Hassle

I just lost my phone. Its 3 in the morning. And I'm still up. Traumatized with what happened.

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Health update Dec 23, 2014

So whats new with my health?

Early sunday morning. I was a little feverish. I had to stay home. Slept for about 13 hours. Woke up around 2am and started to feel hungry and craved for mcdonalds. So off I went to JY square to grab something to eat.

And since that day. Ive been experiencing on and off lower abdominal pain. It bothers me, not to think about the fact that I might need to have myself checked and do some few sets of laboratory test again. But what bothers me most is the fact that we are in the midst of the Holiday season where everybody is just too busy with everything.

Its 3:08am on a wee tuesday morning. And i cant imagine how many times have i gone to the bathroom. Im thinking that it might just be some mild case of constipation. But if you have HIV+ you shouldn't be complacent with just a mild constipation since we- PLHIV dont really have enough too boost our immune system.

Worst things to worst. I don't want to be under medication or to be in the hospital thinking that its the almost Christmas, New Year and Sinulog.

I duno. I havent really had fun in such a long time. And being with friends on an EDM event would just give me a lot of reasons to sime just for a few hours.

As OC as i am. Already made reservations here and there for almost all sinulog events.

Anyway. Going back. This lower abdominal pain has to stop.

Aside from that, I've noticed that my vision is a little bit blurry. I started to notice it last month when we had the Annual Physical exams at work where I was having trouble reading those letters from a reasonable distance with a reasonable font.

Well, this may not be from HIV or anything. Thinking that im almost in front of a computer almost everyday for the last few years coz of work. But this is something ill have to have checked as well.

So there you go. Aside from skin allergies. Please welcome- lower abdominal pain, and blurry vision to the family. And oh dont forget depression.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Random Email. (First help given)

Received an email from someone a few days ago. Never really thought that this blog would go that far. I mean- reaching out to other people. I blog just for the sake of keeping my close friends updated if they want to know whats going on. But to help some stranger out? Well, at first that was the primary reason but i figured i was the one needing help. But if helping people out would be God's ways of letting his people closer to Him? Then why not.

So here goes.....

What sort of problems are you having with your results? Is that the CD4 result or the confirmatory result?

If you already got the confirmatory results and it hows REACTIVE, the next step you should do is to find an ID (infec disease) dr. After that, she will have you scheduled for a CD4 test in Vicente Sotto that usually happens every last friday of the month. The results will be out within a week. If your cd4 count is 350 and below then thats the time where you have to start taking ARV medications. But if its 350+ then your doctor will probably require you to do some lab test to check for possible OI (opportunistic infection) if there are any. But supposedly everything is fine. Then all you have to do is change youe life style and have a healthy living. Taking vitamins and keeping fit would do. And staying away from anything stressful. I've known a lot of people that havent started medications yet for years after diagnosis and they continue to increase their cd4 count.

Regarding your question if the medication helps. Well that depends. HIV is a case to case basis. The meds depend on the virus in you and how your body reponds to the prescribed meds, your doctor will be able to give you meds based on your lab results should your cd4 be lower than 350.

For most people, the ARVs are really a great help. It could take time though. But you should really be very cautious in taking your meds on time in the first 3 months. You should take it exactly on the time prescribed to you by your doctor. Not a second late. Thats the key in increasing your cd4 count. ARVs are only treatments, they dont cure the virus. They only suppress the vius that you have.

Taking ARVs? Its not the easiest thing to do. Aside from multiple alarms everyday. You have to also get used to its side effects.

So i suggest if you are not yet on ARVs, dont plan or even wish to take them. Keep healthy as long as possible.

For me, i used to say that ARVs might make my allergies go away. But as you know it. It didnt work. My first cd4 last dec 2013 was at 602. Then last June 2014 it dropped to 345 thats why i had to take ARVs last July 2014. Supposedly, im about to take my next CD4 count test this month but DOH has no schedule yet. So ill probably take them next month once the schedule is already out.

