Depression kills

Today. June 21, 2014. Im in the thought of taking my life already.

The only reason why i keep on fighting for my life is because of work. Coz i WAS good at it. I excelled at work. But now its going down. Everything is a blurr. I dont have the reason to live anymore.

Whats the easiest way to die? I want to end my life.

posted from Bloggeroid

That much needed vacation

I just got back from vacation. It was one hell of a trip. I was with my college friends. 7 day vacation with them was just not enough. Just so many things to catch up with. It was one of the most memorable things that happened to me this year. I needed that break to somehow get out of my depression stage. And i helped a lot. Seeing friends after a few years was all worth it.

My plans of telling them about my status didnt happen though. I dont know. Maybe it was all too fun for something so sad.

No regrets though. Id rather cherish those happy moments with them even just for a while.

Now im back to reality. Back to contemplating about whats next. For the past months. Ive been dreaming about that get together with college friends. But now. I dont know what to look forward to. Its like that scene in Tangled. Where she was so eager to see the lanterns lit up. Yet so anxious whats gonna happen next. I guess i just have to create something to look forward to.

My cd4 test will be a week from now. For some reason. I want to start taking meds already. My immune system is just too fragile without any medications. My allergies are non stop. Its causing me so much insecurities. It lowers down my self worth. My self esteem. Its like everyone else is so good looking. So flawless. So above me. I just cant find the strenght to tell myself that everything will be okay

Im scared that one day. I'll just stop and i wont be able to find a reason to live anymore. For now. Im getting along just fine. I can still manage to tap my back and tell myself that its okay. But until when will i be doing this? I cant stay like this forever.

I just wish that other people know how blessed they are.

I cant undo everything that happened in my life. But i know i can make it right. I know i can still make it worth while. I just dont know how and why. Why? --- why would i still make it worth while? Coz if you remove me in the earth's picture everything would still be the same anyways. Its not like im a big impact to anyone or someone. Its not like if i die. Someones life will be messed up or anything. Well. Maybe for a few days. But not for long.

I am breathing but im not living. Its something very depressing.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid

I decided to end the 3-month existence of my pseudo twitter account @zach_poz for some reason.

I feel that its for the best. I realized i started being depressed since I started that twitter account. Since i became too involved with my pseudo world. I became too preoccupied with my sick self. And almost forgot the real world even exist.

In that world full of secrets. We post hidden pictures. We post too little of ourselves so as not to reveal our REAL identity. We only show what we want other people to see. And i know that its for the protection of my fellow PLHIV. But i find it odd. Why stick to that world where the REAL world awaits for me to move on. Yes. I might be doing well in that world full of hidden identities but have i moved on with in the real life? Have i moved on outside twitter world?

Having those random people was fun. I was able to find really good friends. But it has to end there. All they know is im Zach. And i want zach not to exist any longer. If i havent met you personally. Then you no longer exist in my world. And i dont have plans of knowing you.

It might sound rude. But im doing this for my own good. Not being selfish. But being true.

Often times. I get pressured and depressed reading twitter timeline. Its like you are in a CLAN. or a little hidden community. There are popular people. Good looking people. Cool people. And i cant find myself in any group within that little community we often call support group. I became too self conscious. I wanted to belong. I wanted them to notice me. I wanted to show off. I wanted to be popular just like them but i cant. There are always be someone more popular than you. More good looking than you. More cooleeeerrr than you.

I know life is not all about that. But in tjat world i lived in for 3 months. It all boils down to that. If you havent met the majority of the group. Then you are just some random pozzie guy around. You have to make yourself stand out always.

I dont know. I guess im not in the right state of mind now. But allow me to make mistakes. That i should learn. Im making this decision with a careful thought. I might be doing the right thing. I might not. But for now. Its time to get back to the real world.

I have to face what it feels like out there. Outside the twitter world ive lived with for 3 months.



-Z

posted from Bloggeroid