My 1:30am Thoughts

Wide awake and its almost 1:30am. I think i need help. I have always been depressed. Depression is something that has not left me since 2013. 

I dont want to end up killing myself in the long run. 

The Servant Leader Route

I have always imagined myself as a business mogul. I've imagined myself years back wearing coat and tie, jet setting from one place to another for meetings. Long waits in the airport. The typical metro guy. 

And im so blessed to have turned that vision into reality. 

I've experienced how its like to do most if not all of my dreams while I was young. 

Working in the corporate world gave me the opportunity to reach my dreams. And im forever thankful. 

Now its a little different. With the life i am now living. Its a whole new experience. 

I am the boss. But at the same time. I do the dirty work. I remember reading a book about how to be a servant leader. A book given to me by my cousin when i was in highschool. 

Its somehow a shame that it took me almost 10 years to realize how its really like to be a servant leader. Not just to God. But to my fellow as well. 

I've never imagined myself going to work in my house clothes. Shirt, shorts, slippers and im all set. Ive always thought of myself wearing that business casual look. 

But its very humbling. 

Ive nevet felt so contented.

Its not the scene that im so used to. But its something i love doing. 

Getting dirty with feeds, fertilizer bags, chemical bottles, veterinary meds. 

I haven't imagined myself doing something that most of my workers does. But the feeling of doing it? Superb! I want to make them feel that im not just their boss. Im also their colleague. 

There is a lot to learn. For just nearly 2 months. I have zeroed out the overdafts and losses a few weeks ago. 3 weeks and counting to be exact with. 

The business is slowly going back in shape. And its all by God's amazing grace. I sometimes feel bad if i think more about the money. But its just amazing on how God will just provide everytime. 

I want to be servant leader to my employees. Everyday is an opportunity to be a light to them. 

Again, I have A LOT to learn. But with the work im doing now. Its very laid back. Its not the typical corporate setting. But rather a place for farmers and hacienderos. Dealing with 2 different people is very challenging. But ive never felt so happy. 

Everyday is not a perfect day. But everyday is a day to learn and to feel blessed. 

Thank You Lord! 

PS Pictures of my actual work will be posted tomorrow.

-Z

That 3am Conversation

I have finally opened up everything i want to share with my friends last night. Not in every details. But just a glimpse of whats normally on my mind- Fam Business, Health, Family relationship, Future plans and all that. 

Went with M & S last night to watch some show and had some late night walk on the way home. They stayed in my room for the night. We slept around 3am just catching up with everything that is happening. M&S are my mentors. Not perfect but always there when i need them. We may have lapses but i know thry are my valued friends from the very start. I was thankful for the experience last night. All my thoughts were finally spoken. Everything finally was released. From what was going on to the things that are still happening. 

I couldnt thank them enough for spending the night with me. Little gestures means so much! 

Since earlier today i was late at work. I had to catch my breathe working with a lot of things. Good thing the business earlier was doing good despite of a slight downfall from last weeks sale due to some local festivities. Hoping to get back on track this week. 

So what else is going on? 

I have a canker sore. One in the tongue and the other one is just inside my mouth. Left side corner. I honestly dont know how to describe it. But its the first time that im bothered by this. It maybe because of stress or just part of my degrading health. 

Went to meet some friends earlier as well. And im glad they noticed how much weight ive gained since the last time. 

Baby steps and we will get there. 

I also noticed that my arms are getting better. Not totally but i can see some results. 

Im thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to travel, to feel good about myself again, to share my thoughts, to be a friend for some people. I know im not perfect and that there are still a lot of things to be done in my life but im taking everyday one day at a time. 

So the odd thing happened earlier as well. If you read my prev blog. "A" actually messaged me. Indirectly asking me to go out. Basically, it wasnt a question if i want to come. It was more of a "letting me know" that they're going out. 

Although i really find him nice and ideally perfect. The feeling was not the same as before. And im actually thankful. No expectations. No assumptions. Its better that way. Not closing the doors for possibilities. But not giving it a deeper meaning as well. I guess thats how being busy can do to you. 

Now im a little feverish. Still not able to eat well coz of my canker sore. But praying that this is nothing serious. 

Everyday im thankful for "one more day" not always perfect but a reason to reallt be thankful for. 

-Z