Side effects of my meds are NOT OKAY. Esp the effavirenz. Its a drug that i resent taking everyday since July. (Im not scaring you, im just being honest). It makes me dizzy for hours. The feeling of being drugged, hang over, and everything spinning around you, the feeling of litteraly hot, and my saliva tastes weird too during the first few months.

But now, im slowly adjusting to it. Getting dizzy is still there. Being dizzy 10x more than the usual. But im coping up with it.

My other 2 arvs dont have any side effects at all.

However, i know a few people having NO side effects with effavirenz. Like NONE at all. So again, the meds varies from one person to another.

ARVs does it help? In my case i dont know yet since from last Jun's cd4 of only 345. I dont know if my cd4 increased after about 6 months of taking arvs. But seeing all my lab results are a little bit pleasing. My WBC are up and everything seems to be going back to normal. Im starting to gain weight too, slowly but surely.

Hope this helps.




-Z



Email me at: iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

posted from Bloggeroid

Pre Sinulog thoughts

Just let me feel good that week. Just let my allergies go away that week. I just want all my worries to go away that week. All I need is just simply that weekend to be the best weekend ever.

I have always been an avid fan of EDM. Its a coachella kind of party that im so hooked with right now.

There are a lot of misconception about EDM. Others say its all about getting wasted. But for me, its the appreciation if genre. Its 2014. And genres don't just stop from classical to pop.

EDM- electronic dance music. Is often referred to as a rave party. Well, It is. But the real thing about EDM is it is really a concert. Just like any other rock concert out there.

More than looking forward to going home for new year and missing work on a critical work day. I think I just don't care anymore. Id rather be home for this season. This might be my last new year. Who knows right? I'm just living the most out of it.

Im just hoping I wont get depressed that Sinulog weekend. Seeing a lot of good looking people here and there.

Last year was a BLAST! I waited for a year for this again. And I can't let anyone ruin it. Though most bacolod and manila friends wont be going here. I honestly don't know who to go out with.

But oh well, let it be, hoping to be really enjoy. I haven't in a very long time.




-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Selfish People around me

"Keep on fighting" "Don't give up"

Those were just some of the words from my friends. But do they really mean it? Do they even realize what I have to suffer everyday just because they want me to STILL FIGHT FOR MY LIFE?

Do they even realize just because im not giving up, doesn't mean im not in pain emotionally and physically.

One word: SELFISHNESS!

I find people telling me not to give up SELFISH.

Its only for their own benefit. Something they can be happy about. I don't want to fight anymore. I want all my suffering to END already. I want the pain to go away. I want the emotional baggage away. They say the answer is simple. That I should just leave it all to God. Yes! Surprisingly. I know. But what if His plans are different? What if His plans are not the usual plans He has for people like me, for a dying person like me.

I know my posts are very much contradicting. Some days, im very much postive about fighting. But there are more days where Giving Up is the only way.

I want to give up because I am tired. I want to give up because I dont want to feel insecurity everyday. I want to give up because if I fight for it, WHAT WILL I GET? ---- more suffering, EVERYDAY.

There are a lot of stories about people like me. Dying. But are there stories about those who are left behind? Not much eh? I guess because when a person die. Its only a matter of time when those left behind will be able to move on with their lives. Like you just never existed. Its like personally, if i die today. After a month or so, everything will be the same again to those who are left behind.

They say they read this blog. That im not even sure. If they do. They shouldve already known by now how suicidal I am. Yet they DO NOTHING.

What if i do IT? What if i end myself?

I guess theres no one to blame but those people left behind not doing their job to really have me stay but instead just keep on saying " DON'T GIVE UP".

Let me ask you, if i dont give up, whats in it for YOU? BUT for me, if i still keep on fighting -- its an everyday EMOTIONAL PAIN. EVERYDAY.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Those who know as of Dec 16, 2014

I am getting paranoid as WE are growing in numbers.

Im deeply grateful that there are a lot of people praying for me. But at the same time. I am also paranoid that the information about me being HIV+ would soon be out of control. So let me just start from the very first few people to know about my status.

