Recalling the last time I was home for a long time was during highschool. After highschool. I went to a boarding school for college and stayed in a dormitory for 4 years. Post college life was only about 4 months then I started working in the corporate world about an hour away from home. So ill be mostly home on the weekends for about 7 months. Right after ny first job. I was a bum for another 5 months and finally moved here in Cebu.
Its been 3 years. A lot has changed. And going back home for good this time has a lot of uncertainty. Has a lot of gitters.
I dont know how people would react seeing how sickly i have become sinxe they last saw me. About 3 years ago or so. I dont know what stories will soon circulate. What to expect basically.
The change in me physically is what bothers me the most. The scars. The allergies. The very much rapid and obvious, one of a kind weight loss only a dumb person would fail to notice.
My folks back home still dont have any idea about me being HIV positive. I just dont know how to tell them. They just have a lot of expectations from me. I guess being here in Cebu was a bit of a rebound. Since I can just hide. But i cant hide forever. I will soon have to face reality and old time friends and acquaintances back home.
Going home this march. I have to face the reality that one of my cousins from the US will go home for some family memeber's highschool graduation including that of my sisters. And being in the medical field for so long. I dont know how to hide all my scars. I dont know what alibi to tell him. I just dont know.
I started the year being strong. But sometimes. When you talk about family, its when reality starts to kick in. Its when everything seems to fall apart. For some, their families are their very own support system. But for me, its my closest friends. I have never really felt any support coming from my cousin or cousin in law since last year. I have never really felt the concern. I have never really felt the feeling of belongingness.
Going back home means all business for my mom. She expects me to perform and finally take over the family business and i have to live with that expectation. I have to leave it all behind. Leave all the worries. Leave all the anxienty about my health. I just have to take a good grip of reality and just be strong as ever. I know i can. After going through a lot already. I feel that i have come a long way.
Others may not see what i have become. But thats not important. I choose to live my life. I am the one making choices accdg to what God wants me to do. Its all upto Him. His will be done always.
I will soon die. Its a fact i cannot escape. But I am living my life to the fullest everyday.
-Z
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