaving Cebu. The place where I was reborn. The place where I thought I would discover myself. Well, I guess I finally did. 

Leaving home before, I told myself I just needed some time to figure out what I really want to do with my life. And my time now is up. So has the question been answered? I guess so. Its not really clear. But i know are getting there. 

In a few hours. I'll be leaving. Ready to face another chapter. A new challenge awaits. And I know God has made me stronger than ever. 

So until the next adventure. Goodbye Cebu. Till we meet again. 

- Z

Health Update March 9, 2015

So last wednesday. Aside from my trip to the hospital. I got my CD4 results. From 602 (dec 2013) 345 (june 2014). And now im slowly going up. Current one is 361- as of Feb 2015. This was supposed to be taken last dec 2014. But if you were following my blog. You should know by now that DOH didnt provide any schedule of cd4 for the past few months. 

Its something to be thankful for. After all. Everyday is a reason to be thankful. 

But everyday is not easy. I went to hysterical again with all the drama in the world for the past few days. I could not take that back. Things happen. Shit has been said. Actions were done already. So if you ask me? I dont know WHY im always being an oxymoron about everything thats going on. 

I guess its one of those days where i woke up in the wrong side of bed. It was terrible. 

I still feel bad about it. For the things i said. For the things i did. But its up to them to widen their horizon of so called understanding a dying person. 

I call myself a brat. Everything always has to be ME. Im becoming this egocentric and egoistic person i used to dread before. And i dont like it. 

I have tried to keep all the anger. To just keep silent about it. Thinking that if I do it that way. I would be classy. I would look mature in handling things. But i was wrong. The anger ive been keeping for a while just errupted in just a snap. Just like that. Its not healthy. 

I need to find a way to chanel my anger, my frustration, my depression. I need to have an activity where I can all let it all out when i needed to. Boxing? Yoga? I dont know. But hopefully being busy with the family business real soon will keep me out of another drama yet. 

Another thing that bothers me aside from my allergies are my vision. Its getting worst. I dont know. Maybe i will really need to have this checked. Its getting blurry everyday. 

I once borrowed my officemates glasses and tried it. And for some reason. Everything was crystal clear. It was the moment i self diagnosed and told myself that I needed to get checked and get glasses real soon. 

My allergies are slowly and inconsistently going away. (In my arms at least). But i noticed it went back in my face just a few days ago. Still monitoring it for a few days since it might just be the stress thats causing it. 

I know its gross. But this post would not be really an update if ill just be faking everything up. 

So the picture above shows some little progress compared to the blog i posted with my arms picture a few months back. 

Im not sure if you can tell but most part of my arms are only scars from previous allergy visitors that decided to stay and camp for a little while. 

But my face is a little swollen with allergies now. Again. Maybe im just a little stress with all the drama for the past few days. 

So I guess thats all for now. 

And yes. Sadly. Im still alive to date. 

- Z

And you even call yourself my "friend" shame on you!

I haven't updated anyone in social media about this. Both pseudo and real accounts. Im still not posting anything. Not informing anyone about whats going on. Its been 4 days and counting. 

I guess it only shows how I don't exist to my "friends". Yes. You read it right. And i did not mistyped the quotation i placed in the word FRIENDS. 

Do they just depend on updates from me via twitter/facebook/instagram? Do I always have to be the one to tell them "hey, im sick. Hey, im dying. Hey, im in the hospital. Hey, i almost died". 

When will be the time when I can get a message from them saying "How are you?" "Im praying for you" "I hope youre doing good". 

Often times. I would tweet or message them in viber. Randomly asking them how they are. Or just simply saying "Good Morning". I guess its my way of telling them "hey im still alive. Fightig. As you all want me to do. As you all wanted me to be in."  

I don't know if they even notice that I was not able to tweet for 4 days now. Which is obviously a little strange to think that im a twitter and a social media junkie. Cyber world is my outlet. I don't know if they even notice my absence. 

None of them really CARED to send me a message. Well. There was one. Who happens to be a very good friend of mine. K---y asked me how my cd4 was. And i was only able to reply earlier today. 

So out of many "FRIENDS" I have. Only one cared to ask my results. Only one even remebered. 

I guess I will just increase the volume of my IV. 

And even if I die today. They still would not know. Unless of course someone woud just post RIP in my facebook wall. How pathetic! 

I guess i dont really have genuine people that REALLY cares. I guess they only care because I want them too. I guess Im that of a controller. I control people how to act and how to respond to my signs. 

