Get to know the person who made me happy, unconsciously

So this blog is all about A. Who the hell is A? 

Met him around October of 2011 while I was reviewing for my lesson during product training- CVG days. I can clearly remember how exactly I saw him. It was around 2-3am and im starring at this window outside the room with my green sterling notebook in a freezing hallway then this innocent looking guy passed by and entered the training room next to ours. 

That day. I know there was something about him. He resembles S so much to me. 

Everything after day was about silent stalking and all that. And dec of 2011. After cvg Christmas Party. We all went out and went to DugOut. And he was there too. Somehow we were introduced. And so the friendship began. 

Started facebooking with him the morning after Dec 17 or Dec 18, 2011. Started texting and started to really be good friends. We both share almost the same interest. Booze, Edms, and Volleyball to name a few or most of our convos. 

No one really had the guts to make the first move. I guess it was deeply friendship after all. I was happy. And im assuming he is too. Until some rumor in the office started to spread like wildfire about us being "together". And that He (A) betrayed me or something. It was all too blurry. Something like that happened. 

I honestly became cold on him a few months after because I know deep within me that I was already feeling something for him. And i dont want to disappoint myself to know that the feeling is not mutual. So i started to distance myself and started being cold to just avoid the pain or to avoid falling for him more. 

Then that issue came up. We were both shocked with the rumors. We never had a relationship aside from the friendship we had. It wasn't more than that. We dont even talk personally. 

But time did heal it all. We would still chat from time to time and check on each other. Esp about volleyball. 

But last saturday was different. I was able to really talk to him. I was able to somehow take care of him while he was so drunk. 

It was the first time that we talked in public or even had our pictures taken together just the two of us. It was the first time i was that close to him. The first time i was able to hold his hand. Caress his wet hair. Buy him water to sober him up. It was the first time he put his arms around me for group pictures. A lot of it really means a lot to me. 

I know he may not feel the same thing. But he made me happy. I was and still happy because of that. 

We are friends. And its enough. Im past the point where im still expecting us to be more than that. Or so i thought. 

Spent the last minutes earlier reading our prev convos. His random msgs to check on me if i post all my "kadramahan" status on facebook or twitter. He was and still is a very good friend. 

That night while i was taking care of him. I remember pulling out my own handkerchief to dry him up. But i honestly forgot to get it back. 

He left me with so many thoughts and memories. But i left him with my handkerchief. At least i can stay the least he still has a part of me even if its ------unconsciously

- Z

Walls were broken. Relationships restored.

Last saturday night was a blast. It started very boring. I even tweeted how boring my night was until around past midnight when DJ MOD started to play some of the craziest drops ever. 

Went out with my great cvg friends. My party-go-to friends. I really had a great time with D. She was so nice to even let me stay at her apartment to savor a few hours of sleep right after Lovedance. 

With the help of our little friend Jose Cuervo. The night went so wild. Saw some pictures the morning after and it was kind of blurry how i even had those pictures! It was one hell of a night out with awesome friends. 

I've been good friends with D since cvg days around 4 years ago. Distance never ruined our friendship. I would often meet up with her in Boracay or somewhere off of Iloilo or Bacolod for some edm parties or just a quick coffee chat to catch up. She really went out of her way to make me happy that night after her finding out my status a few months back. And for that im extremely thankful. 

Finally went back to Art District in the longest time and had a nice time with familiar faces. 

That night, broken friendships were restored between D and L. Some new "open" friendship was sort of built between me and A. It was all worth ut. 

Ive known A also around 4yrs ago in cvg. We were in the same department. 

We used to really be good friends and often text eachother or send facebook msg back in the days until some rumor came out and eventually it became a little awkward for us both. 

Though we've been friends for a long time. We haven't really talked in public. We were just good cyber friends to avoid rumors and all that.

But last night was different. I guess it was time to break that wall and just set free. 

I ended up nursing him for a few hours. Again. Thanks to our good friend Jose Cuervo! Lol! 

