My 1:30am Thoughts

Wide awake and its almost 1:30am. I think i need help. I have always been depressed. Depression is something that has not left me since 2013. 

I dont want to end up killing myself in the long run. 

The Servant Leader Route

I have always imagined myself as a business mogul. I've imagined myself years back wearing coat and tie, jet setting from one place to another for meetings. Long waits in the airport. The typical metro guy. 

And im so blessed to have turned that vision into reality. 

I've experienced how its like to do most if not all of my dreams while I was young. 

Working in the corporate world gave me the opportunity to reach my dreams. And im forever thankful. 

Now its a little different. With the life i am now living. Its a whole new experience. 

I am the boss. But at the same time. I do the dirty work. I remember reading a book about how to be a servant leader. A book given to me by my cousin when i was in highschool. 

Its somehow a shame that it took me almost 10 years to realize how its really like to be a servant leader. Not just to God. But to my fellow as well. 

I've never imagined myself going to work in my house clothes. Shirt, shorts, slippers and im all set. Ive always thought of myself wearing that business casual look. 

But its very humbling. 

Ive nevet felt so contented.

Its not the scene that im so used to. But its something i love doing. 

Getting dirty with feeds, fertilizer bags, chemical bottles, veterinary meds. 

I haven't imagined myself doing something that most of my workers does. But the feeling of doing it? Superb! I want to make them feel that im not just their boss. Im also their colleague. 

There is a lot to learn. For just nearly 2 months. I have zeroed out the overdafts and losses a few weeks ago. 3 weeks and counting to be exact with. 

The business is slowly going back in shape. And its all by God's amazing grace. I sometimes feel bad if i think more about the money. But its just amazing on how God will just provide everytime. 

I want to be servant leader to my employees. Everyday is an opportunity to be a light to them. 

Again, I have A LOT to learn. But with the work im doing now. Its very laid back. Its not the typical corporate setting. But rather a place for farmers and hacienderos. Dealing with 2 different people is very challenging. But ive never felt so happy. 

Everyday is not a perfect day. But everyday is a day to learn and to feel blessed. 

Thank You Lord! 

PS Pictures of my actual work will be posted tomorrow.

-Z

That 3am Conversation

I have finally opened up everything i want to share with my friends last night. Not in every details. But just a glimpse of whats normally on my mind- Fam Business, Health, Family relationship, Future plans and all that. 

Went with M & S last night to watch some show and had some late night walk on the way home. They stayed in my room for the night. We slept around 3am just catching up with everything that is happening. M&S are my mentors. Not perfect but always there when i need them. We may have lapses but i know thry are my valued friends from the very start. I was thankful for the experience last night. All my thoughts were finally spoken. Everything finally was released. From what was going on to the things that are still happening. 

I couldnt thank them enough for spending the night with me. Little gestures means so much! 

Since earlier today i was late at work. I had to catch my breathe working with a lot of things. Good thing the business earlier was doing good despite of a slight downfall from last weeks sale due to some local festivities. Hoping to get back on track this week. 

So what else is going on? 

I have a canker sore. One in the tongue and the other one is just inside my mouth. Left side corner. I honestly dont know how to describe it. But its the first time that im bothered by this. It maybe because of stress or just part of my degrading health. 

Went to meet some friends earlier as well. And im glad they noticed how much weight ive gained since the last time. 

Baby steps and we will get there. 

I also noticed that my arms are getting better. Not totally but i can see some results. 

Im thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to travel, to feel good about myself again, to share my thoughts, to be a friend for some people. I know im not perfect and that there are still a lot of things to be done in my life but im taking everyday one day at a time. 

So the odd thing happened earlier as well. If you read my prev blog. "A" actually messaged me. Indirectly asking me to go out. Basically, it wasnt a question if i want to come. It was more of a "letting me know" that they're going out. 

Although i really find him nice and ideally perfect. The feeling was not the same as before. And im actually thankful. No expectations. No assumptions. Its better that way. Not closing the doors for possibilities. But not giving it a deeper meaning as well. I guess thats how being busy can do to you. 

Now im a little feverish. Still not able to eat well coz of my canker sore. But praying that this is nothing serious. 

Everyday im thankful for "one more day" not always perfect but a reason to reallt be thankful for. 

-Z

Get to know the person who made me happy, unconsciously

So this blog is all about A. Who the hell is A? 

