Do You Want to get Well?

I havent posted something for quite a while. So let me just sum up random thing that happened

About 2 weeks ago. I had to see a dermatologist recomended by dra Chua (my id doc) if ever my allergies wont go away after treating me with Zykast for 14 days. I noticed it started to show up again the moment i finished taking anti histamine. 

I am now seeing Dra Eve Ramos from cebu doctors. So far my seb derm did went away. But the next story youre about to read will be about faith and trust. 

It was exactly 2 weeks ago when the last series of the service at church was presented. It was all about healing. I was teary eyed the entire service. 2 of my church mentors were all along with me as we listened to the service. The scripture is found in John 5:1-17. 

The service ended with a challenge of faith, trust and prayer. I dont know where i got the courage to go to the front along with other church members asking God to heal me. 

2 of my church mentors prayed for me. As well as one church pastor. It was a very humbling experience. I could not explain how it felt. 

Indeed. Nothing is too small for my God. Nothing is impossible with Him when he said to the man "Get up, take your mat and walk" 

Miracles do happen these days. And im a living proof of it. I could have already died way back 2012 when i was diagnosed with pneumonia. I could have already got a very low cd4 count after a wild lifestyle prior to being diagnosed. But no. God loves me so much that all His plans are perfect. 

I woke up the morning after seeing that my seb derm was gone. Not a trace of it. I could not explain how it happened. It might have been because of the meds. But more than that. Its because i trusted God. I had a faith to believe to stand up and claim healing in Jesus' name. 

How about you? Do you want to get well?

What Should I do?

There are a lot of advocates around. Here and there. Some upfront. Others using pseudonames/identity. 

How about you. Reactive or not. What is your stand to this ongoing Virus that is out there ready to ruin people's lives. What can you do to help? 

I've asked the same question just now. Seen some groups distributing condoms and lubricants to establishments (ie bars, salon, spas). Even saw some free condoms in rest rooms. (http://pozziepinoy.blogspot.com/2014/03/partnering-with-doh.html?spref=tw&m=1)

And it gets me thinking. Are we doing the right advocacy? Forgive me if I may sound offensive. This is my personal perspective of it. Its like we are trying to promote pre-martial sex in a way. Providing free condoms would attract young people in engaging into something they're not yet supposed to do. I know and believe that the intention is clear- that is to have zero cases of HIV. 

But arent we supposed to go back to basics. And start educating young people about the risk of pre-marital sex rather than saying "be safe". I think what we should do is to present all the risk factors as to why they should NOT engage with that activity. 

I know its easier said than done. It takes a lot of effort in doing so. 

As I ponder on this. It gets me thinking. What does the church have to say with everything happening to the PLHIV community? I feel guilty since I feel that Im not doing my part in keeping everyone informed about HIV. But i know ill get there in time. 

I just hope and pray that the fear and stigma with PLHIV will soon pass. I pray that my Church will have its say about this as well. I hope that God will enlighten us with the right way of preventing HIV from spreading. 

We always stand firm on what we believe is the right thing to do. But have we asked ourselves? What would HE do? 

What would Jesus Do? 

Disclaimer: I am not against the project being done by certain individuals about the free condom thing. I support it 100%. I just pray that we should also accompany it with proper learning about pre-marital sex. 

-Zach

Missing Home

Its been about 3 months. The last time i was home. And the time i found out I was positive for HIV. I still cannot believe how things can change so fast. How everything seems to just fade away just like that. How fast i see myself slowly dripping away from my normal physical appearance. Ironic as it may sound. 

I've been thankful that I dont have any serious OIs (opportunistic infections) since in most HIV cases a lot is expected if not properly rested and healthy lifestyle is not observed. I thank God for always sustaining me every single day. 

I cant help but think of whats going to happen the next day. The day after next. Next week. Next month. The years to come. I remeber having this crazy thought before around 5 years ago. That i cannot imagine myself beyond 27 years old. I can only see myself being stable by the time i am 27. But imagining myself beyond that seems to be impossible back then. It gets me thinking. Maybe God has already planned and prepared my mind for this. That i may not be able to have a very long life. Although I would still want to live beyond 80years old. But its all up to HIM. 

Going back. What i have now is: 

• Seborrheic dermatitis is a common inflammatory skin disease characterized by fine scaling and erythema
• The exact etiology is unknown, but the condition is believed to be a result of an interplay between sebum, microbial effects, and other aggravating factors
• The reported incidence of seborrheic dermatitis among patients with human immunodeficiency disease (HIV)/acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) ranges from 34% to 83%

I've been wanting to go home so bad. I miss my mom and everything back home. I want to spend every moment with her. But having the courage to tell my family about my condition still remains as the biggest challenge yet. 

