Free from Social Media Prison

About a few days ago. I blogged about how insecure i was. And I guess I still am. Its been 2 days since I have not used any of my social media accounts. And to be honest, im having withdrawals. I have been hooked so long that going on with my life without it seems so hard. 

So whats my reason in deactivating all my social media accounts? Both personal and pseudo worlds. 

I want to live. I want to live outside the shadows of the screens that has kept me a prisoner for a while. And to be honest, its hard. you want to know why? Coz everyone else, or almost all are still prisoners to it. Its like im the only one out here in the free world. Waiting for everyone else to finally realize that what we all need is outside those social media trap we were all blinded to. 

Breaking free from those walls im used to was so hard. But I know what I want. And that is to meet real people. To reconnect with old friends the traditional way. Like what ive said before, technology has made it all easy for us to communicate. But right now, it is whats drawing us apart. 

In those 2 days that I have no access to my prison world. I've waited for some people to SMS, or call. or just hang old like the old times. It might be impossible for now. But Im praying that they too will soon realize that the life they are living now is a waste. Life is meant to be experienced. Not meant to just been seen. It is meant to be felt. 

I am not saying that I will forever not use social media. But I think ill go back to it as soon as I learn how to control it. As soon as I figure out a way on how to deal with whats really out there. 

I will continue to blog and give updates to those people who are reading this during their spare time. But to be honest. I want to communicate with them as well. Via Email. So lets talk, just like the old school times. Email me at iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Waiting,

Z

Back to Basics

I deactivated my poz twitter account, my personal facebook, and logged out of my personal instagram and twitter accounts as well. 

I also have a different globe number. 

Should you wish to contact me for important matters. Please reach me via email- iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Or my personal email. (Mycompletename- @yahoo.com) 

Thank you!

Incomplete Feeling.

Everything is falling into place. Everything is slowly going back to the way it was. 

But deep inside. There is still something missing. Its like im not yet whole. And the hole still wont close. 

I travel most of the time to see whats out there. To experience new things. To make new memories. And yes. To meet new people. Or just meet "the one". 

Its getting aburd everytime i think about it. I feel jealous with a lot of people who seems to be happy and complete. I guess after being diagnosed. Ive lost all the confidence there is to be out there and be that eligble bachelor some folks would even notice. I hardly get noticed. I guess thats why i always create drama everytime? I dont know actually. Its a strange feeling. 

Dont get me wrong. I dont want to sound so desperate. Maybe i kind of am right now at some point. But anyway. Thats whats on my mind now while waiting for boarding. 

Some say to love yourself and this and that. Which i obviously am doing. Slowly. And then everything will just follow. I sometimes want to ask people if there is something wrong with me? Like why the hell no one would like me or even get attracted. (You can stop reading, this might get worst) lol

Yes. I sometimes find it so unfair. Why some people easily meet other people. I mean. So easily. Are there any guidelines for that? Or is it just me and my stupid list of high standards? 

Ive always believed in sparks. That thing that you just instantly know that the person is The One. No matter how the person looks. Regardless of how that person scored in my checklist. If the spark is there. Thats just it. 

But ive meet a few people. And there isnt really any spark. Nothing at all. Or is it because its been so long that the feeling of that spark is redefined already? Am i already unable to feel it? Too numb perhaps? I dont know. 

So eer goes a lot of deep thinking if there is really something wrong with me. So if you manage to be reading up until this point. Well congratulations. You survived the mind of someone maybe too desperate to find someone. 

PS. I just need to know. 

-Z

Viral Load

Had my very first viral load earlier today. Got a message late evening last night about a limited and scheduled viral load test in CLMH. Instantly confirmed and booked it since i havent had any viral test before. 

Went there around 9am. Nurse Emman and SIO Arthur were so nice to accomodate me and even waited for me at the lobby of the hospital. 

Privacy is always an issue for me. Since 6100 is a very small city. Like what ive said before. Everyone knows everyone. My heart was pounding very fast all through out. 

Surprisingly. There were only 2 of us who took the viral load test. I guess only 2 of us became interested in really knowing our status. Or if we already became drug resistant to the meds we are taking. 

It was a long wait. Had to go back around 1:30 since the one doing the blood extraction wouldn't be there until that time. So off i go and tried to kill some time. 

Retail theraphy calmed me down. Bought a few things for my get away with some friends this end of July. 

Hoping for a good result. 

