The Life I am Living

Woke up half past 3 in the morning. I guess I was just to anxious about my CD4 test a few hours from now. Decided to get a good meal in IT park. Walked home afterwards. 

As I walk home. I realized that 2 weeks from now. I wouldnt be able to experience this kind of lifestyle again. 

I would be home in 2 weeks time. And this time- for good. I dont know what to expect. Its been a while since I setteled home for good. Its been 8 years. After Highschool. I was already living alone. Well. Sort of. I go home from time to time. But not for good. Only for the weekends or so. 

While walking. I realized how life is still amazing despite of every struggle in between. Being alone allows me to think and reflect on God's word. Thats why I always want to be alone. I feel very peaceful with just me and my God. 

Earlier today. I called my cousin in law back home. Had a great small talk with him. Glad to hear that everyone back home is doing good. Was initially planning to talk to my cousin about preparations with medical stuff in transfering home. But she was busy. 

Thinking about people back home makes me anxious as well. A lot of responsibility awaits me there. 

My mom doesnt know about my situation. And she expects me to run the family business when i get home. Its a huge responsibility i have to fill in. Its a stressful thing to do. But I guess sometimes in life. You just have to suck it all in for the sake of family. 

Im expected to do good. Im expected to perform well. Im expected with a lot of things. And i dont know if i will be able to do good with whats expected from me. 

With everything that is going on. With every depression. With every fight for my life. With everyday side effects i have to experience while taking arvs. And so much in between. I dont know if i can. But God tells me i can with Him by my side. 

I guess He lets us be in a helpless situation at times that way we may know how He powerful He is. 

Im always thankful for the ability to share my thoughts. Not perfect. Not surperb. But its something I have to just do. Coz I know someday. People would no longer hear me. See me. Or even know whats on my mind. Sooner or later. I would no longer be here. But my thoughts at this very moment will remain to those who wants to hear me again. 

Whatever the result of my cd4 is. I guess it doesnt really matter. Coz I know that right now. I am starting to really live my life. Not everyone can really be in a stage where they appreciate life to the fullest. 

I may not have a lot of things or experience a lot of things while im living. But one thing i know is for sure. I have lived my life the way God wants me to. 

Appreciative. Humbled. Thankful. 

 

-Z

When Questions are Answered -- my first solo travel.

Went to Bantayan Island in the Northern part of Cebu last weekend alone. Until something amazing happened. 

I travel alot. I would normally travel alone and just meet up with friends in the area. But this time. I decided to really be alone. The entire trip. Something I havent done. 

Just thinking about the experience makes me want to burst out in tears. God is so amazing. The feeling is priceless. I feel very blessed despite of everything im going through right now. I feel that when you are in a place of solitude, you can then realize that there are thousand other things to really be thankful for. 

Started my trip with a good 4 hours trip from Cebu City to Hagnaya Port. 

A/C bus is only for 160php. 

I was able to sit beside this good fellow. Probably in his 30's who just arrived from Manila and visiting his wife and 4 month old baby in the town of Hagnaya. He met his wife in Bantayan while he was doing apprentice ship in one of the shipping lines few years ago. He was amazed that Im all by myself. 

Arrived around past 1pm in Hagnaya Port and it took another good hour of boat ride to the beautiful island of Bantayan. 

For only 185php plus 10php terminal fee. I opted to stay in the a/c room. And i was the lone passenger in the cabin. I guess people prefer to stay in the open overlooking the sea. 

I started to use my monopod and started taking pictures of myself. Well. The struggle is real when traveling alone. You just cant get a good picture everytime. Haha. On the way there. Played my song for the weekend - Love me like you do by ellie goulding. Took pictures and updated my twitter, iG, swarmp. 

The only thing i did prior to going to the island was to make a resort reservation at Anika Beach Resort. The newest in the island. And i was very very impressed by their service and everything in between. Was picked up by the resort service upon arriving in Sta Fe Pier and headed straight to the resort for check in. 

Reality started to kick in as I waited for one group of 3 people who were also booked in the same resort. After they arrived. We headed to the resort which isnt that far. About 5mins from the port. 

Immediately, right after check in. I decided to go by the beach and took some photos. Called some friends and shared my first few hours of experience so far. The place is a paradise. Not a lot of people like in Boracay or even Bohol and Palawan. It was very peaceful. 