Met him around October of 2011 while I was reviewing for my lesson during product training- CVG days. I can clearly remember how exactly I saw him. It was around 2-3am and im starring at this window outside the room with my green sterling notebook in a freezing hallway then this innocent looking guy passed by and entered the training room next to ours. 

That day. I know there was something about him. He resembles S so much to me. 

Everything after day was about silent stalking and all that. And dec of 2011. After cvg Christmas Party. We all went out and went to DugOut. And he was there too. Somehow we were introduced. And so the friendship began. 

Started facebooking with him the morning after Dec 17 or Dec 18, 2011. Started texting and started to really be good friends. We both share almost the same interest. Booze, Edms, and Volleyball to name a few or most of our convos. 

No one really had the guts to make the first move. I guess it was deeply friendship after all. I was happy. And im assuming he is too. Until some rumor in the office started to spread like wildfire about us being "together". And that He (A) betrayed me or something. It was all too blurry. Something like that happened. 

I honestly became cold on him a few months after because I know deep within me that I was already feeling something for him. And i dont want to disappoint myself to know that the feeling is not mutual. So i started to distance myself and started being cold to just avoid the pain or to avoid falling for him more. 

Then that issue came up. We were both shocked with the rumors. We never had a relationship aside from the friendship we had. It wasn't more than that. We dont even talk personally. 

But time did heal it all. We would still chat from time to time and check on each other. Esp about volleyball. 

But last saturday was different. I was able to really talk to him. I was able to somehow take care of him while he was so drunk. 

It was the first time that we talked in public or even had our pictures taken together just the two of us. It was the first time i was that close to him. The first time i was able to hold his hand. Caress his wet hair. Buy him water to sober him up. It was the first time he put his arms around me for group pictures. A lot of it really means a lot to me. 

I know he may not feel the same thing. But he made me happy. I was and still happy because of that. 

We are friends. And its enough. Im past the point where im still expecting us to be more than that. Or so i thought. 

Spent the last minutes earlier reading our prev convos. His random msgs to check on me if i post all my "kadramahan" status on facebook or twitter. He was and still is a very good friend. 

That night while i was taking care of him. I remember pulling out my own handkerchief to dry him up. But i honestly forgot to get it back. 

He left me with so many thoughts and memories. But i left him with my handkerchief. At least i can stay the least he still has a part of me even if its ------unconsciously

- Z

Walls were broken. Relationships restored.

Last saturday night was a blast. It started very boring. I even tweeted how boring my night was until around past midnight when DJ MOD started to play some of the craziest drops ever. 

Went out with my great cvg friends. My party-go-to friends. I really had a great time with D. She was so nice to even let me stay at her apartment to savor a few hours of sleep right after Lovedance. 

With the help of our little friend Jose Cuervo. The night went so wild. Saw some pictures the morning after and it was kind of blurry how i even had those pictures! It was one hell of a night out with awesome friends. 

I've been good friends with D since cvg days around 4 years ago. Distance never ruined our friendship. I would often meet up with her in Boracay or somewhere off of Iloilo or Bacolod for some edm parties or just a quick coffee chat to catch up. She really went out of her way to make me happy that night after her finding out my status a few months back. And for that im extremely thankful. 

Finally went back to Art District in the longest time and had a nice time with familiar faces. 

That night, broken friendships were restored between D and L. Some new "open" friendship was sort of built between me and A. It was all worth ut. 

Ive known A also around 4yrs ago in cvg. We were in the same department. 

We used to really be good friends and often text eachother or send facebook msg back in the days until some rumor came out and eventually it became a little awkward for us both. 

Though we've been friends for a long time. We haven't really talked in public. We were just good cyber friends to avoid rumors and all that.

But last night was different. I guess it was time to break that wall and just set free. 

I ended up nursing him for a few hours. Again. Thanks to our good friend Jose Cuervo! Lol! 

The morning after. I woke up still feeling groggy and decided to have some brunch with D. 

Later that day. Went to see some good childhood friends for some catching up and ended going to some ranch up north of the city. It was amazing! 

Spent about a few hours talking about memories and every random stuff in between. 

The place was just before Campuestohan Mountain Resort. Still not fully developed. But a good place to chill, read a book or something. 

My weekend was superb! Had a great time with friends and it gave me more reason to live life. 

It wasn't about any imprefections. Its all about making everything seem perfect. I couldn't ask for more. 