-Z

Growing up Tsinoy

              

                       你好!我很荣幸被菲律宾中国

Growing up. I thought every kid has the same upbringing as me. I thought every kid also has to work every saturday. Or that every kid needs to learn how to play a musical instrument. Do endless summer lessons. Or just be born with criticism to be perfect in every aspect of life. 

But I was wrong. Though Philippines is an asian country. Being raised in a Filipino Chinese environment is more Asian-ish. 

Growing up. I learned to save money. To use it for my own wants. Not to ba lavish on everything even if I know that my folks can buy me whatever I want. I learned to work for what i want. Its a process. A never ending process. 

The wisdom from my mom is amazing. She taught me a lot of things in life. Those things that I never learned in school. Although I always find myself complaining about how she treats me until now. Im sure its for my own good. I know that she knows what she is doing. 

My future is already fixed. No matter how hard i try not to live in it. Its already there. 

I wanted a different route. A different career. A different path. But even before i took that first step when i was a baby. My mom already prepared me for something bigger. And better. 

My friends would not understand me why i always turn their invites down. Why i would not really spend a lot of money going out. Or why I need to prioritize the responsibility that was given to me. Sometimes it doesnt really makes sense to me too. But i know its for something greater. 

Most people would not understand why I dont work in a very good company. Or why i quit my Job in Cebu. Most people would still ask me "so what are you doing now, where are you working" well infact they are asking me in the grounds of the business that I am already running. 

I have a lot of things to learn. Its getting overwhelming everyday. 

Who would've thought that a metrosexual like me would end up in farms, haciendas and all the other stuff i know nothing about? 

Yes. I know business per se. But i dont know anything else aside from managing it. 

To be a good entrepreneur. You have to learn EVERYTHING. And when i say everything. Its really everything. 

From the people you work with. To each and every client. To your products. The process. The hows. And the whys. 

Again. I have a lot to learn. But everyday is a learning experience for me and im forever thankful. 

-Z

A Change of Heart

As I was doing my usual routine earlier before going to bed. I came across this picture in my instagram account. 

Since 1975. Our company would always have this annual Christmas Party. All of our employees, their families and everyone working for us would spend the time to celebrate Christmas and just have fun. 

Last Dec 25,2013 however was different. It was on the same month when I was diagnosed with HIV. It was the same month when I suggested to my mom that we do something different. Something that we haven't done ever. And that is to give back to the community. 

Being diagnosed helped me see the bigger picture of Christmas and how meaningful it is to celebrate with other people. 

Instead of a party to ourselves. We decided to throw a party to some kids in the nearby community. It was very amazing! All of our employees took part on this event. From my sister, even my mom and some of my friends at church. 

Last year though, we weren't able to do this activity again since I was in Cebu working and I had no time to prepare and go home for the holidays. 

But this year, as I recall on that moment we made those kids happy. Made me think of doing it again this Christmas since Im already here for good and full time. 

Having been diagnosed with HIV taught me so much. I became a better person. I'm not saying im totally different now. But I can say that it somehow changed my perspective in life. 

I cant remember If i blogged this one already. But anyway. Let me just share some pictures. 

Random Email. An Opportunity to Reach Out

I never really thought that this blog would go that far. Baby steps in helping and somehow inspiring others. 

Having someone spent 2hours just to read my non sense rants, my anger, my journey living with HIV. Its very overwhelming. This is the second email I got so far from someone I dont know. Since I dont check my POZ email that often. They would usually message me via twitter. 

Now Im thinking of really making this blog a way of helping others out. 

About a year ago. This blog was just to give updates for my close friends about whats going on. Since its hard to constantly tell all of them the same stories all over. 

Like a normal person. I travel. I get angry. I fall inlove. I get inspired. I hoped. I get hurt. I mature. I learn. I kneel down and pray. 

But unlike a normal person. I am living with the virus so deadly that still has no cure. 

The email I got a few weeks ago is an opportunity to reach out to thousands of people out there that are still scared to get tested. And to offer help. That no matter how dreadful everyday is living with HIV. There is still hope. There is still a God that is so wonderful in giving second chances. 

Before I even got tested. I too had my moments in searching blogs and stories from people living with HIV. 

So if you found yourself in this blog. Its no accident. I believe God guided you in my humble blog for me to share my lifestory that is still full of HOPE and a FUTURE. Not perfect but just with the right amount of humility and faith to keep going and fight. 

You can again reach me at: iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Or follow my twitter account: @Zach_poz

PS. I dont usually proof read my blog. I type as I think. So If you found something grammatically wrong or anything relating to that. My apologies. 

-Z