Woke up half past 3 in the morning. I guess I was just to anxious about my CD4 test a few hours from now. Decided to get a good meal in IT park. Walked home afterwards.
As I walk home. I realized that 2 weeks from now. I wouldnt be able to experience this kind of lifestyle again.
I would be home in 2 weeks time. And this time- for good. I dont know what to expect. Its been a while since I setteled home for good. Its been 8 years. After Highschool. I was already living alone. Well. Sort of. I go home from time to time. But not for good. Only for the weekends or so.
While walking. I realized how life is still amazing despite of every struggle in between. Being alone allows me to think and reflect on God's word. Thats why I always want to be alone. I feel very peaceful with just me and my God.
Earlier today. I called my cousin in law back home. Had a great small talk with him. Glad to hear that everyone back home is doing good. Was initially planning to talk to my cousin about preparations with medical stuff in transfering home. But she was busy.
Thinking about people back home makes me anxious as well. A lot of responsibility awaits me there.
My mom doesnt know about my situation. And she expects me to run the family business when i get home. Its a huge responsibility i have to fill in. Its a stressful thing to do. But I guess sometimes in life. You just have to suck it all in for the sake of family.
Im expected to do good. Im expected to perform well. Im expected with a lot of things. And i dont know if i will be able to do good with whats expected from me.
With everything that is going on. With every depression. With every fight for my life. With everyday side effects i have to experience while taking arvs. And so much in between. I dont know if i can. But God tells me i can with Him by my side.
I guess He lets us be in a helpless situation at times that way we may know how He powerful He is.
Im always thankful for the ability to share my thoughts. Not perfect. Not surperb. But its something I have to just do. Coz I know someday. People would no longer hear me. See me. Or even know whats on my mind. Sooner or later. I would no longer be here. But my thoughts at this very moment will remain to those who wants to hear me again.
Whatever the result of my cd4 is. I guess it doesnt really matter. Coz I know that right now. I am starting to really live my life. Not everyone can really be in a stage where they appreciate life to the fullest.
I may not have a lot of things or experience a lot of things while im living. But one thing i know is for sure. I have lived my life the way God wants me to.
Appreciative. Humbled. Thankful.
-Z
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