That Oligarch in Me

I sometimes would know if I had to blog something if I'll start to talk to myself. That would be the perfect time to let it all out and publish it before it even goes away. 

Being always bored after work and having no social life for quite a while now. My routine would usually be Home-Work-Home. All week long. And on sundays, I would usually either stay home the entire day and complain on how bored I am or go out and drive somewhere unknown. 

What I would usually do after work, I would check my phone. Reply to work emails, check social media, reply to few text messages, back read viber group chats and all that. But what would really take most of my time is watching random youtube videos. I am forever a fan of any documentaries that interest me. Its my way of expanding my knowledge and awareness to what is really happening. And keeping myself updated to almost everything. 

This past few days, remembering the death of Ninoy Aquino I started my own research about it. I know that it was taught in school before but it only has one side to it. I started to dig deep and be curious about what really happened. And I ended up having an opinion of my own after hours and hours of watching documentaries. 

But anyway, I came back to reality after hours of watching and thought to myself that like the most powerful families in the Philippines, I too had an ambition so big that my parents sometimes would not understand. 

Growing up. I've always thought that money can buy everything. I guess because growing up, I had everything I could ever ask for. I never really a fun childhood like most people. My childhood were spent in piano lessons, swimming lessons, summer classes, and mostly be in our family business. 

While some of my friends would look forward to saturdays and sundays. I would usually dread it. Since it means that would be going to be in our shop again to just be there and watch or sometimes help out in any possible way. 

My parents already knew my future before anyone else. I my love for money grew in that sense. 

I've always pictured myself to be a good successor to my parents. I never really wanted to disappoint them in any way. They have very high expectations from me and my every move is being closely monitored. Its like every wrong decision always has to be corrected. In our family, getting recognition is unlikely. But getting criticism is in every single day. 

I have this ability to take good care of money once I have it and make it grow. Its really something that I've mastered since I was a kid. I look everything as an opportunity for profit rather than for leisure. I take things seriously in our business. And a drop in weekly sales would usually end up me thinking of ways and means to get it back up doubled the number the following week. 

Its sad though that the thing I hate most from my parents is the exact same thing that I am becoming. Greedy for money. 

I've always wanted more. I have a mind that of a notorious monopolist. For me, its never enough to just have what we have now. I am hungry for more power. And I will work my ass off for it. 

I never really knew how much money we have until such that I was given the opportunity to manage all the finances. All the while I thought I am growing up like everyone else. That having several house help is normal, or having someone drive you to your school everyday, or simply not doing household chores. Growing up, I thought everyone else had the same things I have, experience the same comfort that I have, own the same things I enjoy. I never knew how lucky I was not having problems with money at all. 

I remember the only complain I have before is that my parents weren't usually there for every school activity because of work. 

Now, everything made sense to me. 

I learned to appreciate everything I enjoyed growing up because I became part of the majority for a few years in my life. In college, and after college. 

I listened to other people's sentiments on how they grew up. On how hard it was for them to survive everyday because life isn't fair to them. 

I never really chose this life. I never chose to grow up having almost everything. 

And having said that, I remember the time when I almost killed myself in my room because of depression. I remember the stupid things i said to those people in twitter and email trying to comfort me. I remember how rude i was to all of them. I remember everything. And i regret every single thing of it. 

Now. My will to survive is to honor the responsibilities that my parents are entrusting me now. Everything they did was for my own good. To give me a good life. To give me an almost perfect life with everything that is just within arms reach. Because if I die, everything they've ever worked for in their entire life would be in vain. 

Chief Operations Officer, 

Z

His Post Single Life

I've known this person named Miguel for quite sometime now. We started having a good conversation about 2 fridays ago and from there we started sending pictures of each other. Started video calling. In short we talk more often during after office hours. We took it one day at a time. We started to feel comfortable with each other (I suppose). 

He lives about 1.5 hours away from my place. We have not seen each other yet. We plan to if our time permits but I don't know. 

