Birthday and Post birthday happenings

I just turned 26 a few weeks ago. Another year added to my boring life. Nothing much to really look forward. But a lot of things to be uncertain. Will I get successfull in a few years time? Will I even travel the world like I've always wanted to? Will I find someone to be with while I travel? Will I reach all my dreams? Will I still be alive in a few years time? 

Every year added is like looking at the time bomb. Not knowing my end date. Not knowing if this year would be my last birthday. And as others say it. We just have to live as if today is the last. But all I ever wanted is just to live. Like everyone else. Not scared to what lies ahead. 

My birthday was okay. Had to give it to my few close friends who made it a little special. I did not really enjoy it. I was in a group where I feel like I don't even exist. I was in a group where they don't really made it all about ME. Aside from about 5mins where they all sang a happy birthday song to me with cakes and balloons. But after that. I was just part of the unknown crowd again. That night, I feel like it wasn't really my night. I only knew like 4-6 people. And the rest? People Ive met for the first time who didn't even recognize that it was my party or something. Some where just people i know. People i dont really have deep friendship with. It was okay. It wasn't the kind that I wanted. But to say the least. Again. It was just okay. 

During that night. I was just sitting in one corner. I was not happy. I feel like it wasn't my birthday. I guess I'm not really that important of a person to most people. I feel like i was just only there to pay all the bills. Let them eat and drink and that's it! 

So anyway. On with my life. After my birthday. I got sick for about 6 days. Nothing serious. I wish it was though. But I'm still alive. Darn it! 

Got a news that one of my good friend M attempted a suicide. So there goes my not so therapeutic advice again from one island to another. I've never really thought that a person who seemed to be the happiest person there is had suicidal thoughts. Which is scary. All the while I thought my suicidal thoughts were legit. Turned out it wasn't as close to his. But Im thankful that he is okay now. He'd better be! 

What else? I guess Im just going to drown myself with work again until who knows when. 

-Z

Back To Square One

I know how devastating it is to be hurt by someone you really cared about. I, too, have been hurt once or twice before. And at some point, everyone goes through a heartbreak that seems so great that you think you’ll never recover again. The thing is, we have this propensity to intensify things in our minds. We have this tendency to overthink things – to consider all the possibilities – that we end up upsetting ourselves even more than we already are.

Do not think of heartbreak as despair, but as a blessing – a sign from fate, a heads up from the world.

Maybe heartbreak was destiny’s way of saving you from a future of misery. Instead, be thankful that you found out soon rather than when it’s too late. Think of this as a chance to start over again, a do-over, a chance to fix your broken heart.

We all have to accept that some things are beyond our control, that they are bound to happen. We only have power over ourselves and our decisions, not anyone else’s.

We have to accept the fact that people will screw up no matter how many times we beg them not to. People will fall short of our expectations, and more often than not, surprise us in ways we never saw coming. Our hearts may have gotten broken, but these scars will heal, one step at a time.

At the end of it all, you’re still alive.

You’re still breathing. You can still smile. You can feel pain. You’re still human.

And it will get better. I promise.

Broken

Why do people do things they don't really mean?

He kept on saying that he is just "LIVING BY THE MOMENT" Well, screw that! How can you be so selfish to just live by YOUR moment and not think about the people you might be hurting along the way? I guess it is his (Mr. Quiksilver) way of coping with his status. But does it have to result to this? Hurting people so badly? 

I kept on asking myself, what did I ever do to deserve this? Its been almost 7 years since I last felt that someone made me very special. Admittedly, It was the best feeling yet! I never thought I would ever experience it again. But now? I'm thinking that its better not to experience it at all. 

There is a fine line between making yourself happy at the expense of other people's happiness. 

I'm honestly lost for words on how wicked their mind works. How can people be so selfish? How can people be so "PAASA"? I mean, I know that this time I wasn't assuming about his gestures. It was for real. I felt it was real. 

