Day 1 with Treatment

So after getting my 2nd cd4 results last week. My ID doctor decided to enroll me in taking arvs. From 602 last december. In just 6 months it went down to 345. I couldnt figure the numbers at first. I was expecting it to be lower than the previous count. But not as low as this. And then it caught me. All those anti histamine. All those depression stage. Those might have been the reason why it dropped drastically. And my numbers are correct. Theoretically. I only have 6 months more or so. Given the same lifestyle same state of mind.

I went on wandering about my condition again. As i always do. I have always been alone in fighting for my condition. My family doesnt know it yet. And i dont know how to tell then given some family business problems we are having as well. I dont want to add anything to that.

I am taking lami/zido and efav. Completed 1 day already. And it feels like hell. This time though Hell in the physical stage. Which i think im taking a little bit okay. Its the efav that is making me really worry. That feeling of getting high. Feeling of everything spinning. Everything in slow motion. Feeling of getting really hot. Those were just some of the unexplainable feeling efav can give you. Not to mention the vivid dreams as well. Thinking that i will be experiencing them again in a few hours makes me want to cry already. But i know i have to be strong.

I think i can handle the physical discomfort of taking treatment. But thinking that i am with this alone is what makes me sad. It what makes me really feel sorry for myself. True. A lot of phone calls from close friends checking on you. But nothing really beats a phonecall from your family. Nothing really beats the physical connection. Its something ive been longing for quite a while now.

Taking arvs require great adherance to the pills. I should take them EXACTLY 9AM - 12NN -9PM. not a minute late or anything.  Its one hell of an adjustment. But im doing just fine on my own. I just dont know until when will i be okay with this.

I will be taking these drugs for the rest of my life until someone already find a cure.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Depression kills

Today. June 21, 2014. Im in the thought of taking my life already.

The only reason why i keep on fighting for my life is because of work. Coz i WAS good at it. I excelled at work. But now its going down. Everything is a blurr. I dont have the reason to live anymore.

Whats the easiest way to die? I want to end my life.

posted from Bloggeroid

That much needed vacation

I just got back from vacation. It was one hell of a trip. I was with my college friends. 7 day vacation with them was just not enough. Just so many things to catch up with. It was one of the most memorable things that happened to me this year. I needed that break to somehow get out of my depression stage. And i helped a lot. Seeing friends after a few years was all worth it.

My plans of telling them about my status didnt happen though. I dont know. Maybe it was all too fun for something so sad.

No regrets though. Id rather cherish those happy moments with them even just for a while.

Now im back to reality. Back to contemplating about whats next. For the past months. Ive been dreaming about that get together with college friends. But now. I dont know what to look forward to. Its like that scene in Tangled. Where she was so eager to see the lanterns lit up. Yet so anxious whats gonna happen next. I guess i just have to create something to look forward to.

My cd4 test will be a week from now. For some reason. I want to start taking meds already. My immune system is just too fragile without any medications. My allergies are non stop. Its causing me so much insecurities. It lowers down my self worth. My self esteem. Its like everyone else is so good looking. So flawless. So above me. I just cant find the strenght to tell myself that everything will be okay

Im scared that one day. I'll just stop and i wont be able to find a reason to live anymore. For now. Im getting along just fine. I can still manage to tap my back and tell myself that its okay. But until when will i be doing this? I cant stay like this forever.

I just wish that other people know how blessed they are.

I cant undo everything that happened in my life. But i know i can make it right. I know i can still make it worth while. I just dont know how and why. Why? --- why would i still make it worth while? Coz if you remove me in the earth's picture everything would still be the same anyways. Its not like im a big impact to anyone or someone. Its not like if i die. Someones life will be messed up or anything. Well. Maybe for a few days. But not for long.

I am breathing but im not living. Its something very depressing.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

I decided to end the 3-month existence of my pseudo twitter account @zach_poz for some reason.

I feel that its for the best. I realized i started being depressed since I started that twitter account. Since i became too involved with my pseudo world. I became too preoccupied with my sick self. And almost forgot the real world even exist.

In that world full of secrets. We post hidden pictures. We post too little of ourselves so as not to reveal our REAL identity. We only show what we want other people to see. And i know that its for the protection of my fellow PLHIV. But i find it odd. Why stick to that world where the REAL world awaits for me to move on. Yes. I might be doing well in that world full of hidden identities but have i moved on with in the real life? Have i moved on outside twitter world?

Having those random people was fun. I was able to find really good friends. But it has to end there. All they know is im Zach. And i want zach not to exist any longer. If i havent met you personally. Then you no longer exist in my world. And i dont have plans of knowing you.

It might sound rude. But im doing this for my own good. Not being selfish. But being true.

Often times. I get pressured and depressed reading twitter timeline. Its like you are in a CLAN. or a little hidden community. There are popular people. Good looking people. Cool people. And i cant find myself in any group within that little community we often call support group. I became too self conscious. I wanted to belong. I wanted them to notice me. I wanted to show off. I wanted to be popular just like them but i cant. There are always be someone more popular than you. More good looking than you. More cooleeeerrr than you.