From my own perspective of him, he is deep, he is very smart, he handles conversation very well. He knows where he would like to go. He have a clear picture of almost everything. 

Our conversation every night would be random. We can talk about anything under the sun, and thats what I like about him. He is planned yet he can be spontaneous. He makes me think. He always has a good point in our conversation. 

Miguel is 27. Like me. He also handles their family business. Hardware and construction. He came from a good family. (all based from his stories) and also came from a 4 year relationship with someone a few months ago. 

Earlier tonight, I tried to talk to him about their break up. He simply said that their relationship was just not working out. He said "he wants to go East, I want to go West". Of course I was pointing out to him that they should've worked it out. But he said "As much as we want to save it, sometimes we just have to let go to make less damage" those were his exact words to me. 

As I think about it just now. I can't help but open my computer and blog about it before my thoughts would all go away like it always does. 

Its my little knowledge about relationship that is always telling me to "save it". 

I've had my last relationship about 5-6 years about back in college. I was very immature back then. But years after years, I guess I learned from people who came along and decided to stay and leave again. 

Its hard for me to just let the relationship go. I guess simply because I've never had one for so many years that having it would be so meaningful to me. When I have friends breaking up, I would always tell them to work and sort things out. Because the happiness of being single would only last for quite some time. 

Isn't ironic that I've been trying so hard to be in a relationship for a while now and yet there are people just giving up on something I can only dream of. I guess for people like me, who have been single for so many years, the saying "it will come when its time" is getting too old. Sometimes I guess, you just dont have to wait. You have to chase it, fight for it, and claim it to be yours. You always have a choice. And if you just chose to wait, then I guess nothing will really happen. 

We create our own fate and destiny, and if we just wait there and feel sorry for ourselves then nothing will really happen. 

Its too soon to tell if the friendship I'm having with Miguel would turn out to be something more. At the back of my mind, there are many ways on how i can deal with it. But for now, I'll just keep a close eye on him. If he feels the same way sooner or later then maybe, just maybe, it could be him that I waited for 6 years. 

-Z

That Night with Bugmates!

Last thursday night was the time I had my social life back. For a few hours at least. 

Spent time with childhood friends in 6100 after work. It has been a while since we last bonded. We weren't complete but it was worth the time off from my boring routine back home. 

After Singapore. I went back to my old work-house routine and it made me feel bored more than ever. And worst. My depression came back for some reason. 

I had a very meaningful talk with them. Esp with M, P and H. We stayed until around past 5:30am just talking about my issues. At first I felt very uncomfortable since i dont really want to be egocentric. But I don't have a choice. They knew something was going one.

All the while H and S thought it was about my lovelife since my prev blog was about Mr Corp Guy. But i guess it was something more. 

Its the feeling of quarterlife crisis. 

I had to listen to their stories. Had to listen to what they are also going through. They made me realize that Ive accomplished so much at my age already. They made me realize that ending my life is not the solution to everything and that more than that, there is indeed more to life. They shared the same sentiments as mine. But they all handled it very well. Kudos to them! 

Now. Everytime i think about my own situation. I would always go back to that moment when all they did was to tell me things ive never heard before. Things that made me feel worthy of Life itself. That im not a waste. That im somebody great. 

With that little gesture they made out of their way. They made an impact to me that night. I guess all I need was just someone so real to really tell me what im worth. I am forever thankful for them. 

Earlier today I was supposed to go back. But for some reason I feel like just staying home and rest. 

Other than that. Let me share to you that im on this dating site called Grindr. 

Had some very nice convos with some people. But I still dont know. All I know is that this wouldn't last for sure. Will blog about it soon. 

-Z

Empty Pill Box

The day you started to empty your pill box and decide not to take medicines again to just end everything. 

Not every part of me wants to die. But i am dying. Ive been depressed for a very long time and the only way I can think of now is to stop everything and let human nature just make its way for me to already die. 