I will continue to update my blog. Since no one is reading this anyway. Or if you are reading this now. I may be dead already. 

Lets see if there are people who will even send me a message after I post this. 

If dying or being in a critical condition doesnt even matter to them. Then so be it. I dont know if I even have friends to call after I get out of this place. 

I have become so desparate with their concern, care and understanding. I have become a burden to them already. I will learn how to move on by myself. 

I dont know if i can still trust people anymore. I dont know if I can still be the same person again. 

I almost died. And no one knows. Lets keep it that way shall we? 

- Z

The Life I am Living

Woke up half past 3 in the morning. I guess I was just to anxious about my CD4 test a few hours from now. Decided to get a good meal in IT park. Walked home afterwards. 

As I walk home. I realized that 2 weeks from now. I wouldnt be able to experience this kind of lifestyle again. 

I would be home in 2 weeks time. And this time- for good. I dont know what to expect. Its been a while since I setteled home for good. Its been 8 years. After Highschool. I was already living alone. Well. Sort of. I go home from time to time. But not for good. Only for the weekends or so. 

While walking. I realized how life is still amazing despite of every struggle in between. Being alone allows me to think and reflect on God's word. Thats why I always want to be alone. I feel very peaceful with just me and my God. 

Earlier today. I called my cousin in law back home. Had a great small talk with him. Glad to hear that everyone back home is doing good. Was initially planning to talk to my cousin about preparations with medical stuff in transfering home. But she was busy. 

Thinking about people back home makes me anxious as well. A lot of responsibility awaits me there. 

My mom doesnt know about my situation. And she expects me to run the family business when i get home. Its a huge responsibility i have to fill in. Its a stressful thing to do. But I guess sometimes in life. You just have to suck it all in for the sake of family. 

Im expected to do good. Im expected to perform well. Im expected with a lot of things. And i dont know if i will be able to do good with whats expected from me. 

With everything that is going on. With every depression. With every fight for my life. With everyday side effects i have to experience while taking arvs. And so much in between. I dont know if i can. But God tells me i can with Him by my side. 

I guess He lets us be in a helpless situation at times that way we may know how He powerful He is. 

Im always thankful for the ability to share my thoughts. Not perfect. Not surperb. But its something I have to just do. Coz I know someday. People would no longer hear me. See me. Or even know whats on my mind. Sooner or later. I would no longer be here. But my thoughts at this very moment will remain to those who wants to hear me again. 

Whatever the result of my cd4 is. I guess it doesnt really matter. Coz I know that right now. I am starting to really live my life. Not everyone can really be in a stage where they appreciate life to the fullest. 

I may not have a lot of things or experience a lot of things while im living. But one thing i know is for sure. I have lived my life the way God wants me to. 

Appreciative. Humbled. Thankful. 

 

-Z

When Questions are Answered -- my first solo travel.

Went to Bantayan Island in the Northern part of Cebu last weekend alone. Until something amazing happened. 

I travel alot. I would normally travel alone and just meet up with friends in the area. But this time. I decided to really be alone. The entire trip. Something I havent done. 

Just thinking about the experience makes me want to burst out in tears. God is so amazing. The feeling is priceless. I feel very blessed despite of everything im going through right now. I feel that when you are in a place of solitude, you can then realize that there are thousand other things to really be thankful for. 

Started my trip with a good 4 hours trip from Cebu City to Hagnaya Port. 

A/C bus is only for 160php. 

I was able to sit beside this good fellow. Probably in his 30's who just arrived from Manila and visiting his wife and 4 month old baby in the town of Hagnaya. He met his wife in Bantayan while he was doing apprentice ship in one of the shipping lines few years ago. He was amazed that Im all by myself. 

Arrived around past 1pm in Hagnaya Port and it took another good hour of boat ride to the beautiful island of Bantayan. 

For only 185php plus 10php terminal fee. I opted to stay in the a/c room. And i was the lone passenger in the cabin. I guess people prefer to stay in the open overlooking the sea. 

I started to use my monopod and started taking pictures of myself. Well. The struggle is real when traveling alone. You just cant get a good picture everytime. Haha. On the way there. Played my song for the weekend - Love me like you do by ellie goulding. Took pictures and updated my twitter, iG, swarmp. 

The only thing i did prior to going to the island was to make a resort reservation at Anika Beach Resort. The newest in the island. And i was very very impressed by their service and everything in between. Was picked up by the resort service upon arriving in Sta Fe Pier and headed straight to the resort for check in. 