Thank You Lord! 

-Z

Pre LoveDance thoughts

Pre lovedance thoughts? 

Its a simple way of enjoying what I really love to do ever since. 

Going out with friends. Great company, great food, eargasmic music. I couldn't really ask for more. 

I have been working darn hard for the past month. Countless sleepless nights trying to figure out new ways on how to be an effective manager. 

Im really a dreamer. I have high expectations for myself. I always have this vision of myself being a really sucessful business mogul. But getting there means a lot of hard work. 

Nothing in life really comes easy. 

More than just being a boss. I myself, am trying to experience what its like to be in the shoes of my employees. Doing even the things im not really used to. Doing stuff that would most likely put my health at risk. Thinking that we're dealing with fertilizers/chemicals everyday. 

I figured that if ill be in this industry for good. I would be having this scars/allergies that would always be visible to most people. 

Going back. Im really excited tomorrow. I know its not really much. But its been a while since the last time i went out and really had fun. 

I just want to feel good about myself. I want to be free from all the stress at work for just the weekend. I want to just scream my voice so loud to the bass drop of the dj playing my fave Edms. I want to raise my hands up and be carefree. I miss that feeling so bad. 

I miss being with people my age. 

Most of the time. Im dealing with very business minded individuals. Doing deals here and there. Its just really stressing me out. 

Working for my mom is nothing but a pain in the ass. Like seriously. I think i got the controller instinct from her. 

Its just so odd that she lets me handle the family business. But still does not let me speak my mind. I still dont have any say about anything. Its basically still her handling it. Im just her puppet. I want to do a lot more. But i couldnt because it will always be a NO. 

I guess thats basically the main reason why i really wanted to establish my own business. But i cant persue my own dreams thinking that they would again lack manpower in the shop. 

I gave up my blossoming career in Cebu for my mom. 

Looking back. Ive always followed her. From the piano lessons, swimming class, saturday stay in the shop when i was young. To what school to go during high school. Upto college. From what course to take and even approves what company ill be in. I always consult everything with her. If she said NO. I always follow. Not all the time though. But most of the time. 

I never had regrets though. I did benefit from a lot of it. I wouldnt be the man i am now if it wasnt for her strict upbringing. 

But sometimes, i just want to reach my own dreams too. 

If it was my way since the start, i really wanted to be a psychiatrist or a broadcast com major. I wanted to be in the advertising industry or anything related to journalism or media prod or events. Its where im good at. And i bet she doesnt even know. 

I wanted to go to UP or Ateneo for college. 

I wanted to be in BDO a year ago since they were recruiting me to be part of their mktg team. But my mom said to to stay in jpmc. 

Like earlier today. While going home. I decided to drive since i know she's also tired from working. But even my driving skills are still not okay with her. 

Sometimes. I just dont know where to put myself. 

Im afraid that one day. I'll just grow tired to saying yes to her. I guess this shows of how little we know about each other. 

- Z

Pre LoveDance thoughts

If you are an avid reader of my blog, or if you happen to really know me. You should know by now that I am a HUGE fan of Coachella-ish EDM kind of Music Festivals. 

Its a misconception that its all about drinking and party and stuff. Its totally NOT. 

Its basically a music festival. Something im very much into when it comes to mysic genre. 

So since im already home. I might as well try what its like to experience their so called LoveDance here. Its not that I have very high expectations. But I've been to a lot of music festivals already. Manila, Boracay, Cebu. Just to name some popular places of music festivals. 

Im not really sure if it will be some kind of a downgrade from the edm parties im used to. But hey, as long as you have a great drop and if you're with your good friends, anything fun can happen. 

Decided to tag along with one of my good friend - D. We've been friends since Cvg days. And the good part is, she already knows my status. So no more hiding. 

Im also still friends with other ex-officemates. If you want to have a good time at any music festivals. They are my go-to-friends. 

But this time will be a little different. I dont know if i can still be myself with them thinking that they might notice some scars in me. 

But then again, its still me. 

Listening to Edm makes me very happy,  it makes me forget all the stress i have to face everyday. Its my ultimate fave. 🙌

I tried to tag along my little sister who will be going to college this June. But decided to cancel the last minute. 

I will be seeing good old friends i havent seen for years. 

I gained weight, thats a good thing. But i just hope they would still see me as me. Not as someone different physically. 

Lets see what happens. 

- Z