While I was at the beach. I started to check my @zach_poz twitter account. 

And ive noticed something intersting. One of my twitter friend/follower - Geno (non poz) (doctor) was in island as well. So i checked his twitter feed and stalked his iG. And to my surprise. We were both in the same boat, picked up by the same van, and checked in the same resort. What are the odds? We were just talking in twitter a few days ago about volleyball and now we were in the same island. 

I didnt really recognize him while i was waiting for him along with his two other friends (partners) in the port before heading to the resort. 

So i messaged him and told him im the loner guy they were with in the van earlier. 

It was very unexpected. 

As i walked along the beach. I was amazed by how the locals live. It was very laid back. It was very simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. But i can say they are happy. Kids started to wave at me from a far as I continue to walk in the sea shore. 

After my stroll along the beach alone. Went to my room and took a 30mins nap. 

The room I got was just a small one. 1,500php. But it was very worth it. With all the basic amenities. Clean bath, shower and very very comfy pillow. 

The rooms are actually made of container cargo trucks. It was amazing. 

And its only a few steps away from the beach. 

While having dinner. I guess people from the resort would usually see couples or group of friends staying there thats why they would usually be amazed that Im just alone traveling. Had a good dinner. Prices were okay. Not bad. And they have big servings. Something that made me and my tummy very happy. 

After dinner. I took a pedicab and went to Sta Fe Market. Where the pubs and other restos are located. Tried this itallian pasta in Cafe Del Mare. And had a few shots and went back to the resort around past 9:30. 

Not really getting used to sleeping that early and the silence is very deafing. 

Geno and I finally met around past 10pm while I was in the beach listening to the waves. Had a few conversation about how weird it is to finally see eachother while not really planning for it. After a few chitchats. We called it a night. 

The morning after was just amazing. Had a good and heavy breakfast as always. Since im really a breakfast person. And started to ask myself what to do and where to go the entire trip. 

Geno and his two couple friends were so nice that they even invited me over for island hopping to Virgin Island. 

Something that I really want but since Im alone. I put and "X" to it in my things to since coz itll cost me more $$$ going there alone. 

There was a lot of hesitation if ill go with them or not. #1. I dont really know his friends. #2. I just met him last night. #3 im not good with meeting new people. Im not very sociable after being diagnosed. I just somehow lost all the self confidence right after. #4,5,6. The reasons are endless. 

But I decided to tag along. Virgin Island is just so hard to say NO to. Again. I dont know what to expect. 

But things went okay. They were all so nice. Very friendly. 

I really went out of my way in dealing with things i havent done in a long time. And it all started by deciding to go with a bunch of strangers. Something that I havent really done. 

Played beach volleyball. Went snorkling. Went swimming. Stayed and jumped from here : 

And i ended up having this: 

But everything that day was all worth it. No regrets. 

God is just amazing how He would just show and introduce you to people that would make your trip worth while. His timing was very perfect. Everything just fell into place. I went to the island alone not knowing what to expect. And returned home very blessed and fullfilled. 

Im amazed how God uses people to give you life lessons you will forever be thankful for. 

"Life starts at the end of your comfort zone" a quote from one of Geno's friends. 

Now, looking back to the place where I was after being so miserable living a life with HiV. I would not have experienced all these If i chose to end my life during those wicked days of my life. I would not have realized that life is indeed more than sickness and problems. That life is beautiful, amazing, full of surprises. That no matter how bad your situation is now, it will soon pass. It will soon come to an end. 

As I write about this experience. I cant help but cry. Ive cried since earlier while leaving the island. I cry not because im sad. But because im very overwhelmd by so many things right now. 

Thank you Lord. For letting me live and experience life like I have never experienced before. 

My battle with HIV is not over. But at least now i know that I can surpass everything. I know that Ive come a long way. Stronger than ever. Im a changed person. I learned to finally live by the time life itself  placed a deadline in me. 

Im inspired by E and M. Geno's friends. They look very good together. I may not find that kind of relationship. But at least Im very much thankful that other people did. And for that im very grateful. Its a different feeling being happy for other people than being happy for yourself. 