Reality started to kick in as I waited for one group of 3 people who were also booked in the same resort. After they arrived. We headed to the resort which isnt that far. About 5mins from the port. 

Immediately, right after check in. I decided to go by the beach and took some photos. Called some friends and shared my first few hours of experience so far. The place is a paradise. Not a lot of people like in Boracay or even Bohol and Palawan. It was very peaceful. 

While I was at the beach. I started to check my @zach_poz twitter account. 

And ive noticed something intersting. One of my twitter friend/follower - Geno (non poz) (doctor) was in island as well. So i checked his twitter feed and stalked his iG. And to my surprise. We were both in the same boat, picked up by the same van, and checked in the same resort. What are the odds? We were just talking in twitter a few days ago about volleyball and now we were in the same island. 

I didnt really recognize him while i was waiting for him along with his two other friends (partners) in the port before heading to the resort. 

So i messaged him and told him im the loner guy they were with in the van earlier. 

It was very unexpected. 

As i walked along the beach. I was amazed by how the locals live. It was very laid back. It was very simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. But i can say they are happy. Kids started to wave at me from a far as I continue to walk in the sea shore. 

After my stroll along the beach alone. Went to my room and took a 30mins nap. 

The room I got was just a small one. 1,500php. But it was very worth it. With all the basic amenities. Clean bath, shower and very very comfy pillow. 

The rooms are actually made of container cargo trucks. It was amazing. 

And its only a few steps away from the beach. 

While having dinner. I guess people from the resort would usually see couples or group of friends staying there thats why they would usually be amazed that Im just alone traveling. Had a good dinner. Prices were okay. Not bad. And they have big servings. Something that made me and my tummy very happy. 

After dinner. I took a pedicab and went to Sta Fe Market. Where the pubs and other restos are located. Tried this itallian pasta in Cafe Del Mare. And had a few shots and went back to the resort around past 9:30. 

Not really getting used to sleeping that early and the silence is very deafing. 

Geno and I finally met around past 10pm while I was in the beach listening to the waves. Had a few conversation about how weird it is to finally see eachother while not really planning for it. After a few chitchats. We called it a night. 

The morning after was just amazing. Had a good and heavy breakfast as always. Since im really a breakfast person. And started to ask myself what to do and where to go the entire trip. 

Geno and his two couple friends were so nice that they even invited me over for island hopping to Virgin Island. 

Something that I really want but since Im alone. I put and "X" to it in my things to since coz itll cost me more $$$ going there alone. 

There was a lot of hesitation if ill go with them or not. #1. I dont really know his friends. #2. I just met him last night. #3 im not good with meeting new people. Im not very sociable after being diagnosed. I just somehow lost all the self confidence right after. #4,5,6. The reasons are endless. 

But I decided to tag along. Virgin Island is just so hard to say NO to. Again. I dont know what to expect. 

But things went okay. They were all so nice. Very friendly. 

I really went out of my way in dealing with things i havent done in a long time. And it all started by deciding to go with a bunch of strangers. Something that I havent really done. 

Played beach volleyball. Went snorkling. Went swimming. Stayed and jumped from here : 

And i ended up having this: 

But everything that day was all worth it. No regrets. 

God is just amazing how He would just show and introduce you to people that would make your trip worth while. His timing was very perfect. Everything just fell into place. I went to the island alone not knowing what to expect. And returned home very blessed and fullfilled. 

Im amazed how God uses people to give you life lessons you will forever be thankful for. 

"Life starts at the end of your comfort zone" a quote from one of Geno's friends. 

Now, looking back to the place where I was after being so miserable living a life with HiV. I would not have experienced all these If i chose to end my life during those wicked days of my life. I would not have realized that life is indeed more than sickness and problems. That life is beautiful, amazing, full of surprises. That no matter how bad your situation is now, it will soon pass. It will soon come to an end. 

As I write about this experience. I cant help but cry. Ive cried since earlier while leaving the island. I cry not because im sad. But because im very overwhelmd by so many things right now. 

Thank you Lord. For letting me live and experience life like I have never experienced before. 

My battle with HIV is not over. But at least now i know that I can surpass everything. I know that Ive come a long way. Stronger than ever. Im a changed person. I learned to finally live by the time life itself  placed a deadline in me. 

Im inspired by E and M. Geno's friends. They look very good together. I may not find that kind of relationship. But at least Im very much thankful that other people did. And for that im very grateful. Its a different feeling being happy for other people than being happy for yourself. 

I'll continue to breathe again. I'll strive to learn everyday and continue to be amazed by God's wonderful creation. 

