Hope for 2014

Its a brand new year. But the same old plea for me. Cure for the uncurable HIV. 

I had my holiday vacation. Went home to spend time with family and friends. It was a week long celebration of God's goodness, of God's one greatest gift. The birth of Jesus Christ. I really had a great time. I almost forgot i was sick. 

Seeing family and friends for the longest time got me worried. I have allergies all over me. Since im still not taking any Arvs. Hoping to get them by monday. And having these allergies all over my body is just worst. I dont know how to face friends without them noticing how thin i am. And how badly my skin looks like. I would normally crack out a lie and tell them holiday food caused these allergies. 

Meeting people these days have been a struggle. I have 0% self confidence. I look down to myself and feel sorry everytime i see healthy people around me. Often times, i would tell myself "i wish i was them". I would then recall how perfect my life was before all of these happened. I have all the self confidence in the world. I little bit too much at times to be honest. I have all the guts to see friends and meeting other people without having to worry how i would look like. Being seen by people is not even a problem for me. But not anymore. I have to wear long sleeves everytime i would meet with friends to hide my allergies. 

Honestly. My faith is shaking everytime i would remember im sick. But i know i just have to hold on. I would sometimes think that its better to be dead. Since i dont have anything left to do on earth anyway. But i dont know. God is telling me otherwise. I dont know what His plans are. But I claim that He has one. I just have to be patient. 

Last 12/28/2013. I told my childhood friends about my situation. It was out of nothing when i started crying when i was asked by one of them "really, how are you?" Tears began to fall and i answered honestly for the first time the question being asked by so many for so long. I cant imagine how honesty can be so overwhelming. It was the first time i was so honest with my answer. I told him in not okay. Never was for the past year. I cant feel anything during that time. I was hopeless. I was longing for a friend. I was in need of someone to be with me as i fight for my life. 

One by one. I told all of them I was positive for HIV. They could not believe it. I guess they were in shock. They think of me as someone who could and would not do such thing to have had this. And they were wrong. They were very supportive. They accepted me for who i am. And im greatly thankful for that. Its not easy to be totally open with them. But i guess i have to at some point. 

I am getting weaker by the day. Virus is spreading rapidly within me. It can kill me anytime. These are the truth that i have to face everyday as i walk through life. I am struggling to live. I dont know why i should live. I am just holding to all the promises of God. That everything no matter how dreadful has its own purpose. 

I am forever thankful for my friends back home. For still accepting me. And for treating me the same. With or without HIV.