Aside from all my doctors (ID, cardio, pulmo, 2 derma, allergologist, internl med) =7 doctors

Cebu church cell group = 2

My 3 college best buddies and 1 barkada =4

College friends abroad = 2

The giver of HIV and his partner= 2

Home friends = 13

Cousin and cousin in law= 2

My immediate mgr= 1

Other PLHIV ive meet in cebu and support group= 5


I don't know if i miss out a few people. But so far. These are the only people I've given permission to know about my status.

If you are one of those listed above. Please have the respect to let me know if you are planning to let someone know about my status or if you have let someone know about my status. I am not mad since I know that those people you have shared my status with are people i am PLANNING to tell anyway. But just please let me know once they are already aware about me.

For now. Aside from my immediate family. I only have PLANS to tell one ex officemate and the rest of my college barkada. Aside from them i have no plans of disclosing my status. Thank You!



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Are you going to throw that stone at me?

I've been wanting to blog about this post I saw in facebook about a month ago. The screen print has long been saved in my phone that I may constantly be reminded to share my thoughts about it.

It gets me thinking. I could not say anything bad to this pastor. For God said, that we should not go against His people- those who speak His word. Romans 13:2 "Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves".

I have not heard this pastors arguement about those with HIV/Aids. I might break down and might have evil thoughts. So its better if I should not hear them. But just based on this pastors statements. It saddens me. That God's servant is just so cruel in judging US. Yes. People with HIV.

No one should judge people just based on what they believe in. Only God can judge and can see the deeper meaning of whats happening in our lives.

I cant seem to find the words to write right now. Its just really sad to think that there are people out there wanting to kill us just because we have HIV. Just because we are not pure. I remember John 8:7 "When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her".

I have a cousin who is a pastor. We never really talk. We barely even acknowlegde each other. But what if he has the same views as this pastor? I will be broken hearted. The church is supposed to be a house for the sinners. A house for those who are down and weary. Those who needs help. If everyone in the church is righteous, then there is surely something wrong.

Jesus in choosing his disciples did not chose those who are highly recognized in the society. He chose fishermen, normal people, even tax collector, he dined with sinners and prostitute and shared the gospel with them. He did not come to those who praised themselves. He came to those who humbled themselves that they may be praised in the house of God.

I am a sinner. No matter how I avoid them everyday. I still sin. By thoughts, by actions. Thats what separates me from God. But God has given me Jesus. Who died in the cross for my all my sins. By His grace i am saved. And by faith I believe that I am saved by the blood of Christ.

Now tell me? If this pastor is really convicted about killing those gay people living with HIV. Let him be the first one to throw a stone at me if he himself have not sinned.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Reading the Bible

In every suffering, there is only one comfort that I can depend on. And that is the comfort that God brings. Every single day.

I feel ashamed to admit that I grew up in the church. With all the sunday school, church camps, yet I did not grew spiritually. I was a fool to disobey God and his commandments. I knew the basics, but never really pondered on them. I knew the bible verses by mind, but never really sought after them by heart. Its was just until then, that I find comfort in the word of God. It was until I have nothing that I took delight in reading the Bible.

I ask God to sustain the faithfulness that is in me right now. For with my own might, I cannot do this all alone.

Reading the bible again from the book of Gensis makes me realize a lot of things. I have so many questions now. I have so many realizations after reading the story of Adam and Eve. Cain and Abel. Noah. Seth. Abraham. Isaac. Down to Moses. Their struggle against all nations. Their faithfulness and disobedience. Everything in between. As I ponder upon every story. I can't help myself but do side research on every story. I guess it only shows how interested i really am in knowing the word of God.

But the story that shed tears to me was the story of Joseph the dreamer. After his brothers betrayed him. I just cant help but be amazed on how faithful he is to the word of God.

Its ironic that people would see dying people turn to God. I guess its because when your days are numbered. Its only when you realized how blessed you are no matter what. Its only when you realized a lot of things that life itself is all about Jesus. On how He saved us from our sins. How His grace is just overflowing for a sinner like us.

