Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Man Who Infected Me



If you happen to read my previous post. This is sort of a sequel to it. But just to give you a highlight of what happened, I talked to my friend who is currently dating the one i suspect to have given me HIV. I confronted him to have mr chinito get tested. 

And he came out positive. Long story short. Ive already confirmed who gave me HIV. 

I felt so much anger. That kind of anger that would allow you to do horrible things. His face and everything before him flashed before me. 

My plans. My hopes. My future. Flashed before me as well. I never stopped thinking about the possiblities. What if i never did that? What If i dont have HIV now? Where would I be? How would my life be? 

I cannot imagine the range of my anger during the time i found out he was reactive. Its like knowing the person who killed you. I never thought of his situation. All I can think of is mine. I was so self centered that time. All these happened on the saturday. 

I invited mr beach bum (my friend) and mr chinito (the one who infected me) over dinner saturday evening. I inteded to confront him. I intend to make him realize how messed up my life is because of what he did. 

But for some reason. I did not show up. I feel like it wouldnt make sense confronting him. I feel like it wouldnt do me or him any good at all. 

I tried to stay home that night. I cried out to God. Asking him WHY. Over and over again. 

My sunday came in as usual. I savored much needed sleep and rest. And went to church for my Victory Cell Group and attended the service after. 

I was surprised to see Mr beach bum ay church. I invited him last week. And i was happy to see him back after i invited him. I sat right next to him. He then told me that mr chinito is coming over. I couldnt say a word. I felt numb for a moment. I dont know how to react. I felt like crying. 

I stayed calm and composed. After the service. We had dinner. And then the TALK came in. Mr chinito opened up and suggested i should get tested for hiv. Little did he know what I was the mysterious guy whom Mr Beach bum is telling him. 

I told him that I already know everything. I told him that he infected me. He said his apologies. 

And I forgave him. 

God spoke to me that time. He made me realize how important it is to show other people what real humanity is all about. 

I have been forgiven by God. Who am i not to forgive. God first showed me the wicked ways Ive been doing. He gave me a lesson. He gave me a chance to correct the mistakes i did in the past. He accepted me back after i sinned against him a million times. 

I treated mr chinito with compasion. The one he truely deserves. I forgave him not because I have to. I forgave him because its the right thing to do. Its what God wants me to do. 

He may have ruined my life. But it is not a reason for me not to introduce him to God. Rather, its an opportunity for me to show him what kind of God i have. And im sharing that God to him. 

Thats how much God loves us. Yes. You! That no matter how wicked are ways are. No matter how bad we are. No matter how many times do we disappoint him. He is still there. Giving us hope and strength everyday. 

As for now. I will continue to do what He wants me to do. 

I am not 100% okay. But by His Grace. I know i will be. I know We will all be okay. In His time. 






-zach



Saturday, February 22, 2014

Does it still count?

Ive been wanting to post this story since last week. But I figured that I should just let it go and see whats gonna happen. 

Since I was diagnosed. I cant help but think and recall who could possibly gave me HIV. And i could only think of one person. Lets try to call him Mr. Chinito. We met sept 2012. He was such a good guy. We dated. But it didn't worked out. And so i went on with my life. 

Fastforward to 2014. I saw my friend's instagram post sometime in January. Lets call him Mr. Beach bum. And i was shocked that he was going out with Mr. Chinito. I never gave a damn. Who am i to be in between them? They already know whats best for them. Long story short. I dont care. 

A few weeks after. I saw mr beach bum's post again. He was hospitalized. It got me worried. Thinking that Mr. Chinito is my primary suspect for giving me hiv. Without any second thoughts. I messaged mr beach bum and told him that i needed to talk to him. 

I had to contemplate if ill share my status or not. Its a risk i had to take. I didnt think of myself. All im thinking is to save someone from what im experiencing now. 

It was 2 weeks ago. I told him my status. He was very thankful since they're planning to do it the day after i told him. So he had to change plans knowing the possibility of what he might have. 

I told him not to disclose anything about me to mr chinito as of yet. I encourged him to have mr chinito tested. And they both did. 

Thank God he's negative. But mr chinito is not. So there. I finally know who technically ruined my life. I was about to meet them both last night. I had to back out and stay home. I cannot meet them while im still angry. I need to be composed and be matured when i face both of them. 

I cannot imagine myself facing mr chinito. Meeting the person who killed me. The person who crushed all my dreams. I could never be the same because of him. I would never be able to have a family because of him. I have to suffer all of this because of him. 

I know part of it is my fault. But i just cant help but think of thousand WHAT IFS. But what can i say. This is my fate already. No turning back. I just have to move on. And try to live normally. 

For now. I plan to talk to him and have him trace all of those whom he had contact with. I dont wany anyone to experience what im going through. Its a bad thing to have. It ruins your life. 

At this point. I cannot be selfish and just think of myself. If i can save a lot of people. I will. Regardless if it means revealing my status to a lot of strangers. I cant bare to let this happen to anyone else. 



Zach

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Childhood Friends


Last night. I receive a very meaningful facebook message from one of my dearest friends in Malaysia. 