Hopeless Romantic

I never really learn. Its been days that I've been depressed again. I know it coz all I want to do all day is to sleep and not ever wake up again. There was even a time that I woke up crying my heart out from a very bad dream. All the while i thought sleeping would let me escape reality. But even in my sleep Im being haunted by extreme sadness. And when asked whats bothering me? I don't even know. I can't seem to answer straight. I don't know what is it that I want. I'll try my best to explain. 

Last March, I arrived home and decided to stay here for good. I worked so hard to get back in shape. To look good. To feel good. The results were very addicting actually. I've seen a lot of changes, from my scars, from my physique, from my state of mind. I continued doing what i've been doing. Work out 4x a week. Stay away from stress. Travel from time to time. Eat healthy. Meet with friends. Avoid being depressed. 

It worked for a while until I realized that no matter what I do, I wouldn't be as good as everyone else around me. I was already in the point that I'm starting to love what im seeing physically. I told myself that I'm looking good. I told myself that there's no way people would not notice me. But I was wrong. 

There are still others out there way way, and way better than how i look. There are still gorgeous people around me and being with them makes me feel depressed. Thinking of how much effort I've put just to achieve this. And yet, its not even half as good as them. People still dont notice me. I'm still the below average person among all the crowd. 

Yes, I think im an attention seeker. I just grew up with it. I'm so used to having all the attention up until I was diagnosed where I lost all the self esteem in the world. 

I think it all boils down to one thing. I guess? Its being single that is bothering me. I don't know whats wrong with me? Is this because of the meds im taking? Or is there something really wrong with me? I want to get well. I want this feeling to go away. 

Last time I was in Manila. I met one of my good friend Doc Pao. I knew already that he is with someone (partnered) and I was so eager to know and see this guy. And we did. He was decent, good looking. I began to feel bad about myself. And started to ask, Why can't I experience that? Why can't I be noticed by someone? Its so unfair. Those were the things running in my mind. Don't get me wrong. Im happy for the both of them. But at the same time, I felt sorry for myself. 

There was even a time when my friends would talk about certain people they dated, or they've met along the way. And I just sit there listen to their fascinating stories. About their exs, their dates, everything. I dont have anything to share. Its been almost 6 years since my last relationship. And every dates thereafter were all epic fails. 

So if you happen to read my prev blog, Mr Corporate Guy and I met last saturday and we hang out. And yes, it was an epic fail again. He is partnered. So yeah. Twice in a row that I liked someone who is already committed to someone else. I can't help myself but as him, "why did you do what you did while we were inside my car?" his reply? "I was just tempted"

In my mind, im shouting "dont fucking hold my hand, or be intimate with me if you dont even mean it" Like what the hell? Im never seeing a committed guy again. Ever! I mean, if you are a decent person. Why would you even agree to my invite and not even warn me that you are fucking committed already? 

Who does all those things? Am I that behind in the relationship scheme these days? Its like everyone else is already in an open relationship. 

So long story short. I thought Mr Corporate Guy and I had a little something2 that would take my depression away. Seems like it got even worst. So yeah. I'm officially a man hater. He actually texted me last night, and he got no response from me. I mean, seriously? What do you expect me to do? What a jerk! 

I guess, I'll just wait to die. Its just sad that my parent's assets would just be put to waste. So congratulations to my sister for being the heir of everything that we have. 

I swear I'll never ever see anyone again. This just made it clear that being in social media again for a while was really a waste of time. 

Z

Can you be fucking honest?

In all honesty, I've been dying to know whats wrong with me?

Can someone be so honest to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?

Or what I should be doing? What I should not be doing?

I don't seem to know whats wrong with me. 

I feel like I'm a good person. I feel that im smart. East to talk to. Caring. Loving. Understanding. But why can't some people see that?

Why can't they see all the good in me and just focus on things that I don't have?