Aside from reading the bible from Gensis. Im also watching the series called The Bible. It helped me imagine things on everything that was written.

I am not without sin. I sin. Everyday. But I have been blessed and I humbled myself before the Lord everyday asking for forgiveness. Truly, I am unworthy of everything but He is still blessing me everyday.

Jesus is real. He is moving within me. And no one could separate me from Him. People may judge my relationship with Him. Even my cousin questions my relationship with God. But that would not stop me from growing spiritually. Only God sees the desires of my heart. Only He knows whats on my mind everyday. Only He knows the relationship I have with Him. No other people can judge me with that.

We have all been called to different purpose. Mine might be fulfilled once I die. I dont know. But I just pray that people reading this blog would soon realize that Jesus is coming. That His words are true. We all have different ways to bless people. I believe God gave me HIV not as a punishment but as a testament of how he uses people that others may believe and follow him.

I will never get tired of learning from the word of God until my last breath. Lord. Help me to be faithful.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

No CD4 schedule

So what im i up to in this lazy monday morning? Lets see.

My mind was half functioning doing some errands after a call I made to have my CD4 count schedule.

It will be my 3rd cd4 cout supposedly this month to monitor if the meds im taking is somehow making my immune system function at par with those normal people.

But to my surprise. The nurse in the hub told me. Dept of Health have not given them any schedule yet for this month.

So its just great. Esp for people like me depending on those treatments. No matter how much money you have. They are all government controlled. From meds to treatments to all other stuff related to HIV. With just the exception of vitamins and all other prescription aside from the anti retroviral theraphy drugs.

After hearing the news. Off i went to make some errands. Paying bills. Making deposits. Checking some post business plans and all others. I find myself very stressed out after 2 hours of going here and there.

So here I am now. Taking a break from the life outside HIV. Dont know how will this DOH stupidity contribute to my health. But it is what it is. We- PLHIV just have to deal with how crappy our government is here in the philippines.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Weekend sentiments over love

I'm not usually a fan of OPM. I've never been really nationalistic in a way. I've never listened to Original Pilipino Music for such a long time. But now, im listening to this playlist in spotify. It has evolved into something really great. Though its odd for me to sing in Filipino or even hum about it with the lyrics I know, bottom line, im starting to appreciate it.

At almost 2am on a post sunday typhoon Ruby scene. Im sitting in the fire exit of our building. Over looking IT park, clouds still dark, winds still strong, city lights sparkling intermittently before my eyes, as I contemplate whats on my mind.

So whats really on my mind?

Im actually scared of growing alone. As I think of my situation and the future. Which is still uncertain to date. It kept me thinking who will I be with for the rest of my remaining life should my life be extended after my 50's 60's or who knows until my 80's.

The thought of love or having a partner never really came into my mind until i found myself in youtube tryna find some new songs online.

I guess in my situation where it takes guts to accept and to meet new people. It will be impossible.

Earlier today, mom sent me a message of how excited she is of me going home because of her new business proposals. Im not going to assume that she will finally put the business into my name but even if it doesn't. I would still take the full responsibility of running the family business come early next year. Its a legacy of my mom i dont want to die.

But who will be with me by my side running it? She has tita and me along with her now. But if they're all gone. Its just going to be me and my little sister. Who i cant force to stay if she wishes to persue a different career.

So am i looking for a partner or a business pal? I guess that answer will be a little bit of both.

Should i grow old alone. I dont know. I guess it is what it is.

As I glaze upon the dark blue sky. Lord wherever that person might me. Please lewd that person to me or lead me to that person before the time runs out. In your time. Amen.


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Weekend Depression

As the week ends. And as the busy work day comes to an end during the week. My mind would normally be clear. I wont be busy. Its very relaxing. But why don't i love it?

