Blocked. Unfriended. Unfollowed

Its hard to just shut people off. Especially if they are really part of your life. But its been too long. And the reasons are really getting absurd. 

Its better to have few people right next to me than to have so many but mostly are only FOR SHOW. 

So I guess its really Friendship over. You live your life. I live mine. HYPOCRITES! 

#foursomenomore

#angelsnomore

-Z

Eat. Meds. Sleep. Repeat (Health Update)

When Im busy. Im really busy. But after all the work is done. Im back to this reality ive been trying to deal with since 2013. 

I want to just preoccupy myself with so many work. With one hectic schedule to avoid being calm and remembering the condition i will forever carry. 

I have been working my butt off trying to learn everything from scratch. Trying to at least help the family business. They have very high expectations from me. They expect me to do wonders. They expect me to make changes. And often times. I am just so overwhelmed with every responsibility given. 

Its been almost a month. And now im starting to ask myself. Do I really want this kind of lifestyle for the rest of my life? Waking up everyday. Working. Going home and waiting for tomorrow to come. Its a very boring routine. I feel so lonely doing it everyday. I dont feel happy with what im doing. 

I feel like i am missing a lot with my schedule. I am missing a lot of experiences out there. 

I dont get to see friends. I dont get to receive calls or even msgs from them. Most of the time, Im the one always checking on them. It gets very depressing. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another boring routine day. Theres really nothing to look forward to waking up every single day. 

As I always say, midlife crisis at its best. 

So for health updates. Planning to finally enrol myself in the hub here in 6100. Hoping to go there sometime next week. 

After camping 2 weeks ago. Been suffering with a pain in my right shoulder. Something im not very used to. But its been doing good now. 

My allergies are getting okay. Not totally gone but we're getting there. Just some scars left. 

Hoping to visit the dermatologist that was recommended to me by my doctor anytime soon. But i duno. Without any source of income now. Its hard to just spend and spend money. Knowing that im not really getting paid by my parents. 

I feel that somehow i am entitled to spend for myself. After all, its for medical reasons. Not some lavish dinner or vacation or something close. 

My parents expect me to just work. Work. Work. And not really spend anything. Even if its for myself. Thats how greedy they are with money. 

I'll blog about it soon. 

-Z

Feeling NOBODY.

I just got home from work. Went home a little early actually. 

My day started like just an ordinary day. Woke up before 7am in time for my 7am meds and 7am work. Had a good breakfast and started working right after. 

Work was okay. So so. Just the regular busy day at work. 

Went home around 2pm for lunch since my cousin from the US was home with home fot lunch around 12nn. Thought id be home without him to avoid futher conversation. But sadly he was still there. So I had to just pretend im ecstatic to see him and had a so so conversation about anything. 

I dont really have a good relationship with any of my cousins. Its just that ive never really felt i belong since day 1 of my existence. Went back to work around 3pm. 

Other cousins went to the US for a month vacay. In CA and MN. So much for them telling me to live a "simple" life. Anyway. Also learned that my other aunt and other cousins are off to Europe for a 2-weeks vacation this May as well. How wonderful----- NOT! 

And just like that. My day started to go off. I dont know. I just feel so jealous with everything thats going on with them. I envy them a lot. 

I suddenly felt like i was NOBODY. I felt depressed again just like that. Im a kind of person who always wants to see myself above everyone else. I guess i grew up being above everyone else for the longest time. That i dont know how to respond if someone else's life is better than mine. I dont know. I know its wrong to feel that way. But thats what im feeling right now. I feel so useless. I feel that my life will just be like this forever. No progression. 

Latet this afternoon. Some gradeschool classmates came to pick me up for coffee. Went out with them for about an hour. 

I was just there. Smiling with their stories. How they just randomly see each other in Singapore. Or shop in Malaysia or spend some 60k worth of bag. How they spend millions to buy new cars everytime. I just sat there and listened to how their wonderful life went. 

I feel bad. Coz right now i feel so useless. Its like im a nobody. 

Busy Bee

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Just giving updates that im still alive. 

So what really happened after I got home? One word can really sum it all up ---- WORK. 

I've been very busy with handling the family business lately. Its like im starting everything from scratch. Learning everything from dust and cowebbs. 

Most of the time, i am working with inventories and encoding almost everything in my desktop. Something my parents havent had since Day 1 of their existence. Aside from that, im also working with sales, hr and everything in between. In short. Im handling everything. So yeah. One word: STRESS!

But in a good way though. Everyday is different. 

Sometimes i do field work too. Visiting farms and other clients. 

Been seeing some old time friends too. Not that often. But we hang out if time permits. 

Went camping with them just recently and i was very much humbled by the experience. It was fun. 

My life now is all about work. I'll try to give updates from time to time. 

Just thought of posting something here. 

-Z

A new chapter in a few hours

In a few hours. I will start another chapter of my life yet. Another fresh new start. A new adventure awaits after few years of being away from home. 

Im now sitting in the stairs of the fire exit of the building I lived for 3 years. 

Its been one hell of a trip. Its been a hell of an adventure. A lot has indeed happened since then. But I know everything will be okay. Like I always say "no way but up". 