I've caused so much trouble growing up. My teenage years were not easy. Major adjustments were made. A lot of sacrifices were done. I was even seeing a psychiatrist for about a year back then because of some behavioural issues. Which apparently got corrected already. And then. This! Another trouble or burden added to my family. 

I came from a family where people look up to. Modesty aside. My family is influencial. They see my folks as private individuals. People who are neither in the black or white side. People look at our family as an ideal family. Blessed with so many things. (Again, modesty aside) 

Thats the reason why I dont want to come out and tell my parents im hiv positive. Yet. There's this side of me telling that i should. And rather dwell on what peope think. Focus on what i can do with what my family has. 

Influence. I can obviously educate a lot of people. Eliminate stigma by letting them know more about HIV. 

Bless. I can be a living testimony. That amidst my condition. I have a living God. I have a God who still accepts me for who I am. For what I have. For I know He doesnt look at what ive done. Yet looks at the desires of my heart. 

Inspire. In a way. I want to tell people that they do not have to wait for cancer, hiv or anything life threatning to live their lives worthwhile. I want to inspire people by revealing my life story. 

Because of all these. I cannot go home. I am not ready just yet. God revealed to me last sunday that there's a reason why He is giving me all these. He wants to reveal himself to me. He wants to show me that despite of this Big Problem i am facing now. I have a BIGGER God with me. And He is in front of me fighting for HIV. 

His revelation gave me faith to believe. For without revelation. There's no faith. We believe and have faith since we have the reason to have faith. 

I know its still a long journey. I am jusy taking baby steps. Just one step at a time. 

-Zach

God's Answer

"Why are You so Afraid? - Joey Bonifacio" http://subspla.sh/1kFwfkf  

You can download the app and listen to the podcast. 

Will post some of my thoughts about this probably by tomorrow since my eyes are currently shutting down. 

Blessed Day everyone! 

A Small Reason to keep on Fighting

After almost 3 months of not seeing my ID doctor. I finally came to visit her again. I went to see her last friday after completing all the additional lab test she asked me to do way back December 2013. 

Thanks to all my twitter friends who encouraged me to keep on fighting and to see my doctor again after my almost-give-up-moments. 

All my lab test (see pictures below this post) seem to be okay. Nothing really serious. Everything are non reactive. Everything is at range and normal. Except for one thing in my CBC which isnt really a threat to my health. 

So anyway. I took the jeepney from the medical lab after getting my results to my ID doc. It gave me a lot of time to think. Which i needed so badly. I thought of all the things i should be doing instead of dwelling to the fact that i could die anytime soon. As I always say "there's more to life". I started to see random people around me. Some healthy, some rich. Others needy. And others are just fine. I've come to realize that if i compare my situation to others out there. Im pretty sure mine isnt the worst. It might be for some. But for sure. There are some cases or some people who would trade their life to have mine. 

I started to count my blessings one by one. Lets start with my basic support - my family. Although they do not know my situation. They are my number one support in everything I do. I am so blessed with my family. And God has given us so much more blessings everyday. Next- my friends. I've lived in different places. So there goes a lot of friends. From real-reel-social media friends. They're just everywhere. And im forever thankful for that. 

If you come to think of it. I may be decreasing my immune system as time goes by. But do i really suffer from life's challenges? Do i really complain everyday? Do i think of how to eat the next day? Do i complain of a hard bed everynight? Do i even have discomforts in my everyday living? Do i have a very lonely social life? Do i live below poverty? NO! I dont. So why would i still complain?

I thank God for making me realize that each second is a blessing. And we should be thankful for it. We are very much undeserving if you've only come to think of it. 

Its all by God's grace that im still enjoying all the perks of life. A sinner like me should not have any second chancess. But God's grace is everywhere. He showed His Grace to me in every little thing i still have. I may not be the healthy person i am before. But I am still me. 

So before you complain. Ask yourself. Have you suffered really enough? Did Jesus complained when He was nailed in that cross to die for our sins? Have you suffered enough? 

Think about it. 

-Zach

The Man Who Infected Me

If you happen to read my previous post. This is sort of a sequel to it. But just to give you a highlight of what happened, I talked to my friend who is currently dating the one i suspect to have given me HIV. I confronted him to have mr chinito get tested. 

And he came out positive. Long story short. Ive already confirmed who gave me HIV. 

I felt so much anger. That kind of anger that would allow you to do horrible things. His face and everything before him flashed before me. 