I'll continue to breathe again. I'll strive to learn everyday and continue to be amazed by God's wonderful creation. 

Thank You! More solo travels coming right up. 

- Z

Death wish

I dont want to regret not planning my own funeral before i finally pass away. I know i may sound too off on this one. But at least, if i die. Hoping that it wont be anytime soon. My family and friends would already know what I really want to happen. Its being realistic. 

If that day comes. I want to be cremated. Simply because im just too claustrophobic to be inside a coffin and I know make up of dead people isnt really the nicest thing in the world. Plus. I dont want people to see me there inside the coffin dead. So i want to be cremated. Surrounded by lots and lots of flowers. White flowers. In beautiful arrangements. Surrounded by my portraits. Pictures. Selfies. A lot of it. I want to fill the plaxe with a lot of happy memories. I dont want my wake to be full of sadness like any other wake. I want to be remembered as someone who is happy and strong. I dont want to see negative pictures of me. I want pictures of me and my family being placed in all corners of the room. 

I want ny thoughts to be in the place. During my wake. I want quotes coming from my twitter or my blog. Those that really comes from me. I want to be remembered by my thoughts. I think its one of my most prized possession. To be able to express my thoughts in a way that i inspire a few people here and there. 

I want to have a lot of testimonies from good friends every service. I want to be remembered with a lot of good memories. So i want my wake to be full of good memories. Photos all over. Video clips all over. Prized possessions all over. 

I want to be placed in either a granite or dark colored marble vase. On the day of my last wake. I want everyone to wear white with black ribbons in their right arm. I want to have flying ballons as a sign of me finally going to heaven on the last day. 

I want to deliver this message to everyone in my wake:

"I know by now, i am already gone. And i thank you all for being here. And for being part of my life. I may not mention each one of you. But you know who you are. I know in one way or another, we have shared something special that bought you here. And to that Im deeply grateful. Not everyone can finally prepare their own wake. But me. As you all know it, plans everything ahead. And i dont want to miss planning my own funeral. I want to thank each and everyone of you here. I will surely miss you. But life goes on. Just because im gone physically it doesnt mean im completely gone. I will always be with you and you will always be a part of who i am. I made this message simply because I want you all to remember that at this very moment. Even if i am gone. I am thinking of each one of you. Its time to let go and its time to move on. Thank you for making me who i am until the very end of my short life. Thank you for letting me experience what its like to live with such amazing people. I thank God for letting me know you all. I am in a very peaceful place know. I know we will miss each other but this is not the end. Live your life to the fullest. We will see each other again soon. Farewell."  

I hope this is not too much to ask for those people left behind. If you are reading this. And I might already be gone. Please make this last request of mine happen. 

-Z

❤️'s Day

No. This is not me. Just so you know before you even start reading. 

So today is the 14th of Feb. On a saturday. All i can do is check Viber, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. And all im seeing are posts about Valentines Day. 

What exactly are my thoughts? 

I paused for a while. And started to really think deep. 

Do I feel bitter? Do I feel lonely? Do I feel alone? To be honest. I dont know what the answer is. Its been a while since I last celebrated Valentine's Day. Maybe I wont really get a chance to celebrate it at all. 

I remember my Manager asked me yesterday, so whats your plan tomorrow? I looked at him very clueless. He just smiled and said--- its Valentines. I gave a sigh of relief (or was it?) it simply slipped my mind. I never really thought of it until going home lat at night yesterday seeing almost everyone bringing something for their special someone. 

2008. I think that was the last time I had a date on Valentine's Day. A date would mean --- going out on a dinner. Wearing something nice. Spening time with someone special. Its been 7 years. Ive been numb on what to really feel on a special night/day. 

I feel happy for my friends. I feel happy that they are happy. I guess thats how I celebrate Valentine's day ever since. I smile thinking that they are having the time of their lives. Something that I would never experience. Something that I could only dream of. Something that I would only see in pictures, movies, hear from stories. Something that would always be a dream that wont turn into reality. 

You can't get everything you want. Thats a sad reality that we all live by. But you can turn things up and make it worth while. 

I called home and had a little conversation with my mom. Told her how much I love her. Sent a few messages to close friends. And again, endless deep thoughts. 