The morning after. I woke up still feeling groggy and decided to have some brunch with D. 

Later that day. Went to see some good childhood friends for some catching up and ended going to some ranch up north of the city. It was amazing! 

Spent about a few hours talking about memories and every random stuff in between. 

The place was just before Campuestohan Mountain Resort. Still not fully developed. But a good place to chill, read a book or something. 

My weekend was superb! Had a great time with friends and it gave me more reason to live life. 

It wasn't about any imprefections. Its all about making everything seem perfect. I couldn't ask for more. 

Thank You Lord! 

-Z

Pre LoveDance thoughts

Pre lovedance thoughts? 

Its a simple way of enjoying what I really love to do ever since. 

Going out with friends. Great company, great food, eargasmic music. I couldn't really ask for more. 

I have been working darn hard for the past month. Countless sleepless nights trying to figure out new ways on how to be an effective manager. 

Im really a dreamer. I have high expectations for myself. I always have this vision of myself being a really sucessful business mogul. But getting there means a lot of hard work. 

Nothing in life really comes easy. 

More than just being a boss. I myself, am trying to experience what its like to be in the shoes of my employees. Doing even the things im not really used to. Doing stuff that would most likely put my health at risk. Thinking that we're dealing with fertilizers/chemicals everyday. 

I figured that if ill be in this industry for good. I would be having this scars/allergies that would always be visible to most people. 

Going back. Im really excited tomorrow. I know its not really much. But its been a while since the last time i went out and really had fun. 

I just want to feel good about myself. I want to be free from all the stress at work for just the weekend. I want to just scream my voice so loud to the bass drop of the dj playing my fave Edms. I want to raise my hands up and be carefree. I miss that feeling so bad. 

I miss being with people my age. 

Most of the time. Im dealing with very business minded individuals. Doing deals here and there. Its just really stressing me out. 

Working for my mom is nothing but a pain in the ass. Like seriously. I think i got the controller instinct from her. 

Its just so odd that she lets me handle the family business. But still does not let me speak my mind. I still dont have any say about anything. Its basically still her handling it. Im just her puppet. I want to do a lot more. But i couldnt because it will always be a NO. 

I guess thats basically the main reason why i really wanted to establish my own business. But i cant persue my own dreams thinking that they would again lack manpower in the shop. 

I gave up my blossoming career in Cebu for my mom. 

Looking back. Ive always followed her. From the piano lessons, swimming class, saturday stay in the shop when i was young. To what school to go during high school. Upto college. From what course to take and even approves what company ill be in. I always consult everything with her. If she said NO. I always follow. Not all the time though. But most of the time. 

I never had regrets though. I did benefit from a lot of it. I wouldnt be the man i am now if it wasnt for her strict upbringing. 

But sometimes, i just want to reach my own dreams too. 

If it was my way since the start, i really wanted to be a psychiatrist or a broadcast com major. I wanted to be in the advertising industry or anything related to journalism or media prod or events. Its where im good at. And i bet she doesnt even know. 

I wanted to go to UP or Ateneo for college. 

I wanted to be in BDO a year ago since they were recruiting me to be part of their mktg team. But my mom said to to stay in jpmc. 

Like earlier today. While going home. I decided to drive since i know she's also tired from working. But even my driving skills are still not okay with her. 

Sometimes. I just dont know where to put myself. 

Im afraid that one day. I'll just grow tired to saying yes to her. I guess this shows of how little we know about each other. 

- Z

Pre LoveDance thoughts

If you are an avid reader of my blog, or if you happen to really know me. You should know by now that I am a HUGE fan of Coachella-ish EDM kind of Music Festivals. 

Its a misconception that its all about drinking and party and stuff. Its totally NOT. 

Its basically a music festival. Something im very much into when it comes to mysic genre. 

So since im already home. I might as well try what its like to experience their so called LoveDance here. Its not that I have very high expectations. But I've been to a lot of music festivals already. Manila, Boracay, Cebu. Just to name some popular places of music festivals. 

