Gone too soon- We will miss you Miguel.

Yesterday was not an ordinary day. Or so i thought it would be. 

Usual routine. Scanning my ever historic facebook feed with full of nonsense until I came across a rant from my friend about something (details too complicated to discuss)

Long story short. It was something about a possible malpractice of a nurse from Cebu Doctors that caused a person's life. I went to check the comments and to my surprise. The person who died happens to be a good cyber friend of mine. 

Miguel as we call him in our online pseudo world. 

Got the chance to know him sometime last year. We started to get along fine. We started to get along so well actually. I found someone so smart who was able to keep up with the way i think and just the way I see things in a mirrored yet realistic perspective. 

My heart started to beat very fast. I started to cram. I dont know what to do upon seeing his name on the comments section as someone who just died. 

Going back to the time we were getting along fine. It was leading to something a little bit serious. Friendship or more than that. I dont know. All I know is, we were both comfortable with having the deepest conversation via twitter direct msg.

Some details are a bit of a blur now on how it ended. I guess mostly because of me. 

I tend to shut people off. Without reason. Or at times. With reason so minature my bolistic mind would not be able to understand why. I just simply do it. Shutting people off means that I pretend you dont exist. I assume I dont know you. Like we never really had something we shared before. 

It puzzles me with the question -WHY? To be honest. I have yet to find the answer. But i guess its all about the mantra i sort of have - the less people you have, the less shit you deal with. Again, or so i thought. 

Numerous were the times where he would message me. By all means, office chat, sms, twitter dms. But he got no response. No nothing. No explaination. He just simply vanished. Just like that. In my world at least. 

Im now guilty. Im starting to read our prev convos. Started to recall how genuine of a friend he was and will always be. How I remember him doing so much for the sake of his family's comfort. How he opened his life to me. How he shared his deepest fears, his deepest happiness and his source of strenght. 

I never really got the chance to meet him in person. Thinking that later during the year (2014) we were already working under the same employer. We never reallt saw each other face to face. Never had the chance to see the person behind those meaningful conversation over twitter and the cyber world. 

I remember blogging something about "what happend to those people who were left befind". I guess this is the answer to that question. 

I went to work yesterday. Like the usual day. But it wasnt the same. I kept on thinking of possibilities. Possibilities that I would not be able to do anymore. 

I guess I might think that peole who were left behind just simply move on. For the most part- Yes. You know why? Coz theres nothing left to do. But to live life without them. But there will always be countless thoughts of "possibilities" never ending "what ifs" that would bother us- the people left behind. I guess im experiencing what my family and friends might experience if ill be gone someday. And this too, is not easy. 

Miguel may not be a relative of mine. Might not be someone I knew for years. But as what we call it. He was my - blood brother. We share the same condition. We share the same story. His story might already end superficially. But memories of him will forever remain in our hearts and will forever be cherished. 

Friends, the struggle of being left behind is real. And if for some reason. You are reading this and for some reason I might be gone already. I know what you are feeling. I am in that stage right now as i write this down. But life as we all know it goes it whether we like it or not. 

Miguel, your passing away taught me a great lesson. Cliché as it may seem. But i learned to just value everyone from now on. Shutting people would do me no good. Its just sad that the lesson you taught me is still so hard to accept. You did not die in vain. You have made an impact to me and to others. I may not know how or what lessons you taught them. But one thing i know is for sure, you have made us all your blood brothers stronger than ever. 

I will see you soon Migs. Thank you for sharing your life with me. 

-Z

There's no way but UP

The attitude of "It keeps getting better" is somehow working for me. Everyday in the shower. As I wash myself and see my arms full of scars and allergies. I would tell myself--- it keeps getting better. 

Everyday as i wake up. There is more Hope and more Faith to just live life as it is now. Not the same as before but there are still million of things to be Thankful for. Not perfect. Never will be. But Humbled and contented. 

With my human capacity to understand how God works. I just could not. U would never understand with my own abilities how His wonders are working in me. I may not see it now. But I know in my heart that He is working in me. Little by little. Everyday. Every moment that I am living. 

I am not saying that I am now living a very Godly life. But God knows I am trying. God knows I will never be as perfect as He is. But I am trying to be as perfect as possible. Honoring Him in every possible way I can. In everything I do. 

People will always judge me. Even family members, close friends. They would always see it as something negative. But for me, it does not matter anymore. I live not to please men but to please God. 

Its hard to be judged by people close to you. After all, im still human. Prone to a lot of feelings anyone could feel. Its hard that people assume of a lot of things about you. Think of things they know nothing about. Its just hard. But I have to stay strong and just move forward to what God has planned for me. 

Hub finally sent me a message that CD4 sched will be feb 27. Just in time before I hit back to my home town. Shortly after my resignation. 

One thing I wish though. That if I pass away. If I die. People would read this blog and share it to a lot of people living with this dreadful disease. To their family and friends who are supporting them. Let this be my simple way of inspiring others. 

Theres no way but Up. As time passes by. And as my health continues to deplete every single day. I pray that I may be able to live my remaining days as meaning as possible. 

