Its been a while since i last blogged. Nothing really much to share actually. Its been the same old same old me.
Although, i noticed ive been depressed more often than usual. It would normally be during the weekends. When my mind would go blank from work.
Ive been thinking of my 2nd cd4 count this June. Might probably have it in Mnl since ill be going there anyway. I duno what the results will be. But i guess i dont really care after all. My mind is already set for Arvs just incase ill need to take them.
Been hanging around with two of twitter folks lately. And its been hella fun when they are around.
Will be in Bohol with them two weeks from now. Duno what to expect. All im thinking is walking along the beach thinking about everything that is happening around me.
I cant control what to feel. I cant help but feel sorry for myself having HIV. I cant help but see other people's sucess flash before me. And thinking that things would never be the same for me again.
Someone once told me that i just have to love myself and start to accept everything. But i guess I just cant. I cant accept the fact the my life is now ruined. People might say its not. For me it already is.
True. My life is way better than others out there. But to think that i have everything i have before then suddenly lost it all. Is just sooo hard.
Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Screw that shit! Its not that easy. Ive been living a lie everyday smiling to other people. Saying im okay. Making them believe i am getting by. Reality is. Im not. Im stuck. Forever stuck in this pithole.
I cant explain how i feel everyday. Sometimes i even think if this is already hell. Yeah sure. I do something that would take my mind off my condition. But at the end of the day. Its still gonna be the same. I still have HIV.
I cant think of anything worth living. I am a realistic kind of person. I know what needs to be done. I know that i have to be strong. I know i have to trust God. I know i have to accept everything. I know there is a purpose for this. I know God gave me this for a reason. I know i will bless people and praise His name coz of my condition. I know i will be someday a living testament. I know i dont have to overthink.
I know a whole lot more that needs to be done.
But ITS NOT THAT EASY!!! I am in the midst of giving up. Im scared of starting arvs. I might be so depressed, that i might start not taking them that would lead me to my death.
I wish everyone in this world would know how WE- people with HIV have to deal with everyday. On top of lifes normal problems.
Although, i noticed ive been depressed more often than usual. It would normally be during the weekends. When my mind would go blank from work.
Ive been thinking of my 2nd cd4 count this June. Might probably have it in Mnl since ill be going there anyway. I duno what the results will be. But i guess i dont really care after all. My mind is already set for Arvs just incase ill need to take them.
Been hanging around with two of twitter folks lately. And its been hella fun when they are around.
Will be in Bohol with them two weeks from now. Duno what to expect. All im thinking is walking along the beach thinking about everything that is happening around me.
I cant control what to feel. I cant help but feel sorry for myself having HIV. I cant help but see other people's sucess flash before me. And thinking that things would never be the same for me again.
Someone once told me that i just have to love myself and start to accept everything. But i guess I just cant. I cant accept the fact the my life is now ruined. People might say its not. For me it already is.
True. My life is way better than others out there. But to think that i have everything i have before then suddenly lost it all. Is just sooo hard.
Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Screw that shit! Its not that easy. Ive been living a lie everyday smiling to other people. Saying im okay. Making them believe i am getting by. Reality is. Im not. Im stuck. Forever stuck in this pithole.
I cant explain how i feel everyday. Sometimes i even think if this is already hell. Yeah sure. I do something that would take my mind off my condition. But at the end of the day. Its still gonna be the same. I still have HIV.
I cant think of anything worth living. I am a realistic kind of person. I know what needs to be done. I know that i have to be strong. I know i have to trust God. I know i have to accept everything. I know there is a purpose for this. I know God gave me this for a reason. I know i will bless people and praise His name coz of my condition. I know i will be someday a living testament. I know i dont have to overthink.
I know a whole lot more that needs to be done.
But ITS NOT THAT EASY!!! I am in the midst of giving up. Im scared of starting arvs. I might be so depressed, that i might start not taking them that would lead me to my death.
I wish everyone in this world would know how WE- people with HIV have to deal with everyday. On top of lifes normal problems.
