Birthday and Post birthday happenings

I just turned 26 a few weeks ago. Another year added to my boring life. Nothing much to really look forward. But a lot of things to be uncertain. Will I get successfull in a few years time? Will I even travel the world like I've always wanted to? Will I find someone to be with while I travel? Will I reach all my dreams? Will I still be alive in a few years time? 

Every year added is like looking at the time bomb. Not knowing my end date. Not knowing if this year would be my last birthday. And as others say it. We just have to live as if today is the last. But all I ever wanted is just to live. Like everyone else. Not scared to what lies ahead. 

My birthday was okay. Had to give it to my few close friends who made it a little special. I did not really enjoy it. I was in a group where I feel like I don't even exist. I was in a group where they don't really made it all about ME. Aside from about 5mins where they all sang a happy birthday song to me with cakes and balloons. But after that. I was just part of the unknown crowd again. That night, I feel like it wasn't really my night. I only knew like 4-6 people. And the rest? People Ive met for the first time who didn't even recognize that it was my party or something. Some where just people i know. People i dont really have deep friendship with. It was okay. It wasn't the kind that I wanted. But to say the least. Again. It was just okay. 

During that night. I was just sitting in one corner. I was not happy. I feel like it wasn't my birthday. I guess I'm not really that important of a person to most people. I feel like i was just only there to pay all the bills. Let them eat and drink and that's it! 

So anyway. On with my life. After my birthday. I got sick for about 6 days. Nothing serious. I wish it was though. But I'm still alive. Darn it! 

Got a news that one of my good friend M attempted a suicide. So there goes my not so therapeutic advice again from one island to another. I've never really thought that a person who seemed to be the happiest person there is had suicidal thoughts. Which is scary. All the while I thought my suicidal thoughts were legit. Turned out it wasn't as close to his. But Im thankful that he is okay now. He'd better be! 

What else? I guess Im just going to drown myself with work again until who knows when. 

-Z

Back To Square One

I know how devastating it is to be hurt by someone you really cared about. I, too, have been hurt once or twice before. And at some point, everyone goes through a heartbreak that seems so great that you think you’ll never recover again. The thing is, we have this propensity to intensify things in our minds. We have this tendency to overthink things – to consider all the possibilities – that we end up upsetting ourselves even more than we already are.

Do not think of heartbreak as despair, but as a blessing – a sign from fate, a heads up from the world.

Maybe heartbreak was destiny’s way of saving you from a future of misery. Instead, be thankful that you found out soon rather than when it’s too late. Think of this as a chance to start over again, a do-over, a chance to fix your broken heart.

We all have to accept that some things are beyond our control, that they are bound to happen. We only have power over ourselves and our decisions, not anyone else’s.

We have to accept the fact that people will screw up no matter how many times we beg them not to. People will fall short of our expectations, and more often than not, surprise us in ways we never saw coming. Our hearts may have gotten broken, but these scars will heal, one step at a time.

At the end of it all, you’re still alive.

You’re still breathing. You can still smile. You can feel pain. You’re still human.

And it will get better. I promise.

Broken

Why do people do things they don't really mean?

He kept on saying that he is just "LIVING BY THE MOMENT" Well, screw that! How can you be so selfish to just live by YOUR moment and not think about the people you might be hurting along the way? I guess it is his (Mr. Quiksilver) way of coping with his status. But does it have to result to this? Hurting people so badly? 

I kept on asking myself, what did I ever do to deserve this? Its been almost 7 years since I last felt that someone made me very special. Admittedly, It was the best feeling yet! I never thought I would ever experience it again. But now? I'm thinking that its better not to experience it at all. 

There is a fine line between making yourself happy at the expense of other people's happiness. 

I'm honestly lost for words on how wicked their mind works. How can people be so selfish? How can people be so "PAASA"? I mean, I know that this time I wasn't assuming about his gestures. It was for real. I felt it was real. 

The time that we were together for 2 weekend getaways now. He never failed to make me feel special at some point. Friends dont hold hands along the beach. Friends don't intimately kiss and cuddle for more than 8 hours. Friends just dont fucking do that. He was the ultimate "pa fall" guy. 

And now as I write this. He is in another weekend getaway again. I don't know who he is with. But just by the looks of his pictures online, since I still kind of sneak in at times although I blocked him already, He is posting pictures obviously like someone is with him taking his all amazing pictures. Trust me. I know. I used to be that photographer. 

I know there is nothing wrong wit just living by the moment. But if you are living your moment and hurting someone. How in the world is that going to be okay? Please someone let me know. Cos until now I still can't figure out that kind of mentality. WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE LIKE THAT? 

I'm no angel. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. But I know as hell I am a good person. I always look at other people's feelings. I feel like I just don't deserve this. Its very unfair when you are trying to live your life at peace and someone comes along to just ruin it and make you look so stupid. I kind of feel sorry myself. For falling inlove again. For spending time with him. For making the effort to be with him. 