-Z

Email me at 

iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph

Melodramatic Sinulog Weekend

How do I start my weekend full of drama and unfortunate events? Think think think. 

Lets start with post sinulog gitters. 

I invited some childhood friends last december 2014 for an almost all expense paid trip for Sinulog weekend. Since I am an avid fan of EDM parties all over the cities. Eerr goes all the ticket and room reservations here and there. All the planning. The restos to eat. The places to go. The route to take because of jam packed weekend and the overwhelming traffic in the metro. 

But it boils down to only one friend who confirmed she'll be going. Had to persuade a lot of other childhood friends just to come with her and enjoy the festivity. So there were 2. The least. The most. At least we were all 3. So carry on. Lets do this. 

Friday. Lifedance. 

Went out with some of my Unit neighbors and some edm officemate lovers. It was one hell of a night. Meet some new friends along the way. So called temporary friends. (Friends while in the event, forget later after the event)

But before heading there. Had to go with my neighbor to meet her friends. Well who am i to argue with her sched and plans. Im just tagging along. So composed. I still manage to just ride along with it. Trying to be composed. Trying to just be OKAY with all te hassle here and there for not being PLANNED. (I hate it when there is no PLAN) 

To cap the night off. I separated with them and off i went with my officemates. And there the real party started. The rest is history as I went alone. Paid habal habal driver 100 for a 5min ride just to get a cab to my place. 

Saturday morning. My childhood friend delivered the BAD NEWS. They wont be going. Because of the typhoon. 

Had to compose myself. Cancelled the room reservations. And asked myself "now what to do with the tickets i bought?" Scanned my phonebook and selected a friend worthy of these tickets. Okay so it goes down to two people. 

Went off with my new found friend. Lets call him - Tank top guy. And informed my other college friend based here in Cebu that ill give him the other ticket. So im all set. Lets do this. 

Saturday. Paintensity. 

Since my 2 childhood friends were not able to make it. Had to invite myself with other officemates and surprisingly. I had a really nice time. It was a blast! A wicked party hosted by ETC and Samsung just like last year. But even better. Went home around 10 looking like a freak with all the paint. Ended it with a massage since my body was about to break down. 

Sunday. Sinulog Invasion. 

Started with my friend Tank Top Guy. Everything was going as planned. Until.  

He wasnt feeling well. Oh bummer. So where do i go from here amidst all the thousands of people in the streets. College friend alloted for the other ticket was also a no show. So off i went to text some friends who are in the area. 

Tank top guy had to go home around 5pm after about 3 hours of just chillin'. I couldnt be more stress. I had to understand even if at some point i just couldnt figure it out. But again. Surprisingly. I was able to make it. No mood swings. I had to just stay composed. Be more understanding. 

Since my college friend was a no show and tank top guy had to go home. I was left with another friend. Lets call her ms mentor. My officemate who loves edm as much as i do. 

To sum it all up. We met some other friends but they were all in A LOT OF DRAMA because of too much alcohol. 

I was in the midst of loosing it. Literally. I was almost about to go home at 7pm!!!! Seriously. But I dont know were I got all the patience in the world. I stayed calm after a series of unfortunate events. Like bad things happen moment after moment. 

I guess Im a better person now. I learned that everything is all about perspective. Its about how you view things. How you respond to things to just make it better. 

It wasnt the weekend I planned. Not even close. But it ended the way I wanted it to be. I was HAPPY. I feel that I was in control of my emotions. I feel good about myself surrounded my good looking people. Ugly looking me wasnt depressed looking at those healthy and beautiful people. I was okay. I was happy nevertheless. 

I thank God for allowing me to feel that feeling again. To feel that life will always be a series of ups and downs. And its up to you to make it the ending you wanted it to be. 

PURE FUN and HAPPINESS. It was all about it that weekend. Im contented with raising my hands listending to the DJs playing my all time fave EDM. 

Thank you Lord. 

-Z

EDM weekend starts tonight

A year of waiting has finally come to an end. A few hours from now. I'll be celebrating life with some random friends and hopefully new found friends in all the EDM events ill be attending starting tonight with LifeDance. Tomorrow with Etc's Paintensity and sunday's Sinulog Invasion. 

Im a crazy fan of EDM (electronic dance music) its one thing that makes me change my mood from my unending mood swings here and there. 

I just hope that I wont get insecure with a lot of good looking people around me. For once, I just wanna be crazy, have FUN, and enjoy this moment. I want to just feel good. 

I want to savor every moment of living my life to the fullest. I want to experience being happy once again. I want to feel free. Feel alive. I havent in a long time. 

I claim that this weekend will be THE weekend. Pit Senyor! Happy Sinulog everyone! 

-Z

Honoring God with your heart

So I started my year with prayers and full of hopes. Had the chance to really ponder upon Gods word that was preached last sunday at church. And let me share to you my thoughts about it and on how guilty I am for some parts of it. 

I came from a small Christian family and basically grew up with Christian friends. But that doesn't mean im all good, worthy and all that. Im still human. Very much capable of stumbling, falling and commiting sin. I dont think very highly of myself just because I grew up in the Chruch. Or so to speak. 