Thank You! More solo travels coming right up. 

- Z

Death wish

I dont want to regret not planning my own funeral before i finally pass away. I know i may sound too off on this one. But at least, if i die. Hoping that it wont be anytime soon. My family and friends would already know what I really want to happen. Its being realistic. 

If that day comes. I want to be cremated. Simply because im just too claustrophobic to be inside a coffin and I know make up of dead people isnt really the nicest thing in the world. Plus. I dont want people to see me there inside the coffin dead. So i want to be cremated. Surrounded by lots and lots of flowers. White flowers. In beautiful arrangements. Surrounded by my portraits. Pictures. Selfies. A lot of it. I want to fill the plaxe with a lot of happy memories. I dont want my wake to be full of sadness like any other wake. I want to be remembered as someone who is happy and strong. I dont want to see negative pictures of me. I want pictures of me and my family being placed in all corners of the room. 

I want ny thoughts to be in the place. During my wake. I want quotes coming from my twitter or my blog. Those that really comes from me. I want to be remembered by my thoughts. I think its one of my most prized possession. To be able to express my thoughts in a way that i inspire a few people here and there. 

I want to have a lot of testimonies from good friends every service. I want to be remembered with a lot of good memories. So i want my wake to be full of good memories. Photos all over. Video clips all over. Prized possessions all over. 

I want to be placed in either a granite or dark colored marble vase. On the day of my last wake. I want everyone to wear white with black ribbons in their right arm. I want to have flying ballons as a sign of me finally going to heaven on the last day. 

I want to deliver this message to everyone in my wake:

"I know by now, i am already gone. And i thank you all for being here. And for being part of my life. I may not mention each one of you. But you know who you are. I know in one way or another, we have shared something special that bought you here. And to that Im deeply grateful. Not everyone can finally prepare their own wake. But me. As you all know it, plans everything ahead. And i dont want to miss planning my own funeral. I want to thank each and everyone of you here. I will surely miss you. But life goes on. Just because im gone physically it doesnt mean im completely gone. I will always be with you and you will always be a part of who i am. I made this message simply because I want you all to remember that at this very moment. Even if i am gone. I am thinking of each one of you. Its time to let go and its time to move on. Thank you for making me who i am until the very end of my short life. Thank you for letting me experience what its like to live with such amazing people. I thank God for letting me know you all. I am in a very peaceful place know. I know we will miss each other but this is not the end. Live your life to the fullest. We will see each other again soon. Farewell."  

I hope this is not too much to ask for those people left behind. If you are reading this. And I might already be gone. Please make this last request of mine happen. 

-Z

❤️'s Day

No. This is not me. Just so you know before you even start reading. 

So today is the 14th of Feb. On a saturday. All i can do is check Viber, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. And all im seeing are posts about Valentines Day. 

What exactly are my thoughts? 

I paused for a while. And started to really think deep. 

Do I feel bitter? Do I feel lonely? Do I feel alone? To be honest. I dont know what the answer is. Its been a while since I last celebrated Valentine's Day. Maybe I wont really get a chance to celebrate it at all. 

I remember my Manager asked me yesterday, so whats your plan tomorrow? I looked at him very clueless. He just smiled and said--- its Valentines. I gave a sigh of relief (or was it?) it simply slipped my mind. I never really thought of it until going home lat at night yesterday seeing almost everyone bringing something for their special someone. 

2008. I think that was the last time I had a date on Valentine's Day. A date would mean --- going out on a dinner. Wearing something nice. Spening time with someone special. Its been 7 years. Ive been numb on what to really feel on a special night/day. 

I feel happy for my friends. I feel happy that they are happy. I guess thats how I celebrate Valentine's day ever since. I smile thinking that they are having the time of their lives. Something that I would never experience. Something that I could only dream of. Something that I would only see in pictures, movies, hear from stories. Something that would always be a dream that wont turn into reality. 

You can't get everything you want. Thats a sad reality that we all live by. But you can turn things up and make it worth while. 

I called home and had a little conversation with my mom. Told her how much I love her. Sent a few messages to close friends. And again, endless deep thoughts. 

Seeing them happy gives me a different kind of happiness. I thank God for making them happy. I thank God for making me feel that kind of happiness. 

I thank God for our ability to dream and imagine. Sometimes thats the only way I can be happy. My thoughts are my own. I can create a story with a very happy ending. I am the actor, i can choose all the cast, i am the director. I control how it will start, how it will end. 

I hope I can also do that in reality. 

I hope. 

-Z