Im not really sure if it will be some kind of a downgrade from the edm parties im used to. But hey, as long as you have a great drop and if you're with your good friends, anything fun can happen. 

Decided to tag along with one of my good friend - D. We've been friends since Cvg days. And the good part is, she already knows my status. So no more hiding. 

Im also still friends with other ex-officemates. If you want to have a good time at any music festivals. They are my go-to-friends. 

But this time will be a little different. I dont know if i can still be myself with them thinking that they might notice some scars in me. 

But then again, its still me. 

Listening to Edm makes me very happy,  it makes me forget all the stress i have to face everyday. Its my ultimate fave. 🙌

I tried to tag along my little sister who will be going to college this June. But decided to cancel the last minute. 

I will be seeing good old friends i havent seen for years. 

I gained weight, thats a good thing. But i just hope they would still see me as me. Not as someone different physically. 

Lets see what happens. 

- Z

Uphill Battle

As I walk alone in our lawn this late evening. I tried to ponder on life's imprefection. 

I figured, no matter where I go, no matter what I do. Life as you know it, will always have its own ebb and flows. It will forever change, it will forever be unfair. It will forever be imperfect. 

But one thing I know for sure. We can see life beyond its imperfection by our own perspective. 

Last night, as I was still at rage with a lot of anger with life's imperfection. I thought, starting anew was the answer. I thought going away instead of facing it would solve everything. I was wrong. 

Now im starting to think im crazy. My blog is so full of emotions. Sometimes, im very inspirational. Most of the time,  its just full of anger, grudge, envy. 

I went to my doctor earlier for my ARV refill that would last until August. While waiting for about nearly 2 hours. I decided to watch some youtube documentaries. After that, went home around 3pm and headed straight to work. 

Decided to commute earlier to avoid being asked by my folks about it. 

It was finally an alone time for me. Finally, i was able to just be alone and think about anything. To be in control of everything again, my time, my route, my everything. 

Then i remember the article i read last night from one of my good friend- N. 

Again, it gets me thinking how hard it is to love myself again. 

With just one mistake I made. It all changed just like that.

My plans of proposing to someone, having a family, a wife, a son/daughter of my own. All gone just like that. 

Its hard to love someone I once dreaded. Its hard to love someone, someone like myself now. 

I dont know where to go from here. Im trying to accept myself. Im trying to love myself again. But its like taking one step forward and two steps backward everytime. 

Im thankful for very few friends who are always there. Randomly checking on me everytime. 

This fight is so tough alone. But looking back, I know Ive come a long way. But looking forward. There are still numerous mountains to climb. 

Help me Lord. 

- Z

Living It Large by the Broke Workacholic Man

"I feel like I have a new car but still drives in the same road." I know i heard or read that quote somewhere. I just can't remember where. 

Earlier today was one of those very off days. Went to work but my mind was somewhere. I was really blank the whole time. 

As I sit and ponder upon things. The question of "should I stay or go again" keeps on murmuring in my mind. 

Its just hard to really figure out what you really want to do with your life. Its hard to be inconsistent with almost everything- decisions, thoughts, moods, EVERYTHING! 

Im one of those who doesn't really want to embrace change. 

When it comes to work, i think im doing good. Im doing what im expected to do. Little by little at least. We're getting there. But sometimes, i feel that there's really no recognition from my mom AT ALL. No "good job" or "way to go". 

I remember last time i wanted to use my car for a roadtrip with friends. It was a sunday. So basically, its sort of my day off. She just shut me off by saying that I need to gas it myself. 

My point is, yes, i have savings, i have a little investment, but i work for her too. Yes, i live and eat under her house. But to limit everything that I do is a little too much. 

I dont really have incoming income aside from my savings. And if everytime I go out or want to do something ill spend my own money, i dont think my savings would even last. 

Its basic accounting. No cash inflows. Only cash outflows everytime. 