Seeing them happy gives me a different kind of happiness. I thank God for making them happy. I thank God for making me feel that kind of happiness. 

I thank God for our ability to dream and imagine. Sometimes thats the only way I can be happy. My thoughts are my own. I can create a story with a very happy ending. I am the actor, i can choose all the cast, i am the director. I control how it will start, how it will end. 

I hope I can also do that in reality. 

I hope. 

-Z

Hearts Month thoughts

Currently in my favorite spot in my crib. Over looking the mountains. Having a blisful sunrise reflecting over the spotted arms I have. Feeling the morning wind and a whisper of hopeful tomorrows. 

Let me share whats on my mind while currently listening to OPM. Yes. You read it right. Aside from edm. Ive been drowning myself with OPM lately. Overly dramatic week coinciding love month. 

NP: halik sa hangin. I dont know. The song is all about regrets. Its all about wrong decisions and about just moving on from making wrong choices in life. 

I guess in life. There are a lot of choices. A lot of possibilities. What if i do this, what will be the end result? What if i dont? Again. Endless end results by making a certain choice. Thats the beauty of life. You cant see what lies ahead unless you make the brave choice. The final move. 

Yet, life goes on for us to correct all the wrong choices we have made. Its another beauty of it. Its a process of moving on. Moving forward. And the process of having opportunities and choices starts all over again. Its a cycle. Its running again and again and again. 

I have plans of traveling to Bantayan Island a week from now. This time. Alone.  Though i have been traveling a lot alone. This will be the first time that i will be alone in the entire trip. From going there, staying and going back. Most of the time, i just travel alone but will often times meet some old friends when I get to a certain place. But this time. I plan to just be alone. No plans of meeting other friends. No plans of bringing anyone. No plans of meeting anyone. For now at least. 

Listening to this song. I can think of a few people. One of which is Miguel. I was happy with him. But we was gone too soon. Its endless regrets i will forever carry. 

Sometimes. All I want is just to be happy. Being alone is sad. Having someone might not be bad after all. 

Though I have some friends to be with. I guess having someone to grow old with is a bit different. And having that someone is just too impossible. Not now. Not ever. 

Im a kind of guy that is hopeless romatic. I believe in "spark". I dont want to just settle for the purpose of settling. I want to  be with the person who sees me beyond what others see. I believe in mutual understanding. Relationship for me is a two way process. 

The last time I really felt inlove. I got HIV. I guess im that into that person. I guess i ruined my life for believing too much in love. 

I wish reality is just like what i see in movies. That traveling would soon heal a broken heart. 

I wish i never knew what love is. I wish I never really felt the pain. I wish finding love is as easy as 1,2,3. I wish for everything to just be over. I wish. 

-Z

March homecoming

Recalling the last time I was home for a long time was during highschool. After highschool. I went to a boarding school for college and stayed in a dormitory for 4 years. Post college life was only about 4 months then I started working in the corporate world about an hour away from home. So ill be mostly home on the weekends for about 7 months. Right after ny first job. I was a bum for another 5 months and finally moved here in Cebu. 

Its been 3 years. A lot has changed. And going back home for good this time has a lot of uncertainty. Has a lot of gitters. 

I dont know how people would react seeing how sickly i have become sinxe they last saw me. About 3 years ago or so. I dont know what stories will soon circulate. What to expect basically.

The change in me physically is what bothers me the most. The scars. The allergies. The very much rapid and obvious, one of a kind weight loss only a dumb person would fail to notice. 

My folks back home still dont have any idea about me being HIV positive. I just dont know how to tell them. They just have a lot of expectations from me. I guess being here in Cebu was a bit of a rebound. Since I can just hide. But i cant hide forever. I will soon have to face reality and old time friends and acquaintances back home. 

Going home this march. I have to face the reality that one of my cousins from the US will go home for some family memeber's highschool graduation including that of my sisters.  And being in the medical field for so long. I dont know how to hide all my scars. I dont know what alibi to tell him. I just dont know. 

I started the year being strong. But sometimes. When you talk about family, its when reality starts to kick in. Its when everything seems to fall apart. For some, their families are their very own support system. But for me, its my closest friends. I have never really felt any support coming from my cousin or cousin in law since last year. I have never really felt the concern. I have never really felt the feeling of belongingness. 