The time that we were together for 2 weekend getaways now. He never failed to make me feel special at some point. Friends dont hold hands along the beach. Friends don't intimately kiss and cuddle for more than 8 hours. Friends just dont fucking do that. He was the ultimate "pa fall" guy. 

And now as I write this. He is in another weekend getaway again. I don't know who he is with. But just by the looks of his pictures online, since I still kind of sneak in at times although I blocked him already, He is posting pictures obviously like someone is with him taking his all amazing pictures. Trust me. I know. I used to be that photographer. 

I know there is nothing wrong wit just living by the moment. But if you are living your moment and hurting someone. How in the world is that going to be okay? Please someone let me know. Cos until now I still can't figure out that kind of mentality. WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE LIKE THAT? 

I'm no angel. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. But I know as hell I am a good person. I always look at other people's feelings. I feel like I just don't deserve this. Its very unfair when you are trying to live your life at peace and someone comes along to just ruin it and make you look so stupid. I kind of feel sorry myself. For falling inlove again. For spending time with him. For making the effort to be with him. 

HE USED me! He was such a user. He used me to travel. He used me to let people know how well traveled he is jetsetting from one place to the other. He used me to take pictures of what amazing weekend he is having. He used me. He used me!

I guess if all he wanted was a travel buddy. Fine by me. I can work with that since I too, travel alot. But thing is, he was the first one to initiate being intimate with me. I swear as hell I was not the one who made the first move. He never should've kissed me. He never should've held my hand. He never should've hugged me. He never should've said "I'm glad I have you", "Impt thing is I'm with you" the list can go on. I just wish I never should've met him. I wish he never existed. I wish our paths never crossed. I wish I was strong to bar him off when he tried to be intimate with me. I wish I had the courage to move on as easy. I wish I never gave myself a chance to love again. 

I'm in a very shitty place right now. I haven't had any good sleep. It haunts me. Its like I created a monster in me. 

He kept on posting pictures like he's very happy with his travels after I blocked him. I envy him for having no feelings at all. I envy him for NOT FEELING bad or not feeling anything at all. He never reached out. That was just it. It was all over. 

I know it might take a while for me to fully be okay. My birthday is in 2 weeks. I don't know how I can even pull this off. I swear I've never cried this much to a guy before. And I feel very sorry for myself. 

-Z

Mr. Quiksilver

I honestly don't know how to start (as always) 

I've always been quiet about my relationship with some people. I guess I'm trying this new thing where I try not to talk about the people I like on social media or post pictures of people I am with during travels. 

Okay so lets start. Lets name him Mr. quiksilver. He was introduced to me virtually by one of my good friends. My friend told me that Mr Quiksilver and I have almost the same likes. The obvious, quiksilver brand, food, and travel to name a few. 

So I started to stalk him at first. And i followed his instagram. Liked most of his photos. Its like my way of saying "hey! Notice me!!!!" And to my surprise he kind of did. He added me on facebook and we started talking to each other. 

Long story short. I invited him over to sa travel I made last July in Dauin. We met fpr the very first time and spent 4 days together. It was awkward at first but since we got a lot of things in common. I guess, in my own opinion. We goy along just fine quickly. We became comfortable with eachother. We became a little intimate. Holding hands. Hugging. It was a little fast. But yeah we sort of clicked that way. 

After our Dauin trip. I was confused. As to what it was all about. Why he did made me feel special. Well. In my own perspective at least. I had to know the "WHY". On all the gestures. 

He told me that he was just "living bu the moment" cos he has "cancer". Thats what he told me. 

I did notice during our time together that he was taking meds. On schedule. So i was a little judgemental back there already but it slipped my mind. Until I confessed about my status.

Lo and behold. He is hiv+ too. 

He was diagnosed oct 2015 with an initial cd4 of "4" if im not mistaken.  

From that point. I knew I can't leave him just like that. I felt like he needed me to cope up. I felt the need to help him and be there for him. Since he admittedt that he is still unstable. 

