Miracles to Happen - First CD4 602

I just got my CD4 count today. And I was overwhelmed with the results. Its 602. This is my first ever cd4 test and i am still not on ARVs since i was just diagnosed 12/04/2013.  I was expecting it to fall below 350 to be honest. Praise God!

The CD4 count measures the number of CD4 cells in a sample of your blood drawn by a needle from a vein in your arm. Along with other tests, the CD4 count helps tell how strong your immune system is, indicates the stage of your HIV disease, guides treatment, and predicts how your disease may progress. Keeping your CD4 count high can reduce complications of HIV disease and extend your life.

As I was on my way to the hospital. I took the jeepney from my place since I was not really in a hurry after all. I was again conscious with my allergies. I was a little paranoid that people might be looking at it. But I couldn't care less. My mind was very preoccupied with what the  results might be. I was already preparing myself for the worst thing that could happen. I was thinking it might be below 350 or worst below 100. 

I arrived there after a few minutes. I went in the clinic and waited for my doctor. Dra. Grace was the one who gave me my results. She's the counterpart of Dr. Cham Agtuca. Before looking into those files. She was a bit concerned with how I look. She looked at my neck, face and arms. All having allergies. It was just over me. I didn't bother wearing any coat at all like i normally do since the weather was a bit humid. So everything was all visible. She then asked me when did it started. I told her it would normally be on and off. It would normally last for weeks. But this is by far the longest I have them in me. And by far the most numbered areas affected. Its just so horrible looking at it. I feel sorry for myself everytime i see myself in the mirror. 

She told me to bring my lab results which i will still be doing tomorrow along with my cd4 count to Dra Mitzi Chua. She said all my results will be the basis of my treatment. As she was checking my results she was even surprised to see that my cd4 is high. Her assistant was shock as well as they were expecting it to be below 350 with how i look like. I remember what her assistant said "I thought its already urgent to take the medications (Arv) based on how you look like." Dra Grace added "this might be the start of it" 

God moves mountains. He is PRESENT in everything when you think he is not. He is WORKING in ways you cannot see. He is doing the IMPOSSIBLE things for me. What I have been reading in the Bible about stories of Healing is still happening. It may be in a different way. But His Healing powers still exist. I claim that God is making ways for everything in His time. It was all by His Grace that my results turn out good. 

Although HIV as we know it is very much unpredictable. Meaning, you can have 602 cd4 count today and have 100 by a few weeks. I just have to be very careful with everything I do. In everything I eat. 

I still have a lot of lab test tomorrow. And I hope everything will turn out right as well. 

I thank my friends for all their support and prayers. For me its not the things I do that makes me fight for my life. Its what they are showing me that makes me want to live longer. Its what they do that makes me fight for my life more. The time i told my college bestfriends. The time I told my VG leader. The time I told my childhood church friends. All those are reasons why I am still living. I know God is using them to make me strong. To make me hang on. I remember i was already giving up. But God revealed to me through them that there is more to life. 

Praise be to God. He deserves all glory now and forever. Words could not contain how amazed i am with what He has done. 

There is Hope! Lets start 2014 right. Email me at iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph 

Godbless You! 

Someone random who cared.

It was yesterday when my officemates and I had this random conversation about what we would want to happen in 2014. Everyone shared about their long term plans. Most of them were new years resolution - saving, travel, getting a masters degree, having a baby, getting fit, and what not. 

But what caught my attention was what one of my officemates mentioned out of the blue. She said she wants the government of the medical people to discover a cure for aids. I was caught off guard. I was a bit surprised. None of them knew what was happening with me. They dont have any idea at all as I presume. I guess that was her honest and sincere prayers though. Helping people like me. She then shared that she saw how people with aids/hiv live and it breaks her heart. I could not say a word. We all listened to her. She had a heart for people like me. It was out of nowhere. I was moved by her. As i was sitting right across her. In my mind, I was thinking "what if they all knew what im going through right now?" "What if they all know what WE have to suffer everyday" 

They were planning to go out of town this weekend. As much as i would want to go with them to enjoy. I just cant. I wouldn't want them to notice my allergies that are getting so obvious. I wouldn't want to risk getting myself tired of going to an outing. 

I cannot do a lot of things simply because I am HIV positive. I have to give up the things i am used to - glamorous lifestyle, parties, drinking, travel. Its God's ways for teaching me HUMILITY. I am learning it the hard way. I wouldn't want anyone suffering from HIV anymore. I think i would be able to handle the physical pain. But the emotional baggage it brings everyday is way to heavy for someone to carry every single day. 