I know life is not all about that. But in tjat world i lived in for 3 months. It all boils down to that. If you havent met the majority of the group. Then you are just some random pozzie guy around. You have to make yourself stand out always.

I dont know. I guess im not in the right state of mind now. But allow me to make mistakes. That i should learn. Im making this decision with a careful thought. I might be doing the right thing. I might not. But for now. Its time to get back to the real world.

I have to face what it feels like out there. Outside the twitter world ive lived with for 3 months.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

The Bachelor Life

I woke up so early to check my payslip. Trying to budget everything for my Vigan-Ilocos trip 2 weeks from now. Funds transfer here and there to pay for everything ahead of time. Its just me being obsessive compulsive. I cant help it. I overthink everything. I even became overbored and tried to search for restaurant menu. In my mind errr goes a lot of things. Like in my mind i already pre ordered breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know exactly where to eat. What to order. And how much to pay after. I duno. Thats how OC i am. Lol.

As i was doing my research on new restos in the metro. I came upon the facebook profile of my nephew back home. I came to realize how much laid back home is. How simple it was living back then. No fancy food. No extravagant travels. No pressure of #ootds. Yet i was happy. I dont have to live payday after payday. I dont have to stress my butt out to work.

I guess i just miss how it feels like to be home. No pressure on everything.

What i have now is the ultimate dream i had years back. Living the bachelor life. Although my condition is a little bit pain in my finances since i have to sacrifice a lot of pleasurable things to support my medication. Nevertheless, i still manage to surpass it all. Its just a matter of good financial management. Thats where being Oc is helpful.

If i was home. I couldnt care less about vacation. I couldnt care less about where i eat. About what pictures i post in instagram. About fancy places to go. Its because people around me is so simple. And i get to be influenced by them.

It all make sense to me now. The people around me now are so sofisticsated that im also trying to be at par with them. The being competitive in me tells myself that if he has it. I should have it as well.

I always let everything as they seem. But its the choices that make them look everything. A few months from now. I'll be heading home. So until then. I just have to keep up with the people around me.

Im still not over depression. A lot of times I still cry myself to sleep. Its never ending.


-zach

posted from Bloggeroid

That Ugly Feeling

After a series of self help from friends, books, music. It all boils down to one thing. Theres no one that could tap my shoulders better than myself. This may sound egoistic/egocentric. But in reality, you are the only person who can make yourself calm. Who can make youself feel good. And i think i am trying to get the hang of it everyday.

Often times, when i feel so low about myself. I try to find things that are still good about me. Little as they are, those things are the ones that is keeping me going.

Well, if you ask me right now? I feel very ugly. I feel that i dont really look good. I dont have any self esteem. I think feeling this way everyday for the rest of my life is just one of the few 'perks' of having HIV. But all i need to do is just to asure myself otherwise. That i look good. I have something to show other people. That i feel good about myself. Its like i have to tell myself a lie everyday. I have to make myself believe of the opposite.

Yes. It works for now. But how long will it work?

I want to just isolate myself from meeting other people. For meeting new friends. Coz i feel so ugly. I envy them so much.

Truth is. I miss how i look before. I miss the feeling of feeling good. The REAL feeling of feeling good. Not just a make believe kind of thing.

I know what I should think. But again and again and again. Its not that easy. Its a mental battle that I have to win everyday for the rest of my life.

I am tired of fighting for it.

UGLY. THIN. REJECTED. NOT NOTICED. DISGUSTED.

I wanna be invinsible for the rest of my life. :(

What Keeps Me Busy Aside from Work

Its been one hell of a week lately. So much work load added. But thanks to one of my twitter friends who shared some good thoughts that I will about to share in a few.

Been hooked with keeping control of my thouhts and mind lately. I needed a booze of zen. A whole lot of it actually. My mind tends to over analyze because of work. And it affects my everyday thinking as well. Anyhow. Ive been reading "the secret" ive watched it as well. And its helping me control my thoughts.

Ive learned to value the law of attraction. Needless to say. Ive been using and been reaping the prize of it since then little did i know.

Here how it works. Your mind and everything that happening with you is because of the frequency of your thought. Its like whatever youre thinking sends signals to the universe and the universe in return will follow what you are thinking and thus creates your life. Or creates what is happening around you.

Your thoughts are so powerful that you need to be aware of its capabilities. Once you master your thoughts. Everything will follow. You can be what you want. Thats how powerful it is.

How its real? Aright. Imma tell you something that proves its existence.

When i was in highschool. Ive always imagined myself working in the corporate world. Traveling from one place to another. And vividly i would imagine myself sitting in airports. Having plane rides alone. Ive thought of it everyday. Dreamt of it. By doing that. My mind is on auto pilot. Sending that kind of vibe to the world. And in return. The world responds to it find its way on how to make it in reality.

Think of it. And it will come true. Just read the book. Or search it in youtube. Its all in there. It really helped me get through with my depression lately. Its a work in process. Baby steps as they say. But i know we're getting there.

So the other one. Ive been hooked with lookbook.nu. hahaha nothing much about it. Its worth sharing. Im starting to love myself.

I dont want to delete my previous blog. It will just show how HUMAN i am. Having mood swings from now and then.



-zach