I had to be there for him. As a friend. I had to take everything in. And so it happened. 

Even though I know that there was no special place for me for him. I know I had to stay and be there incase he'll need me. 

A few weeks ago. We travelled to Cebu together again. He was very intimate as ever. We became closer. We were like a cpuple. It was such a good feeling. That time. I was really start to like him eveb more. 

Until. 

After our Cebu trip. I kind of asked him again about his views of relationship. He said that he's fallen out of it already after knowing his status. 

So there I go again. Asking myself "why would he do all those things then? What was it for?" And then i remember "LIVING BY THE MOMENT."

I guess he's just not going to be someone i can be with. In a relationship at least. I guess He never liked me at all. He was just doing it for the sake of doing it. For the sake of travelling. And I dont know who else is he doing that with. 

Last night. I decided to block him. Facebook/instagram/number. 

I decided to delete him completely in my memory. I will move on knowing that he does not exist anymore. The thing im good at.

I've realized that MY HAPPINESS matters too. I cant be with someone who is not on the same page as I am. I can't be with someone who only sees me as a puppet to be used. I can't be with someone who like him. Which I thought i did during the time we were together. But in reality. Everything is just for show. 

His gestures does not mean a thing. I can't be stuck with that kind of set up. I know i deserve to be happy. And i know i deserve someone will make me happy cos he wants to make me happy. I deserve someone who will do things for me cos he means it. 

I cannot be just a prop! I deserve a whole lot more.

I thought I've already found LOVE. Turns out it was just FOR SHOW. It was EMPTY. IT HAS NO MEANING. 

It pains me to think that there are people like him who would HURT people like me.  I mean. What did I ever do to him? I was just being myself. I was not the one who started to be intimate. 

So yeah! Back to square one. 

-Z

Back after almost a year

So Its been almost 1 year since I last posted. And yes! Mind you, I'm not yet dead. One of my friends actually encouraged me to go back blogging again. I wouldn't really call it "a bloggers" life/website cos upto now, I honestly have little to no clue with how everything works in the world of blogging. But just for the heck of it. Here we go......

After November of last year where I was still in the middle of my quarterlife crisis battle. A lot has happened. I don't want to go month by month but I will try to sum it all up:

Last May, I got invited to attend this young entrepreneurial training camp. And I found myself accepting the challenge of finally accepting the role being prepared for me by my parents - to take over the family business. It was a tough choice I had to make. And now its finally sinking in that there's no turning back. 

In between the months of January - August, I was just at work. I still travel as much as I can and whenever I have the time to do so. So technically there's really nothing to blog about. Not that it was boring though but I guess during those times, I was just so caught up with work.

So on with my health. from 757 CD4 count a few months back. It dropped to 612 last month. It really got me worried cos admittedly there were multiple occasions where I would not take my meds on time. I guess after being on meds for so long, I'm getting tired of taking them already and I'm getting lazy to be adherent with the med schedule. I'm just hoping that I will again find the reason to go back with being OC in taking my meds on time. 

I actually just got back from a weekend trip with friends. And yes! Allow me to say this, with a special friend. I wouldn't really call it anything beyond that. But let's see how this goes. 

As we were travelling, we would often pass by small towns along the way, and I would appreciate how simple their life is. 

As I sit inside the van, I was reminded of how privileged I am. I was humbled AGAIN by the experience. 

I will try to blog more often. 

-Z

Heir or Not?

I know I haven't really blogged in quite a while. I've been busy with work. So i'll try to sum everything up as briefly as possible. 

WORK. 

Well work is the same as usual. Ive been busy more than anything. BIR eFPS thing. And everything in between. I just hope that I will soon get credit to everything i've worked for. 

Its like I know that ive constantly been checking almost everything from sales, expenses, inventories, hr and accounting but I rarely get any credit with all the work Ive done. With my mum, its always not good enough. There's always this something wrong with everything im doing. 

HEALTH. 