As i sit and ponder. I realized there are still people. Random people who care so much for PLHIV. I thank God for making those people realize that WE need help. 

If you are reading this. And you know someone who might be at risk in getting HIV. Please tell them what they should do. A lot of people are suffering right now. And if you CARE so much for them. You wounldn't want them to be part of US. Do your part as a friend. 

Keep those emails coming. iamlivingwithfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph 

Starting the Year with a right mindset.

Theres not a day that I would not cry. Numerous were the times were there were no more tears to be shed already. As much as I wanted to reach out to other people, I must admit, I too need help emotionally. And I am forever grateful with friends. 

After sharing with them last month. I feel that some people deeply cared for you. Something I haven't felt for more than a year. 

I often see healthy people. When i scan my instagram timeline. All i see is wonderful lives flash before me. I cant seem to think how i would suppose to deal with all of those everyday. All i know is God is not punishing me. He loves me so much that He has a purpose of me being sick. Not everyone can claim that. And living with that conviction every single day is not easy. Its like you already know what the answers to your question are. But you just cant help but ask Him again. You cant help but break down and cry. 

I don't know if having a family would still be possibility for me. It would take a lot of courge for someone to randomly accept me for who i am. And for what I have. I dont know if who will go first. My mom or i. Reality check. My mom is not getting any younger. And me having this very unpredicable condition makes it worst. It breaks my heart knowing that all her life, she prepared for my future. And I dont know how to tell her that there isnt any future left for me. 

For those having this condition. ITS NOT EASY! It never will be. I smile. I do things normally. But at the end of the day. I would still have HIV. So take time to value everything in your life. You dont know what might happen to you in a few years. Have a support group of your own. Cry out to God. Let Him hear your cry. He listens and He alone can make you feel better more than anyone and anything else in this world. 

We are all in this together. Hit me an email if you have questions or if you want to share your story. iamlivingbyfaith2013@yahoo.com.ph 

Hope for 2014

Its a brand new year. But the same old plea for me. Cure for the uncurable HIV. 

I had my holiday vacation. Went home to spend time with family and friends. It was a week long celebration of God's goodness, of God's one greatest gift. The birth of Jesus Christ. I really had a great time. I almost forgot i was sick. 

Seeing family and friends for the longest time got me worried. I have allergies all over me. Since im still not taking any Arvs. Hoping to get them by monday. And having these allergies all over my body is just worst. I dont know how to face friends without them noticing how thin i am. And how badly my skin looks like. I would normally crack out a lie and tell them holiday food caused these allergies. 

Meeting people these days have been a struggle. I have 0% self confidence. I look down to myself and feel sorry everytime i see healthy people around me. Often times, i would tell myself "i wish i was them". I would then recall how perfect my life was before all of these happened. I have all the self confidence in the world. I little bit too much at times to be honest. I have all the guts to see friends and meeting other people without having to worry how i would look like. Being seen by people is not even a problem for me. But not anymore. I have to wear long sleeves everytime i would meet with friends to hide my allergies. 

Honestly. My faith is shaking everytime i would remember im sick. But i know i just have to hold on. I would sometimes think that its better to be dead. Since i dont have anything left to do on earth anyway. But i dont know. God is telling me otherwise. I dont know what His plans are. But I claim that He has one. I just have to be patient. 

Last 12/28/2013. I told my childhood friends about my situation. It was out of nothing when i started crying when i was asked by one of them "really, how are you?" Tears began to fall and i answered honestly for the first time the question being asked by so many for so long. I cant imagine how honesty can be so overwhelming. It was the first time i was so honest with my answer. I told him in not okay. Never was for the past year. I cant feel anything during that time. I was hopeless. I was longing for a friend. I was in need of someone to be with me as i fight for my life. 

One by one. I told all of them I was positive for HIV. They could not believe it. I guess they were in shock. They think of me as someone who could and would not do such thing to have had this. And they were wrong. They were very supportive. They accepted me for who i am. And im greatly thankful for that. Its not easy to be totally open with them. But i guess i have to at some point. 

I am getting weaker by the day. Virus is spreading rapidly within me. It can kill me anytime. These are the truth that i have to face everyday as i walk through life. I am struggling to live. I dont know why i should live. I am just holding to all the promises of God. That everything no matter how dreadful has its own purpose. 

I am forever thankful for my friends back home. For still accepting me. And for treating me the same. With or without HIV.