The Bachelor Life

I woke up so early to check my payslip. Trying to budget everything for my Vigan-Ilocos trip 2 weeks from now. Funds transfer here and there to pay for everything ahead of time. Its just me being obsessive compulsive. I cant help it. I overthink everything. I even became overbored and tried to search for restaurant menu. In my mind errr goes a lot of things. Like in my mind i already pre ordered breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know exactly where to eat. What to order. And how much to pay after. I duno. Thats how OC i am. Lol.

As i was doing my research on new restos in the metro. I came upon the facebook profile of my nephew back home. I came to realize how much laid back home is. How simple it was living back then. No fancy food. No extravagant travels. No pressure of #ootds. Yet i was happy. I dont have to live payday after payday. I dont have to stress my butt out to work.

I guess i just miss how it feels like to be home. No pressure on everything.

What i have now is the ultimate dream i had years back. Living the bachelor life. Although my condition is a little bit pain in my finances since i have to sacrifice a lot of pleasurable things to support my medication. Nevertheless, i still manage to surpass it all. Its just a matter of good financial management. Thats where being Oc is helpful.

If i was home. I couldnt care less about vacation. I couldnt care less about where i eat. About what pictures i post in instagram. About fancy places to go. Its because people around me is so simple. And i get to be influenced by them.

It all make sense to me now. The people around me now are so sofisticsated that im also trying to be at par with them. The being competitive in me tells myself that if he has it. I should have it as well.

I always let everything as they seem. But its the choices that make them look everything. A few months from now. I'll be heading home. So until then. I just have to keep up with the people around me.

Im still not over depression. A lot of times I still cry myself to sleep. Its never ending.


-zach

posted from Bloggeroid

That Ugly Feeling

After a series of self help from friends, books, music. It all boils down to one thing. Theres no one that could tap my shoulders better than myself. This may sound egoistic/egocentric. But in reality, you are the only person who can make yourself calm. Who can make youself feel good. And i think i am trying to get the hang of it everyday.

Often times, when i feel so low about myself. I try to find things that are still good about me. Little as they are, those things are the ones that is keeping me going.

Well, if you ask me right now? I feel very ugly. I feel that i dont really look good. I dont have any self esteem. I think feeling this way everyday for the rest of my life is just one of the few 'perks' of having HIV. But all i need to do is just to asure myself otherwise. That i look good. I have something to show other people. That i feel good about myself. Its like i have to tell myself a lie everyday. I have to make myself believe of the opposite.

Yes. It works for now. But how long will it work?

I want to just isolate myself from meeting other people. For meeting new friends. Coz i feel so ugly. I envy them so much.

Truth is. I miss how i look before. I miss the feeling of feeling good. The REAL feeling of feeling good. Not just a make believe kind of thing.

I know what I should think. But again and again and again. Its not that easy. Its a mental battle that I have to win everyday for the rest of my life.

I am tired of fighting for it.

UGLY. THIN. REJECTED. NOT NOTICED. DISGUSTED.

I wanna be invinsible for the rest of my life. :(

What Keeps Me Busy Aside from Work

Its been one hell of a week lately. So much work load added. But thanks to one of my twitter friends who shared some good thoughts that I will about to share in a few.

Been hooked with keeping control of my thouhts and mind lately. I needed a booze of zen. A whole lot of it actually. My mind tends to over analyze because of work. And it affects my everyday thinking as well. Anyhow. Ive been reading "the secret" ive watched it as well. And its helping me control my thoughts.

Ive learned to value the law of attraction. Needless to say. Ive been using and been reaping the prize of it since then little did i know.

Here how it works. Your mind and everything that happening with you is because of the frequency of your thought. Its like whatever youre thinking sends signals to the universe and the universe in return will follow what you are thinking and thus creates your life. Or creates what is happening around you.

Your thoughts are so powerful that you need to be aware of its capabilities. Once you master your thoughts. Everything will follow. You can be what you want. Thats how powerful it is.

How its real? Aright. Imma tell you something that proves its existence.

When i was in highschool. Ive always imagined myself working in the corporate world. Traveling from one place to another. And vividly i would imagine myself sitting in airports. Having plane rides alone. Ive thought of it everyday. Dreamt of it. By doing that. My mind is on auto pilot. Sending that kind of vibe to the world. And in return. The world responds to it find its way on how to make it in reality.

Think of it. And it will come true. Just read the book. Or search it in youtube. Its all in there. It really helped me get through with my depression lately. Its a work in process. Baby steps as they say. But i know we're getting there.

So the other one. Ive been hooked with lookbook.nu. hahaha nothing much about it. Its worth sharing. Im starting to love myself.

I dont want to delete my previous blog. It will just show how HUMAN i am. Having mood swings from now and then.



-zach