A new chapter in a few hours

In a few hours. I will start another chapter of my life yet. Another fresh new start. A new adventure awaits after few years of being away from home. 

Im now sitting in the stairs of the fire exit of the building I lived for 3 years. 

Its been one hell of a trip. Its been a hell of an adventure. A lot has indeed happened since then. But I know everything will be okay. Like I always say "no way but up". 

I didn't expect to be a little emotional leaving Cebu. The place where I was reborn. The place where I thought I would discover myself. Well, I guess I finally did. 

Leaving home before, I told myself I just needed some time to figure out what I really want to do with my life. And my time now is up. So has the question been answered? I guess so. Its not really clear. But i know are getting there. 

In a few hours. I'll be leaving. Ready to face another chapter. A new challenge awaits. And I know God has made me stronger than ever. 

So until the next adventure. Goodbye Cebu. Till we meet again. 

- Z

Health Update March 9, 2015

So last wednesday. Aside from my trip to the hospital. I got my CD4 results. From 602 (dec 2013) 345 (june 2014). And now im slowly going up. Current one is 361- as of Feb 2015. This was supposed to be taken last dec 2014. But if you were following my blog. You should know by now that DOH didnt provide any schedule of cd4 for the past few months. 

Its something to be thankful for. After all. Everyday is a reason to be thankful. 

But everyday is not easy. I went to hysterical again with all the drama in the world for the past few days. I could not take that back. Things happen. Shit has been said. Actions were done already. So if you ask me? I dont know WHY im always being an oxymoron about everything thats going on. 

I guess its one of those days where i woke up in the wrong side of bed. It was terrible. 

I still feel bad about it. For the things i said. For the things i did. But its up to them to widen their horizon of so called understanding a dying person. 

I call myself a brat. Everything always has to be ME. Im becoming this egocentric and egoistic person i used to dread before. And i dont like it. 

I have tried to keep all the anger. To just keep silent about it. Thinking that if I do it that way. I would be classy. I would look mature in handling things. But i was wrong. The anger ive been keeping for a while just errupted in just a snap. Just like that. Its not healthy. 

I need to find a way to chanel my anger, my frustration, my depression. I need to have an activity where I can all let it all out when i needed to. Boxing? Yoga? I dont know. But hopefully being busy with the family business real soon will keep me out of another drama yet. 

Another thing that bothers me aside from my allergies are my vision. Its getting worst. I dont know. Maybe i will really need to have this checked. Its getting blurry everyday. 

I once borrowed my officemates glasses and tried it. And for some reason. Everything was crystal clear. It was the moment i self diagnosed and told myself that I needed to get checked and get glasses real soon. 

My allergies are slowly and inconsistently going away. (In my arms at least). But i noticed it went back in my face just a few days ago. Still monitoring it for a few days since it might just be the stress thats causing it. 

I know its gross. But this post would not be really an update if ill just be faking everything up. 

So the picture above shows some little progress compared to the blog i posted with my arms picture a few months back. 

Im not sure if you can tell but most part of my arms are only scars from previous allergy visitors that decided to stay and camp for a little while. 

But my face is a little swollen with allergies now. Again. Maybe im just a little stress with all the drama for the past few days. 

So I guess thats all for now. 

And yes. Sadly. Im still alive to date. 

- Z

And you even call yourself my "friend" shame on you!

I haven't updated anyone in social media about this. Both pseudo and real accounts. Im still not posting anything. Not informing anyone about whats going on. Its been 4 days and counting. 

I guess it only shows how I don't exist to my "friends". Yes. You read it right. And i did not mistyped the quotation i placed in the word FRIENDS. 

Do they just depend on updates from me via twitter/facebook/instagram? Do I always have to be the one to tell them "hey, im sick. Hey, im dying. Hey, im in the hospital. Hey, i almost died". 

When will be the time when I can get a message from them saying "How are you?" "Im praying for you" "I hope youre doing good". 

Often times. I would tweet or message them in viber. Randomly asking them how they are. Or just simply saying "Good Morning". I guess its my way of telling them "hey im still alive. Fightig. As you all want me to do. As you all wanted me to be in."  

I don't know if they even notice that I was not able to tweet for 4 days now. Which is obviously a little strange to think that im a twitter and a social media junkie. Cyber world is my outlet. I don't know if they even notice my absence. 

None of them really CARED to send me a message. Well. There was one. Who happens to be a very good friend of mine. K---y asked me how my cd4 was. And i was only able to reply earlier today. 

So out of many "FRIENDS" I have. Only one cared to ask my results. Only one even remebered. 

I guess I will just increase the volume of my IV. 

And even if I die today. They still would not know. Unless of course someone woud just post RIP in my facebook wall. How pathetic! 

I guess i dont really have genuine people that REALLY cares. I guess they only care because I want them too. I guess Im that of a controller. I control people how to act and how to respond to my signs. 

I will continue to update my blog. Since no one is reading this anyway. Or if you are reading this now. I may be dead already. 

Lets see if there are people who will even send me a message after I post this. 

If dying or being in a critical condition doesnt even matter to them. Then so be it. I dont know if I even have friends to call after I get out of this place. 

I have become so desparate with their concern, care and understanding. I have become a burden to them already. I will learn how to move on by myself. 

I dont know if i can still trust people anymore. I dont know if I can still be the same person again. 

I almost died. And no one knows. Lets keep it that way shall we? 

- Z