I didn't expect to be a little emotional leaving Cebu. The place where I was reborn. The place where I thought I would discover myself. Well, I guess I finally did. 

Leaving home before, I told myself I just needed some time to figure out what I really want to do with my life. And my time now is up. So has the question been answered? I guess so. Its not really clear. But i know are getting there. 

In a few hours. I'll be leaving. Ready to face another chapter. A new challenge awaits. And I know God has made me stronger than ever. 

So until the next adventure. Goodbye Cebu. Till we meet again. 

- Z

Health Update March 9, 2015

So last wednesday. Aside from my trip to the hospital. I got my CD4 results. From 602 (dec 2013) 345 (june 2014). And now im slowly going up. Current one is 361- as of Feb 2015. This was supposed to be taken last dec 2014. But if you were following my blog. You should know by now that DOH didnt provide any schedule of cd4 for the past few months. 

Its something to be thankful for. After all. Everyday is a reason to be thankful. 

But everyday is not easy. I went to hysterical again with all the drama in the world for the past few days. I could not take that back. Things happen. Shit has been said. Actions were done already. So if you ask me? I dont know WHY im always being an oxymoron about everything thats going on. 

I guess its one of those days where i woke up in the wrong side of bed. It was terrible. 

I still feel bad about it. For the things i said. For the things i did. But its up to them to widen their horizon of so called understanding a dying person. 

I call myself a brat. Everything always has to be ME. Im becoming this egocentric and egoistic person i used to dread before. And i dont like it. 

I have tried to keep all the anger. To just keep silent about it. Thinking that if I do it that way. I would be classy. I would look mature in handling things. But i was wrong. The anger ive been keeping for a while just errupted in just a snap. Just like that. Its not healthy. 

I need to find a way to chanel my anger, my frustration, my depression. I need to have an activity where I can all let it all out when i needed to. Boxing? Yoga? I dont know. But hopefully being busy with the family business real soon will keep me out of another drama yet. 

Another thing that bothers me aside from my allergies are my vision. Its getting worst. I dont know. Maybe i will really need to have this checked. Its getting blurry everyday. 

I once borrowed my officemates glasses and tried it. And for some reason. Everything was crystal clear. It was the moment i self diagnosed and told myself that I needed to get checked and get glasses real soon. 

My allergies are slowly and inconsistently going away. (In my arms at least). But i noticed it went back in my face just a few days ago. Still monitoring it for a few days since it might just be the stress thats causing it. 

I know its gross. But this post would not be really an update if ill just be faking everything up. 

So the picture above shows some little progress compared to the blog i posted with my arms picture a few months back. 

Im not sure if you can tell but most part of my arms are only scars from previous allergy visitors that decided to stay and camp for a little while. 

But my face is a little swollen with allergies now. Again. Maybe im just a little stress with all the drama for the past few days. 

So I guess thats all for now. 

And yes. Sadly. Im still alive to date. 

- Z

And you even call yourself my "friend" shame on you!

I haven't updated anyone in social media about this. Both pseudo and real accounts. Im still not posting anything. Not informing anyone about whats going on. Its been 4 days and counting. 

I guess it only shows how I don't exist to my "friends". Yes. You read it right. And i did not mistyped the quotation i placed in the word FRIENDS. 

Do they just depend on updates from me via twitter/facebook/instagram? Do I always have to be the one to tell them "hey, im sick. Hey, im dying. Hey, im in the hospital. Hey, i almost died". 

When will be the time when I can get a message from them saying "How are you?" "Im praying for you" "I hope youre doing good". 

Often times. I would tweet or message them in viber. Randomly asking them how they are. Or just simply saying "Good Morning". I guess its my way of telling them "hey im still alive. Fightig. As you all want me to do. As you all wanted me to be in."  

I don't know if they even notice that I was not able to tweet for 4 days now. Which is obviously a little strange to think that im a twitter and a social media junkie. Cyber world is my outlet. I don't know if they even notice my absence. 

None of them really CARED to send me a message. Well. There was one. Who happens to be a very good friend of mine. K---y asked me how my cd4 was. And i was only able to reply earlier today. 

So out of many "FRIENDS" I have. Only one cared to ask my results. Only one even remebered. 

I guess I will just increase the volume of my IV. 

And even if I die today. They still would not know. Unless of course someone woud just post RIP in my facebook wall. How pathetic! 

I guess i dont really have genuine people that REALLY cares. I guess they only care because I want them too. I guess Im that of a controller. I control people how to act and how to respond to my signs. 

I will continue to update my blog. Since no one is reading this anyway. Or if you are reading this now. I may be dead already. 

Lets see if there are people who will even send me a message after I post this. 

If dying or being in a critical condition doesnt even matter to them. Then so be it. I dont know if I even have friends to call after I get out of this place. 

I have become so desparate with their concern, care and understanding. I have become a burden to them already. I will learn how to move on by myself. 

I dont know if i can still trust people anymore. I dont know if I can still be the same person again. 

I almost died. And no one knows. Lets keep it that way shall we? 

- Z