I have been blessed with friends lately. Ive met a lot of people after being diagnosed with HIV. I have new workmates. They accepted a sick-looking person like me. Even if its really evident on how sick i look like. They have not treated me like someone who is an outcast. 

Those people I've met after being diagnosed are those people i can really treasure the most. They took the time to know whats inside me. And disregarded my physical sick appearance. 

Going back. The message i received last night was an eye opener. I have thought of blaming my friends for just tolerating me of the numerous horrible things ive been doing before. But after thinking of it more deeper. There is really no one to blame, since first --- I have a choice. And i chose to do the one that could harm me. 

At this point. Im not thinking about what i could have done in the past. Since its already here. Ive come to realize that its better to just think about what am i going to do to make my life worth while. 

I thank God for my childhood friends. You know who you are. They stood by me through ALL times. One even said that even if my family would turn me down, her family would be there to support me. I would forever be thankful to all of you. 

My friend told me to change my lifestyle. Its the thing ive been wanting the most. But its really hard for me to let go of the thing ive been doing for so long. I know nothing is impossible. But I trust God that He would change everything in me. He already did. And i know He will still continue to sharpen my rough edges. 

Everyday. Is still a battle for me. A battle of myself trying to keep my body in good shape. And a battle for the virus in me that continues to consume me slowly each day. Its a matter of time. Its a matter of choices everyday. 

I do not know how to express how bad it is to have HIV. Its like you are dying slowly everyday. Its like everything in you is dying while you are still alive. 

I cannot control the virus in me. I cannot stop it. It saddens me to think about it. Its just a horrible thing to have. 

But i say to you. Behold! I have a God that is greater than any other thing there is. I have a God, creator of everything. I have a God, King of all Kings.  I have a God, above all things. I will keep on holding on. I will be a living testimony. 






Saturday, February 8, 2014

23 And Looking Forward


I've been recently hooked with Positive my TV5. Its like a teleserye where the main subject is all about having HIV. You can seach it in youtube. Or subscribe to TV5 Positive. 

Im already 23 and based from whats happening around me. People get married. People get engaged. People have babies. It gets me thinking. 

If you happen to read my blog. You would probably know by now that i have this little support group in twitter with PLHIV. I once asked someone from that small community his age. He replied 37. He's been diagnosed quite a while now. I asked him back if he has a family of his own. He told me he lives alone and his parents would normally just drop by from time to time. 

I paused. I imagned myself. What would I be doing 10 years from now? I started to think. And it boils down to one dream of mine. To have a family of my own. 

I may have not told anyone about this. But i dream of having a wife. And 2 kids named Zach Daniel Lim and Nicole Cailah Lim. 

Like any other guy out there. I wish to find Her. In His time. Thinking that im already 23. It saddens me that i may not stay for long. But if God would allow. I wish to find her. Settle down and be the best father ever. 

With that in mind. Comes great dilemma. Who would accept a guy like me? A guy with HIV. It would complicate more. Having a baby and all that. I dont know if its possible nor if anyone have done it. But one thing is for sure. That girl would just be one hell of a badass to accept a guy like me. 

Its very far from reality. But its not bad to have a dream right? 

I may not be sure of a lot of things for now. But one thing i know. I do not want to live all by myself for the rest of my remaining life. 

I recommend you watch the Positive Series of TV5. It moved me. It changed a lot of how i see my life. 

I see life as a one time opportunity. With hiv or none.  We should live every moment of it. Try to look at the clock. No one could make it tick backwards. Lets make the most of what little time we have. With hiv or none. Lets make known to everyone everything we feel for them. Lets make every moment count. Again. With hiv or none. Lets not waste every tick of that clock. 


-zach
Email me at:
iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Social Media Help


Telling my friends was a relief. Thinking that they accepted me for who I am. Yet Im still messed up. Yes. They are there for support. They are there to listen. But there is still something missing. No matter how hard they try to make me feel better. Its really not even close. No one could really make me feel better unless you know what im talking about. 

I created a twitter account thinking I would be able to help people out. But it seems that I'm the one needing help as of now. 

I have been constantly partying. Drinking. Its my wicked way of getting out of reality for a few hours. It makes me feel good about myself to be the center of parties with friends. Friends who thinks im well. Friends who has no idea im already dying if I dont take precautions. 

I have not gone to church since 2014 started. And im missing it a lot. But Ive been confused as to what to do. As to how to deal with this sickness. 

Everyday. There are more body parts to be covered because of my allergies and what not. I dont understand whats happening. Its like im already dead. Trying to decay while i am still alive. 

Going back. I need help. Thats why twitter is my way of knowing people like me. PLHIV. Person living with HIV as what we call it. Plhiv are those people who knows what im talking about. Who knows exactly what Im feeling. Those are people who knew what ive been thru. What im going thru right now. 

No one would understand me better than those people who has the same condition as mine. 

Now i plan to meet someone here in Cebu. I dont know when, or how. I just think i have to do it. I have a lot of things to ask. I have a lot of confusion. So many puzzled thoughts. And until then. I'll have to figure things out on my own. 

I'll go back to church real soon. I'll have myself checked real soon. I just hope Im not too late once i get back on track. For now. Im totally broken into pieces. 

Im not yet whole since the hole wont close. 


:)