It's fucking getting annoying already. I just need to know what is wrong with me so that I can address it. I can fix it. I can change. I can be better. So that someone will even like or at least notice me. Coz I dont fucking know what is wrong with me. 

So I please beg you, answer me. Tell me in all honestly what is wrong before its too late. Before you can no longer see me change. before you can no longer see me alive. Before everything is just too late. 

I swear. I'm never really meeting anyone again. 

Is He worth my time?

I had to admit, I was not really all faithful to my prev post about being back to basics- no social media. 

Well here is my side of it. July 30th was my sister's birthday. I had to activate and send her an obligatory collage greeting. Like everyone else. I know I would make her happy by doing so. 

Yesterday was her simple Debut Party since she doesn't really want to celebrate it at all. I was just the one who convinced her to have a party. LOL. 

So anyway, I cheated. It wasn't no social media at all. There was facebook actually. And i felt bad for it. So now let me share to you what's stopping me in deactivating it back again. '

The time that I deactivated facebook and started using email and sms was the time that I was at peace. Like no kidding. I felt at ease with everything. I dont need to tweet pic everything that is happening. Or i don't need to upload a snap of whats going on with my day and all that. I appreciate the fact that some people literally emailed me. and sent me a viber msg and sms. I guess there are really people reading this blog after all. 

Back to my dilemma of whether I'll use facebook again or not? So you all know what I already transferred hub from Cebu to 6100. People from the hub here are all so accommodating. They were all so nice to me since the day i officially enrolled. Sending me updates and invites to some small group sessions here and there, and some other informative seminars that I have yet to attend. 

So there was this one guy. Whom I find a little attractive. 

Well I don't really know. Since most of the time my head would be looking down and avoiding eye contact with everyone else. As someone might see or even recognize me. But yes, lets name him - Mr. Corporate Guy. He is one of the officers in charge at the hub. I first noticed him last April when Carlos (the guy who is assisting me) introduced me to almost all his colleagues. Again, my head was still down that time. But I had a glimpse of him. He is tall. He looks decent. He looks very corporate-ish with his attire. Something that I consider my weakness.

I went back and fourth a couple of times and saw him each and everytime i go visit the hub. 

He once texted me, supposedly a group message like they always do and I responded like business as usual. 

The last time I visited was around July before I visited Manila. It was weird since Mr Corporate Guy was all accommodating. Or maybe it was just because I was the only person inside the clinic at that time and that he had no choice. But what caught my attention was. He sent me a message after I visited. I told myself that this is weird. Like why would someone from the hub sent me a message, thanking me from dropping by and telling me to take care of myself. I thought he was just being nice. I responded a little flirty and told him that I'm sorry I had to rush since I'm catching my flight that evening. 

After that, it slipped my mind. Until recently when I was making my obligatory collage greeting in my sister's facebook wall. I decided to search his profile and liked one of his picture. I though maybe he won't mind or that he won't respond. But hey? He did. And the rest is kind of history. 

Prior to that we had some exchanges of sms. Nothing serious just some bunch of topics here and there. I had no social media access back then. Until the 30th of July when i had to search him. 

Last saturday, amidst all the birthday party preparation. We decided to meet up. Drove about 30 mins to his place and had coffee beside a bridge. Walked and talked about everything. Shared each other's life stories. 

I had a great time. For some reason. I felt like disconnecting from social media had its own reward. It is meeting real people and talking with them face to face. 

While we were inside my car. Some spark happened. He held my hand and thanked me for my time. 

I guess I already know better. That all these things might just be temporary.  I am not expecting anything more than just a friendly conversation. After all. I don't know him that well. But lets see where this goes. 

From time to time we would still send sms and talk via facebook messanger. And that's the main reason why Im a little hesitant to deactivate my facebook again. Well, I am hoping that this could be the beginning of something nice for me. But then. No expectations. I've learned alot already. 

So tell me what you think? Should I deactivate and let this go? Or is this something worth my time? 

Confused,

Z