So a little bit about last sundays preaching. It was about how Jesus called the Pharisees ---- hypocrites. Because of what they are doing. Trying to find fault in Jesus and His followers. Specifically pointing out how unclean His disciples are coz they didnt wash their hands before they ate during that time. (Im not gonna preach here nor tell everything about the sermon) so anyways, going back. Hypocrite and Pharisees. If you happen to know what a Pharisee is, they are lile the so called Church people that time. The so called Holy ones. Always following the tradition of early Christians and all that. But why did Jesus call th such?

Back to reality. I think the bottom line is. Jesus looks at our hearts. You dont have to be this person who post all the bible verses in social media yet live a horrible life with your parents, or with friends. I guess my point is, Honor God first. In everything you do and the rest will follow with your actions. Not the other way around. 

You dont have to show to people that "hey, i know the bible, im a Christian, i do Godly stuff and all that" coz in the end, none of those really matter if your heart is empty. 

God looks at the deepest part of our being- our hearts. You dont have to please God because you want favor in return. You honor and please Him simply because you Love Him and thats the desire of your heart. You dont do quite time every morning because if you dont your day will be ruined the entire day. But you do quite time because you want to really know more about God and have a real relationship with Him. 

A lot of people really judge me. That includes close friends and even cousins. But i dont mind. Because I know deep within me that I have my own relationship with God. Though its not perfect and never will be human as I am. But God knows whats in my heart. God knows the cry of my heart and my entire being. 

I dont need to prove to anyone that Im a Christian by showing off. 

Being a Christian is a way of living. You dont TRY to live like one coz if you really are a Christian and does follow God with all your heart. It will simply show in your life. It will simply manifest. You will simply be able to touch other peoples lives. 

Im not against those people who are very vocal about their Christian thoughts. Im okay with that. But bottom line is, is it really coming from the heart. Or are you just doing that for self praise and gaining worldy favors? 

-Z

Department of Health in the Philippines

I just called Vicente Sotto a few minutes ago. The only hub here in Cebu. I've been trying to ask them the schedule of CD4 test since December 2014. They said there is still no schedule coming for the government. 

So if there will be no Cd4 testing again this month. I will be delayed two months already in knowing my cd4 count. 

This will be my 3rd cd4 count. And the first cd4 count after i started taking meds last July 11,2014. 

So whats up with the government? Are they just going to screw us all up with this? Not giving out schedules for Cd4? Even if we have all the money to pay for it, there is no private hospitals, nor hubs here we can go to have our Cd4 test just like in Manila. 

The two other options i have is, either ill go to Manila. Or ill wait for all my transfer papers to be processed since ill be moving back to Bacolod City for good anyway sometime last week of Feb or early March. 

Its just very annoying that the govt is doing NOTHING about this issue. I feel so angry about how the Philippines is looking at this concern so lightly. 

I just badly want to know if the meds im taking now is in effect or what. This is added stress. 

Welcoming 2015 at home

Holiday is already over. Lets all say hello to 2015. And lets all embrace what this year has instore for all of us. 

Its very much overated to have a new years resolution where you can just change something in you every single day as you continue to live life and experience all its adversities. 

So last Dec 28,2014. I went home for the holidays. Havent booked a flight so I traveled almost 14 hours by land and sea just to get home and to attend the year long planned reunion. Arrived home around past 11pm and went straight to the party. 

The laughter and recall of memories are just very overwhelming for me to feel tired that time. It was a way to boost my self esteem. A way to somehow charge myself for what 2015 has for me. Yet, if you ask me. It was somehow empty. I dont know why. There was just something that was missing. It was all too short. The time i spent with them was  just not enough. I even felt at some point that there was some "lack of openess". I felt that there was something wrong or missing. 

I cant really be certain. But maybe because we were all too busy with the holidays with our family that we havent really had the time to bond, to sit down and talk. 

I got alof with my college friends lately as well. I duno. I feel weird. I feel that they dont see me exist. I feel that they are just tired of my emotional ups and downs. Tired of all my rants with my condition. Sick of listening to my endless complaints and dilemmas in life having HiV. 

I havent talked to them lately. I just dont find the reason to reach out to them and make my presence be felt. If they stopped understanding me. I cant do anything about it. I wont be a kind of person who would always seek their attention every time. If they remember me, then maybe thats the only time i would really talk to them. Im somehow tired as well trying to make my presence be felt by them. I feel that im always the one reaching out to them. They havent in a way reached out to me. 

I'll give it a few days, weeks, months or who knows years. I wont try to reach out to them. I guess ill try to wait if they would even remember me without me reaching out to them first. 

On the other side, i spent a very good time with family. Went to visit my cousin and cousin in law who knows my situation. We talked. Laughed. It was the first time that we have talked again in a long time. I also spent more time with my mom at the office, at home while looking at old random pictures recalling memories and good old stories together. 

As I face 2015. I just pray that I would be stronger than ever. By the grace of God, i will be able to continually tap my shoulders and tell myself every single day that everything will be okay. 

-Z