HE USED me! He was such a user. He used me to travel. He used me to let people know how well traveled he is jetsetting from one place to the other. He used me to take pictures of what amazing weekend he is having. He used me. He used me!

I guess if all he wanted was a travel buddy. Fine by me. I can work with that since I too, travel alot. But thing is, he was the first one to initiate being intimate with me. I swear as hell I was not the one who made the first move. He never should've kissed me. He never should've held my hand. He never should've hugged me. He never should've said "I'm glad I have you", "Impt thing is I'm with you" the list can go on. I just wish I never should've met him. I wish he never existed. I wish our paths never crossed. I wish I was strong to bar him off when he tried to be intimate with me. I wish I had the courage to move on as easy. I wish I never gave myself a chance to love again. 

I'm in a very shitty place right now. I haven't had any good sleep. It haunts me. Its like I created a monster in me. 

He kept on posting pictures like he's very happy with his travels after I blocked him. I envy him for having no feelings at all. I envy him for NOT FEELING bad or not feeling anything at all. He never reached out. That was just it. It was all over. 

I know it might take a while for me to fully be okay. My birthday is in 2 weeks. I don't know how I can even pull this off. I swear I've never cried this much to a guy before. And I feel very sorry for myself. 

-Z

Mr. Quiksilver

I honestly don't know how to start (as always) 

I've always been quiet about my relationship with some people. I guess I'm trying this new thing where I try not to talk about the people I like on social media or post pictures of people I am with during travels. 

Okay so lets start. Lets name him Mr. quiksilver. He was introduced to me virtually by one of my good friends. My friend told me that Mr Quiksilver and I have almost the same likes. The obvious, quiksilver brand, food, and travel to name a few. 

So I started to stalk him at first. And i followed his instagram. Liked most of his photos. Its like my way of saying "hey! Notice me!!!!" And to my surprise he kind of did. He added me on facebook and we started talking to each other. 

Long story short. I invited him over to sa travel I made last July in Dauin. We met fpr the very first time and spent 4 days together. It was awkward at first but since we got a lot of things in common. I guess, in my own opinion. We goy along just fine quickly. We became comfortable with eachother. We became a little intimate. Holding hands. Hugging. It was a little fast. But yeah we sort of clicked that way. 

After our Dauin trip. I was confused. As to what it was all about. Why he did made me feel special. Well. In my own perspective at least. I had to know the "WHY". On all the gestures. 

He told me that he was just "living bu the moment" cos he has "cancer". Thats what he told me. 

I did notice during our time together that he was taking meds. On schedule. So i was a little judgemental back there already but it slipped my mind. Until I confessed about my status.

Lo and behold. He is hiv+ too. 

He was diagnosed oct 2015 with an initial cd4 of "4" if im not mistaken.  

From that point. I knew I can't leave him just like that. I felt like he needed me to cope up. I felt the need to help him and be there for him. Since he admittedt that he is still unstable. 

I had to be there for him. As a friend. I had to take everything in. And so it happened. 

Even though I know that there was no special place for me for him. I know I had to stay and be there incase he'll need me. 

A few weeks ago. We travelled to Cebu together again. He was very intimate as ever. We became closer. We were like a cpuple. It was such a good feeling. That time. I was really start to like him eveb more. 

Until. 

After our Cebu trip. I kind of asked him again about his views of relationship. He said that he's fallen out of it already after knowing his status. 

So there I go again. Asking myself "why would he do all those things then? What was it for?" And then i remember "LIVING BY THE MOMENT."

I guess he's just not going to be someone i can be with. In a relationship at least. I guess He never liked me at all. He was just doing it for the sake of doing it. For the sake of travelling. And I dont know who else is he doing that with. 

Last night. I decided to block him. Facebook/instagram/number. 

I decided to delete him completely in my memory. I will move on knowing that he does not exist anymore. The thing im good at.

I've realized that MY HAPPINESS matters too. I cant be with someone who is not on the same page as I am. I can't be with someone who only sees me as a puppet to be used. I can't be with someone who like him. Which I thought i did during the time we were together. But in reality. Everything is just for show. 

His gestures does not mean a thing. I can't be stuck with that kind of set up. I know i deserve to be happy. And i know i deserve someone will make me happy cos he wants to make me happy. I deserve someone who will do things for me cos he means it. 

I cannot be just a prop! I deserve a whole lot more.

I thought I've already found LOVE. Turns out it was just FOR SHOW. It was EMPTY. IT HAS NO MEANING. 

It pains me to think that there are people like him who would HURT people like me.  I mean. What did I ever do to him? I was just being myself. I was not the one who started to be intimate. 

So yeah! Back to square one. 

-Z