My plans. My hopes. My future. Flashed before me as well. I never stopped thinking about the possiblities. What if i never did that? What If i dont have HIV now? Where would I be? How would my life be? 

I cannot imagine the range of my anger during the time i found out he was reactive. Its like knowing the person who killed you. I never thought of his situation. All I can think of is mine. I was so self centered that time. All these happened on the saturday. 

I invited mr beach bum (my friend) and mr chinito (the one who infected me) over dinner saturday evening. I inteded to confront him. I intend to make him realize how messed up my life is because of what he did. 

But for some reason. I did not show up. I feel like it wouldnt make sense confronting him. I feel like it wouldnt do me or him any good at all. 

I tried to stay home that night. I cried out to God. Asking him WHY. Over and over again. 

My sunday came in as usual. I savored much needed sleep and rest. And went to church for my Victory Cell Group and attended the service after. 

I was surprised to see Mr beach bum ay church. I invited him last week. And i was happy to see him back after i invited him. I sat right next to him. He then told me that mr chinito is coming over. I couldnt say a word. I felt numb for a moment. I dont know how to react. I felt like crying. 

I stayed calm and composed. After the service. We had dinner. And then the TALK came in. Mr chinito opened up and suggested i should get tested for hiv. Little did he know what I was the mysterious guy whom Mr Beach bum is telling him. 

I told him that I already know everything. I told him that he infected me. He said his apologies. 

And I forgave him. 

God spoke to me that time. He made me realize how important it is to show other people what real humanity is all about. 

I have been forgiven by God. Who am i not to forgive. God first showed me the wicked ways Ive been doing. He gave me a lesson. He gave me a chance to correct the mistakes i did in the past. He accepted me back after i sinned against him a million times. 

I treated mr chinito with compasion. The one he truely deserves. I forgave him not because I have to. I forgave him because its the right thing to do. Its what God wants me to do. 

He may have ruined my life. But it is not a reason for me not to introduce him to God. Rather, its an opportunity for me to show him what kind of God i have. And im sharing that God to him. 

Thats how much God loves us. Yes. You! That no matter how wicked are ways are. No matter how bad we are. No matter how many times do we disappoint him. He is still there. Giving us hope and strength everyday. 

As for now. I will continue to do what He wants me to do. 

I am not 100% okay. But by His Grace. I know i will be. I know We will all be okay. In His time. 

-zach

Does it still count?

Ive been wanting to post this story since last week. But I figured that I should just let it go and see whats gonna happen. 

Since I was diagnosed. I cant help but think and recall who could possibly gave me HIV. And i could only think of one person. Lets try to call him Mr. Chinito. We met sept 2012. He was such a good guy. We dated. But it didn't worked out. And so i went on with my life. 

Fastforward to 2014. I saw my friend's instagram post sometime in January. Lets call him Mr. Beach bum. And i was shocked that he was going out with Mr. Chinito. I never gave a damn. Who am i to be in between them? They already know whats best for them. Long story short. I dont care. 

A few weeks after. I saw mr beach bum's post again. He was hospitalized. It got me worried. Thinking that Mr. Chinito is my primary suspect for giving me hiv. Without any second thoughts. I messaged mr beach bum and told him that i needed to talk to him. 

I had to contemplate if ill share my status or not. Its a risk i had to take. I didnt think of myself. All im thinking is to save someone from what im experiencing now. 

It was 2 weeks ago. I told him my status. He was very thankful since they're planning to do it the day after i told him. So he had to change plans knowing the possibility of what he might have. 

I told him not to disclose anything about me to mr chinito as of yet. I encourged him to have mr chinito tested. And they both did. 

Thank God he's negative. But mr chinito is not. So there. I finally know who technically ruined my life. I was about to meet them both last night. I had to back out and stay home. I cannot meet them while im still angry. I need to be composed and be matured when i face both of them. 

I cannot imagine myself facing mr chinito. Meeting the person who killed me. The person who crushed all my dreams. I could never be the same because of him. I would never be able to have a family because of him. I have to suffer all of this because of him. 

I know part of it is my fault. But i just cant help but think of thousand WHAT IFS. But what can i say. This is my fate already. No turning back. I just have to move on. And try to live normally. 

For now. I plan to talk to him and have him trace all of those whom he had contact with. I dont wany anyone to experience what im going through. Its a bad thing to have. It ruins your life. 

At this point. I cannot be selfish and just think of myself. If i can save a lot of people. I will. Regardless if it means revealing my status to a lot of strangers. I cant bare to let this happen to anyone else. 

Zach