Going back home means all business for my mom. She expects me to perform and finally take over the family business and i have to live with that expectation. I have to leave it all behind. Leave all the worries. Leave all the anxienty about my health. I just have to take a good grip of reality and just be strong as ever. I know i can. After going through a lot already. I feel that i have come a long way. 

Others may not see what i have become. But thats not important. I choose to live my life. I am the one making choices accdg to what God wants me to do. Its all upto Him. His will be done always. 

I will soon die. Its a fact i cannot escape. But I am living my life to the fullest everyday. 

-Z

My 6 hour stay with Miguel

Had a very busy day yesterday. Going from one place to another. Endless wait for doctors. Hospitals. Walking. 

But my 6 hour stay with Miguel was all worth it.

For those who knows me well. Im a person who likes to do things alone. Im very OC. I like things planned and organized. But im a kind of person who doesnt really want to meet people i dont know. Its really not my thing. If i do to a new place. I should have google maps opened. Everything should be in order. 

But I went out of my way yesterday going to Miguel's wake. After finishing a lot of hospital errands. I took a cab and just told the driver where I want to go. I basically dont know where the place is. But what I have in mind that time is only to pay respect to Miguel and his family. 

I found myself in the busy streets of Colon since the cab driver dropped me off somewhere different. 

Walked a few blocks. Asked a few people. Heart pounding. Dont know what to expect. What to say to his family. 

As I reach St. Peters where his cremated remains lay. I met his brother at the door playing the guitar. His father is near his cremated remains surrounded by his pictures and a lot of white flowers. It was in a small room. Place was a bit old and rusty. I can feel the saddness as I entered the place. His brother greeted me with a smile and still with a teary eyed. Shook my hand and ask "are you a friend of Miguel?" I just simply said yes without looking at him and just looking at the podium where his remains are. 

Without any hesitation. He said "naa na si Miguel, (pointing to his remains) wala na sya. Luoy kaayo akong brother" (translation: theres Miguel, already gone, i feel sorry for my brothers loss)

I was speehless I just could not say a word. He introduced me to his father. I shook his hand. And ask me the same question "friends mo ni Miguel". I just nooded. 

I sat down. His brother kept me company. Telling me about the last moments he had with Miguel. I tried to keep calm and hold my tears. I looked at his eyes. I can feel the pain. He just kept on saying "plangga ko kaayo akong brother." - "i really love my brother". I told him how good of a friend Miguel is to me. I told him how Miguel loved his family so much. His father just simply glanced and then look away. 

After a few minutes, miguel's sister came. The one he would always mention in our conversation. The one whom he dearly loved so much. As we were introduced. Tears began to fall as I tell her sister that Miguel has always been talking about her. We both cried, she asked "what did my brother tell you". It took me a while to answer her as I was in a lot of pain. I cried for a few minutes. We both did. She hugged me. I told her everything Miguel shared with me months ago. 

I even let her read our conversation saved in my phone. All she can do is nod and wipe her tears away as she reads our conversation about her. She keeps on saying "tama jud" - "this is really right"

Miguel was really a family guy. A great provider to his family. A selfless guy willing to sacrifice even his studies just to let her sister finish college. 

Soon after, his mother and cousin came. We were again introduced. I feel sorry seeing her mother cry for the loss of his beloved son. Ive never seen such pure and painful emotion so upclose. As she sits on one corner, she keeps on crying murmuring how things would never be the same while saying "oh miguel, miguel, miguel" we all keep crying. I felt the warmth of her family comfort me as well. They were really in pain for Miguel's sudden passing away. 

About an hour has passed as we continue to all remember and share how Miguel touched our lives, another set of friends came. Unlike me, who is alone that time. There were 2 people came. Still welcomed by his brother sitting near the door while im with his sister and his mother sitting a little bit far from us. 

As those two new people entered and saw Miguel's picture all over. Tears began to fall. Miguel's mom was so kind enough to comfort them as well. 

I stayed until the service ended. Around past 9pm. 

Went out and wandered the scary streets of colon looking for a cab. But for some reason i just cant think of how scared i was that time. I guess i was just lost for emotion. Aside from the saddness I feel. 

I know you can read this Migs. We all miss you. 

-Z