As a 24 year old guy, i dont expect myself to just stay home and do exactly like what she does. 

I dont know. A little money would not be as bad. Thinking that Im working my butt off for it. Even CEOs have salaries for themselves. I didn't even ask for one thinking that i really dont WANT anything. But at some point sometimes even my NEEDS are being limited already. 

I NEED to go out there and not be dead depressed everytime Im home. 

I dont know. I may sound so off on this one. But i feel that this is somehow too much of really controlling me. 

Recently. I expressed to her how I wanted to enroll myself in the gym since in gaining weight so fast. From 52kgs to 61.8kgs in just a month. 

But as expected, she told me that i should use my own money for it. 

A few days ago, Jpmc (my prev company) informed me that my backpay is ready for pickup. But since im like a flight away. I cant go there without spending money again. It will cost me alot. So I asked my friend M if he could do me a favor and that God he agreed. But problem is sending it over to me. Its a check, so it needs to be endoresed before depositing it. So my mom told me to send our driver over to pick it up. So another expense for me. Had to cancel gym plans just for that again. 

Slowly im thinking that she is making me her little slave as well. Dont get me wrong, i love my mom so much. Thats why i decided to leave my career in Cebu to help her with the family business. 

But sometimes, the greed for money is just too much to handle. 

I dont know. I dont back read most of my blogs. So i dont know if im even making sense. I just feel so lost. I want to run away and never really return for good. 

I never really felt what its like to belong in a family. With a father, and a mother. And im not going to have my own either with this condition. 

-Z

Those Who Stayed

Looking back 20 years from now. Preschool days, elementary days, highschool or even college. 

We've met thousands of people already. Befriended a lot of them. Had close relationships with them at some point. 

But pause right now. And count how many people left close to you now from those times. How many people are left? How many people you've known since preschool, elementary, highschool, or college is with you right now? 

I bet they can all fit in your fingers. Say 10? Or even 20? So out of the thousand or hundred close relationships we've all had years back. We only have these people we are thinking now. 

I tell you. Those people are worth keeping. 

Its not the quantity of friends. Its all about the quality of friendship. 

Some may say, we've all been busy. Went with different careers after school. But why do we still have these people right now? One thing- constant communication. 

In a world where communication was made easy by technology. I dont think we have an excuse after all. 

I myself am guilty of this. But oftentimes. I find myself randomly keeping in touch with some old friends. But when will I stop doing that? When will I be checked by most if not some of them? 

How ironic it is that thru time. Technology has made its way in making it simpler or easier for us to communicate. But I guess its what draws us apart now. 

Im getting tired of always reaching out to people. Always be the one to bridge the gap of distance, or of our busy schedule. 

I want to cry. But i cant. I guess depression is slowly turning into anger. 

So which one are you? The one who reaches out always or the one who receives the message? 

Its time that I dont let people take advantage of how fragile I am now. Its time to move on and simply just stick with people who are with me. Thru thick and thin. Its hard to let go of memories. But I guess thats why they are called memories after all. Coz all you can di now is think about it. The past. 

- Z

Blocked. Unfriended. Unfollowed

Its hard to just shut people off. Especially if they are really part of your life. But its been too long. And the reasons are really getting absurd. 

Its better to have few people right next to me than to have so many but mostly are only FOR SHOW. 

So I guess its really Friendship over. You live your life. I live mine. HYPOCRITES! 

#foursomenomore

#angelsnomore

-Z

Eat. Meds. Sleep. Repeat (Health Update)

When Im busy. Im really busy. But after all the work is done. Im back to this reality ive been trying to deal with since 2013. 

I want to just preoccupy myself with so many work. With one hectic schedule to avoid being calm and remembering the condition i will forever carry. 

I have been working my butt off trying to learn everything from scratch. Trying to at least help the family business. They have very high expectations from me. They expect me to do wonders. They expect me to make changes. And often times. I am just so overwhelmed with every responsibility given. 

