Welcoming 2015 at home

Holiday is already over. Lets all say hello to 2015. And lets all embrace what this year has instore for all of us. 

Its very much overated to have a new years resolution where you can just change something in you every single day as you continue to live life and experience all its adversities. 

So last Dec 28,2014. I went home for the holidays. Havent booked a flight so I traveled almost 14 hours by land and sea just to get home and to attend the year long planned reunion. Arrived home around past 11pm and went straight to the party. 

The laughter and recall of memories are just very overwhelming for me to feel tired that time. It was a way to boost my self esteem. A way to somehow charge myself for what 2015 has for me. Yet, if you ask me. It was somehow empty. I dont know why. There was just something that was missing. It was all too short. The time i spent with them was  just not enough. I even felt at some point that there was some "lack of openess". I felt that there was something wrong or missing. 

I cant really be certain. But maybe because we were all too busy with the holidays with our family that we havent really had the time to bond, to sit down and talk. 

I got alof with my college friends lately as well. I duno. I feel weird. I feel that they dont see me exist. I feel that they are just tired of my emotional ups and downs. Tired of all my rants with my condition. Sick of listening to my endless complaints and dilemmas in life having HiV. 

I havent talked to them lately. I just dont find the reason to reach out to them and make my presence be felt. If they stopped understanding me. I cant do anything about it. I wont be a kind of person who would always seek their attention every time. If they remember me, then maybe thats the only time i would really talk to them. Im somehow tired as well trying to make my presence be felt by them. I feel that im always the one reaching out to them. They havent in a way reached out to me. 

I'll give it a few days, weeks, months or who knows years. I wont try to reach out to them. I guess ill try to wait if they would even remember me without me reaching out to them first. 

On the other side, i spent a very good time with family. Went to visit my cousin and cousin in law who knows my situation. We talked. Laughed. It was the first time that we have talked again in a long time. I also spent more time with my mom at the office, at home while looking at old random pictures recalling memories and good old stories together. 

As I face 2015. I just pray that I would be stronger than ever. By the grace of God, i will be able to continually tap my shoulders and tell myself every single day that everything will be okay. 

-Z