I recently got my cd4 test results taken last tuesday. From 361. Im now up by more than half. Im now at 757. It was a very great news. It was indeed overwhelming. 

WHAT ELSE? 

I literally went blank. I feel like i have so many things to share but i just dont know how and where to start. I think after my cd4 tests. I can have all the reason to feel depressed again. I dont know. I feel like im so soked with work without getting any recognition. 

As i scan through the pages of our Articles of Incorporation and By Laws. I just stare at the name of my mum being the president. And all my cousins being the director. 

I almost feel like crying. That until now. Im still not part of the company i work for. The company i started to rebuilt for my mum. At least not part of it by law. 

I gave up my wonderful career in Cebu just to go home and help out when things were not doing good with the business. 

And after all the hard work. Im still the errand boy. Doing and working my ass off to monitor everything. 

I dont know. I dont want to assume that someday ill be the heir to all of this. I guess im just being a realist. I just wanted to be sure ill take that seat of my mum one day. I just wanted to be assured that Im not wasting my time here. 

Growing up. Ive always been compared to all of my "sucessful" cousins. And lately Ive been compared to our "driver" who happens to run the hacienda and ricefields. Like seriously? Dont i deserve a little recognition? 

Now. Im honestly thinking of really moving out of home for good and never really return. 

I am thinking of leaving everything behind. People kept on saying that Im the sole heir of my mum. But i dont feel like it. I feel that one day. When she's gone. I will just be like everyone else. Since all of our properties and most of our business are under some other people's name. 

Its not like im after for my inheritance or something. Its just that. I dont want to stay here and waste my time if im not going to be the heir of it anyway. Where i can be somewhere now working and building my own career. 

-Z

HIV Stigma

As I was doing my everynight routine of watching random youtube documentaries. One of my friend who happens to know my status sent me this link about a topic whom he think i should respond. 

It goes, "I dont want to date an HIV positive guy". You can read the whole article in this link:  http://www.thegailygrind.com/2015/10/14/i-dont-want-to-date-an-hiv-positive-guy-tyler-curry-brilliantly-responds-to-hiv-stigma/

Today, not only was I upset because of some volleyball game my favorite team has not won in the last 3 games yet. But also because of some Presidential Candidates come 2016 here in the Philippines who have become stupid enough to even consider having a position in the government. Its when you think that University elections are more serious than our national election. 

But anyway. Regarding this article. I can't help but nod as i read the response of Tyler Curry. But I soon reached the comments from the readers that made me upset even more. 

People still don't see us beyond our condition. They see as a walking bomb. Or like a threat to society that must be put to death. Which we already are. 

The stigma is REAL. The discrimination is REAL. The judgement of people is REAL. 

But being accepted in the society i live in right now is kind of less of my concern. My family is influencial. I consider myself infulencial. As braggy as it sounds. I dont feel inferior about how I live because I know I am living a good life and im still working my ass off to even become better in terms of financial stability and net worth. 

But at some point. At the back of my mind. What if people knew about my status. Would I still be the same person? Would they still look up to my family's reputation? 

Deep within me. I know I am still who I am. With or without hiv. It does not define me. It even made me a stronger person. 

I have long disregarded the idea of being in a relationship. One big factor is of course my status of having HIV. 

No matter how well I do in some aspects of life. If the person ill be dating with does not want to date someone with hiv. I cannot do anything about it. I cannot change it. 

But the more I feel rejected. The more I become strong and determined to reach all my goals. 

I guess it all boils down to the choices we make. 

I can choose to be depressed all day for the rest of my life knowing I have HIV. Or live my life to the fullest and enjoy everything life has to offer. Including its adversities. 

You surely can't please anyone. Everyone now a days will always have something to say about anything. Even if they know nothing about it. Thats the power of social media and how people over use the irony of "freedom of speech". 

As what Charles Swindoll said in one of his books "Life is just 10%. 90% is how you respond to it" 

-Z