Its been almost a month. And now im starting to ask myself. Do I really want this kind of lifestyle for the rest of my life? Waking up everyday. Working. Going home and waiting for tomorrow to come. Its a very boring routine. I feel so lonely doing it everyday. I dont feel happy with what im doing. 

I feel like i am missing a lot with my schedule. I am missing a lot of experiences out there. 

I dont get to see friends. I dont get to receive calls or even msgs from them. Most of the time, Im the one always checking on them. It gets very depressing. 

Tomorrow is another day. Another boring routine day. Theres really nothing to look forward to waking up every single day. 

As I always say, midlife crisis at its best. 

So for health updates. Planning to finally enrol myself in the hub here in 6100. Hoping to go there sometime next week. 

After camping 2 weeks ago. Been suffering with a pain in my right shoulder. Something im not very used to. But its been doing good now. 

My allergies are getting okay. Not totally gone but we're getting there. Just some scars left. 

Hoping to visit the dermatologist that was recommended to me by my doctor anytime soon. But i duno. Without any source of income now. Its hard to just spend and spend money. Knowing that im not really getting paid by my parents. 

I feel that somehow i am entitled to spend for myself. After all, its for medical reasons. Not some lavish dinner or vacation or something close. 

My parents expect me to just work. Work. Work. And not really spend anything. Even if its for myself. Thats how greedy they are with money. 

I'll blog about it soon. 

-Z

Feeling NOBODY.

I just got home from work. Went home a little early actually. 

My day started like just an ordinary day. Woke up before 7am in time for my 7am meds and 7am work. Had a good breakfast and started working right after. 

Work was okay. So so. Just the regular busy day at work. 

Went home around 2pm for lunch since my cousin from the US was home with home fot lunch around 12nn. Thought id be home without him to avoid futher conversation. But sadly he was still there. So I had to just pretend im ecstatic to see him and had a so so conversation about anything. 

I dont really have a good relationship with any of my cousins. Its just that ive never really felt i belong since day 1 of my existence. Went back to work around 3pm. 

Other cousins went to the US for a month vacay. In CA and MN. So much for them telling me to live a "simple" life. Anyway. Also learned that my other aunt and other cousins are off to Europe for a 2-weeks vacation this May as well. How wonderful----- NOT! 

And just like that. My day started to go off. I dont know. I just feel so jealous with everything thats going on with them. I envy them a lot. 

I suddenly felt like i was NOBODY. I felt depressed again just like that. Im a kind of person who always wants to see myself above everyone else. I guess i grew up being above everyone else for the longest time. That i dont know how to respond if someone else's life is better than mine. I dont know. I know its wrong to feel that way. But thats what im feeling right now. I feel so useless. I feel that my life will just be like this forever. No progression. 

Latet this afternoon. Some gradeschool classmates came to pick me up for coffee. Went out with them for about an hour. 

I was just there. Smiling with their stories. How they just randomly see each other in Singapore. Or shop in Malaysia or spend some 60k worth of bag. How they spend millions to buy new cars everytime. I just sat there and listened to how their wonderful life went. 

I feel bad. Coz right now i feel so useless. Its like im a nobody. 

Busy Bee

I know I haven't blogged in a while. Just giving updates that im still alive. 

So what really happened after I got home? One word can really sum it all up ---- WORK. 

I've been very busy with handling the family business lately. Its like im starting everything from scratch. Learning everything from dust and cowebbs. 

Most of the time, i am working with inventories and encoding almost everything in my desktop. Something my parents havent had since Day 1 of their existence. Aside from that, im also working with sales, hr and everything in between. In short. Im handling everything. So yeah. One word: STRESS!

But in a good way though. Everyday is different. 

Sometimes i do field work too. Visiting farms and other clients. 

Been seeing some old time friends too. Not that often. But we hang out if time permits. 

Went camping with them just recently and i was very much humbled by the experience. It was fun. 

My life now is all about work. I'll try to give updates from time to time. 

Just thought of posting something here. 

-Z