Sometimes, I just need to be busy all the time. I need to preoccupy myself with a lot of work. Just to avoid weekend depression. Sadly, it contradicts to the lifestyle that I should be living. I should take as much rest as much as possible. Stress is a big NO. It lowers down my slowly dying immune system.

I woke up today with a simple prayer for the upcoming typhoon that would probably hit later today or early tomorrow. Went to the nearest 7/11 to buy some stuff incase I get stuck with no food in the building. Usual get up - shorts, shirt and jacket. I don't go out without wearing anything that would cover my arms. If you happen to know me well. Im a beach bum. Anything beachy is to die for. Sandos are my ultimate fave even if im not lean at all. Twink as they call it. So thin esp now. But I would still pull it off. But now is different.

As I went down to eat breakfast, elevator would normally have someone from the upper floors going down as well. And i would ALWAYS look down. And feel sorry for myself. I have this guy crush in the 8th floor. Dont get me wrong. I admire him simply because he is very good looking. He dress so good. Dont let yourself be confused with how admiration would really mean.

To my surprise as i went down. He was there. Always looking at his best. And me? Looking like someone who is recovering from chicken pox.

Its sad how it ruins your day just like that. I admire a lot of people. Again. All earthly desires.

You know whats sad about having HIV? Its not really the physical pain. 90% of it is really the emotional baggage you have to live with everyday for the rest of your life. Seeing people around me. Ironically, i would look at their arms. I admire them. Simple things. Im not lossing hope of getting my skin back. Even if its like moving a mountain. But God promised me something better. Its hard to hold on to that. Very hard.

I wonder how it feels like to feel good about yourself again? I wonder how it feels like to be handsome? To be attractive? I could only wonder and sit at the corner of my room and blog about it.

I cry because i feel sorry for myself. What have I done with my life Lord? Why have you forsaken me?


-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

Exactly a year after being diagnosed

Tomorrow- Dec 4, 2014. Will be my one year anniversary after being diagnosed with HIV. It seems like yesterday that I had a lot of dreams, a lot of years full of future plans, a lot of unimaginable ambitions, things to do, bucket lists of the millions ill be making when i finally establish myself as a business mogul.

But now, its all about living one day at a time. Living a single day as happy and simple as possible. Not knowing what tomorrow may bring. Not knowing how many years, months, days i have left. Not knowing what dreams to reach, what dreams are still attainable with my condition. A lot has changed since then. I became a humble person before my fellow and most importantly before God.

He took everything from me. And to that i am grateful. Coz if i still have my life before which is close to perfection, I would not have realized how much i needed Him. I would not have realized that apart from him, i am nothing.

Everyday is still a struggle. A struggle of acceptance. Its a battle I have to conquer everyday as I wake up and as i put myself to sleep. Everyday I have to accept that life would never be the same again. But along with the struggle is a great fullfilment and humility that comes along with it. As I struggle. The more I experience that i need God in my life. The more i became closer to Him. I think that is what life is all about.

He took away everything for a reason. For Him to be magnified in my life. That others may see how good of a Father He is. That others too will believe and be saved.



This is how my skin looks like after a year of non stop medication. And non stop allergy. I've spent nearly 60,000 since last year going from one doctor to another. Taking meds and lab test here and there.

It makes me realize how proud of a person I was before. Always on top of everything but God humbled me by giving me a skin like this. That I have to always remember that He is the ultimate God above all other material things on Earth.

Everyday, i tell myself its getting better. Its going away. Its getting clearer. My skin is getting better. Everyday im telling myself that I would soon wear a short sleeve shirt in public. Testify how I have been healed by God. How I have been healed by Him physically and spiritually.

I know everything will be better in His time. And by that time I know im already sitting beside Him in heaven. Amen Lord I say to all of these. Praise be Your name! That through my life, others will believe, will be thankful, will be more faithful to you. That even a sinner like me. A proud person like me. A guy full of allergies like me is still blessed by You. If this is how you use me Lord for others to be saved, let Your will be done. Let this be a testament of how your Grace is more than enough to me My Lord.

Amen.


-Z

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